I haven't been on here in awhile. It has been SUCH a tough couple weeks for me. I finally got all the divorce paperwork and parenting plan filed. I had to drive out to Dallas to give the papers to the sheriff to serve C because he lives in Polk county. I could have had someone do it for free, but it was worth it to me to pay and not have to get anyone involved in the nastiness.
I gave them the paperwork on the 23rd and they said they thought it would be delivered on Monday. I gave C a heads-up about it so he didn't have a heart attack when the sheriff came knockin on his door. Last thing I need right now is to be dragged into some sort of stand off/hostage situation.
As of today he hasn't told me whether he got them or not. I have a pretty strong feeling that he isn't going to talk to me about them and will probably stuff them in a drawer and pretend they don't exist. This is what he's done in the past with bills or any other unpleasantness he doesn't want to deal with. If he doesn't reply within 30 days, I automatically get whatever I asked for in the papers.
Initially when I was trying to figure out what I should ask for for child support and medical support, I was taking into account the differences in our incomes. I make a pretty good living, he is on unemployment. I started out saying I would pay 80% of medical bills and he would pay 20%. I also asked for the minimum amount of child support. I am so thankful I had a meeting with The Duke before I took the papers in to be reviewed. He said I absolutely needed to ask for more child support, and that it is C's responsibility to contribute half of Savannah's expenses. He said everything should be 50/50 as far as paying for her health insurance, co-pays, daycare... He also strongly suggested I start looking into putting her into a day care and not have C watch her all day. I had told him how the outside of the house had gotten TRASHED. Cigarette butts, old newspapers, toys, water logged clothes, bikes, rotten lumber, more cigarette butts, you name it, it was on the lawn. It looked especially heinous when compared with the lawns of our neighbors that are professionally landscaped weekly. I also told him about one of the dogs being completely neglected. Every time I went over there, Quincy was either tied up in the garage, forced to sleep in his own poop or shivering and soaked on the back deck. Meanwhile, the favored dog is inside curled up on a chair. It made me SO upset. I am still pushing C to take Quincy to the Humane Society. Even if they put him down, it is still better than the life he's living at the house.
After hearing about the declining situation at the house, The Duke said those were warning signs and that it wasn't a healthy environment for Savannah.
I didn't mention my talk to C, but a few days later when I went by the house, the outside was completely cleaned up! The walkway was pressure washed, the cigarette butts were gone, the bikes were in the garage, and the boards were neatly stacked. Such a strange coincidence, but by then I had had time to think about The Duke's suggestion.
I know how hard/impossible it is to get stuff done when Savannah is hanging on my leg. I imagine it's the same for C. I think it's a good idea for him to take this time to go to his doctor and mental health counselor, get stuff done around the house, do some job hunting, and maybe even take some classes at the local community college and start exploring other career fields that aren't so hard on his body.
I think it would also be beneficial to Savannah to have other kids her age to play with and socialize. When I bring her home each night I feel so sorry for her because she has no one to play with. I'm it. And I don't always have a lot of energy for putting on a one man show. I want her to be comfortable around other kids and to learn to share.
The only thing left to do is figure out a way to broach it to C so that he doesn't get offended and fight it. I think his first reaction is going to be to think I am insulting him and his parenting.
I think he needs the kick out of his comfort zone so that he starts preparing for the time when he has to move out of the house and pay rent.
Right now I am going to look for a place to take Savannah 3 days a week, C would have her 1 day (unless he finds a job...I'll be more than happy to adjust) and I would have her on my Thursdays off.
I have a little more freedom now financially. I was initially going to add her onto my health insurance at work. Guess how much that would be (keeping in mind there is a $1000 deductible)...$426 a MONTH. Can you believe that ridiculousness??? Today I started looking around at how much private health insurance would be. You aren't going to believe the difference. I priced it with Providence, Blue Cross, and ODS and they were all pretty similar to each other in price and coverage. For the very best program they offer (also with a $1000 deductible) it is $125 a month. For the same coverage. What is wrong with this picture? Why the discrepancy??? I am so glad I looked around instead of just signing her up. I decided to go with ODS after calling her doctor's office (she is a naturopath) and hearing that they have had a really good record working with ODS. I turned the application in today and should be hearing back within 2 weeks. Hopefully sooner. That is a huge weight off my mind.
I think I am going to encourage C to get a divorce from Alex's mom and file for child support from her. That way he will have the cash to get Alex covered with health insurance. Plus it will finally clear up the mess that is his marriage history. Will it happen? Probably not. But for Alex' sake I hope he is open to the idea. It's about time her mom pitched in instead of leaving it up to the other women C brings into her life to take care of her.
I have an appointment on the 6th to talk to the VA Psych and get back on Prozac. I don't think it's a good sign when you start praying for an accident that will put you in a coma and force someone else to take care of things. Not good at all. Especially when you are completely serious about it. It got to the point where I thought to myself, What's the big deal about life? It's not so great. In fact, it kind of sucks.
It seems like I am psychologically on a downward trend and I would like to catch it before I get to the point of being suicidal.
I hope you all had a great Christmas. I, personally, am just glad I survived it and that it's over. Things HAVE to start improving soon, right???
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Down with Whining!
Sorry it's been so long since I posted. I want to start off by thanking those of you who posted verses that gave you hope. I will definitely be going back and rereading those again and again.
Today at work as I saw a patient pop up on the work list screen (meaning they were in the lobby, ready for me to come get them to take their xrays) I realized how much of a whiner I have become. It's really quite disgusting. Here I am with a good paying, secure job and what am I thinking about?
THIS is what I'm thinking about...
I hope the patient isn't fat.
I bet their fat and that's why their knees, back, feet, etc. hurt.
Why the heck are they coming here? Don't they have better things to do?
I NEVER get to read my book at work!
WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!
It was like a splash of cold water. How did I get this far? How did I get to be so ungrateful when so many people are struggling and searching and desperate for a job? I was quite ashamed of myself.
And yesterday, when C dropped off Savannah, for the first time she started crying and reached for him when I picked her up. My baby didn't want her mama. It totally broke my heart. I started crying and couldn't stop even as I was buckling her in and she was fighting me. I felt so sorry for myself. Here I was, all alone and now even the child I birthed into the world was deserting me. And it IS a sad thing, the first time your kids break your heart. But how unfair of me to try to put her on a pedestal and treat her like she isn't human. She isn't perfect, she has a will and most of all she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She is a child, and deserves the right to have her own opinion. Thank God she is healthy, and confident, and has a fully functioning brain to know what she wants. And besides, I'm pretty sure C was giving her candy in the car and that's why she wanted him. At least that is what I'm telling myself for now...
I have no idea where this post is headed, but I felt like it was important I didn't let anymore time go by without checking in. I feel like I am in a swirling flood of water, twirling down the bathtub drain. And if I don't start actively acting out, I am going to get washed away in grief, sadness, self-pity, bitterness, spite, anger, depression, hopelessness...you name it. It's all there, ready to drown me. I have to take action to save my life. I won't be an empty shell of a person. The experiences in my life are there for a purpose.
At church last Sunday the pastor was comparing the Bible with a wild west book. There are villains in our lives, and trials and tribulations, and things can seem like they are slated against us, but if we skip ahead to the end of the book, we will see that in the end we win! The middle part is all ok because of the victorious ending. Everything else leads up to that.
It's a simplistic way to look at things, but why make things complicated?
For now I will leave you with a scene from the Library Dollhouse. I was looking at it last weekend and realized whoever sets it up must have quite a sense of humor. Here's my first example...
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. In this room we have Granny May. It looks like she did a little too much sampling when canning her award-winning Plum Preserves. UH OH! Looks like SOMEone is going to be in the bathroom awhile!
Light a candle, Granny!
Today at work as I saw a patient pop up on the work list screen (meaning they were in the lobby, ready for me to come get them to take their xrays) I realized how much of a whiner I have become. It's really quite disgusting. Here I am with a good paying, secure job and what am I thinking about?
THIS is what I'm thinking about...
I hope the patient isn't fat.
I bet their fat and that's why their knees, back, feet, etc. hurt.
Why the heck are they coming here? Don't they have better things to do?
I NEVER get to read my book at work!
WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!
It was like a splash of cold water. How did I get this far? How did I get to be so ungrateful when so many people are struggling and searching and desperate for a job? I was quite ashamed of myself.
And yesterday, when C dropped off Savannah, for the first time she started crying and reached for him when I picked her up. My baby didn't want her mama. It totally broke my heart. I started crying and couldn't stop even as I was buckling her in and she was fighting me. I felt so sorry for myself. Here I was, all alone and now even the child I birthed into the world was deserting me. And it IS a sad thing, the first time your kids break your heart. But how unfair of me to try to put her on a pedestal and treat her like she isn't human. She isn't perfect, she has a will and most of all she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She is a child, and deserves the right to have her own opinion. Thank God she is healthy, and confident, and has a fully functioning brain to know what she wants. And besides, I'm pretty sure C was giving her candy in the car and that's why she wanted him. At least that is what I'm telling myself for now...
I have no idea where this post is headed, but I felt like it was important I didn't let anymore time go by without checking in. I feel like I am in a swirling flood of water, twirling down the bathtub drain. And if I don't start actively acting out, I am going to get washed away in grief, sadness, self-pity, bitterness, spite, anger, depression, hopelessness...you name it. It's all there, ready to drown me. I have to take action to save my life. I won't be an empty shell of a person. The experiences in my life are there for a purpose.
At church last Sunday the pastor was comparing the Bible with a wild west book. There are villains in our lives, and trials and tribulations, and things can seem like they are slated against us, but if we skip ahead to the end of the book, we will see that in the end we win! The middle part is all ok because of the victorious ending. Everything else leads up to that.
It's a simplistic way to look at things, but why make things complicated?
For now I will leave you with a scene from the Library Dollhouse. I was looking at it last weekend and realized whoever sets it up must have quite a sense of humor. Here's my first example...
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. In this room we have Granny May. It looks like she did a little too much sampling when canning her award-winning Plum Preserves. UH OH! Looks like SOMEone is going to be in the bathroom awhile!
Light a candle, Granny!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Hope
Joyous in Hope. That's the name of my blog and that is something I feel I am lacking in right now. I need hope. I am praying for hope and I would so much appreciate it if you would pray on my behalf as well.
C's sister came over this weekend (sorry if you are hearing this for the second time) to help with Alex's party. We got to talking and she told me that C had instructed her NOT to talk about him to me. V and I both agreed this is how he gets away with so much. He doesn't allow open communication which means his deception is harder to reveal. In the course of our conversation I found out that between being with Alex's mother and being with me there was another woman. A woman with two young boys that he and Alex moved in with. A woman he has never mentioned to me even thought the relationship was serious enough that they were living together. And it had to have ended RIGHT before we met. Even just writing that makes me feel sick to my stomach.
He has so little respect for relationships. He has so little respect for Alex.
I am constantly being astounded by more and more deception. He told me when we met that he hadn't dated anyone seriously since Alex was born. (At that point the story he was telling was that her mom gave him full custody and washed her hands of everything when Alex was 2 weeks old. He painted a picture of a a single dad, struggling to raise his baby girl alone.) The truth is he has jumped from one relationship to the next with basically no time in between. And he has dragged Alex along behind him.
My first instinct is to confront him and berate him and try to make him understand that the things he has done are so wrong. But the fact is that I know it wont make a difference. He won't get it. I don't know what it is that make him so different from me, but he doesn't seem to have a conscience. He has never shown remorse for the deception, the theft, the embarrassment and stress he has caused me and our family.
So if confronting him isn't going to get him to change his ways, what would be the point? Would it be a release for me? I don't think it would. I think it would cause more frustration when no matter what I said, he wasn't able or willing to see the terrible wrongs he's committed.
I can't control him, so how do I control his power to hurt me? How do I cut him off emotionally while still dealing with him on a day to day basis? At what point will it not matter what comes into the light? When will I have moved on? When will I have put this relationship behind me?
How do I keep from getting flattened by his actions? I am in charge of how I react to situations, but I am unable to control the way those situations make me feel.
I feel so much hurt and disbelief and there is a very real, very physical knot that forms in my throat and in my gut when I think about these things. And on top of it all I now have fury that he has such little care for Alex that he would put himself on a pedestal above her. He has completely disregarded the little girl that is in his care and has instead done what was easiest for him. I haven't been able to feel angry about the things he has done to me, but I am starting to feel a fury about the things he has done to her. She has absolutely no say in things and is completely at his mercy. And the horrible thing is that so far there has been no mercy.
I don't know what to do. I have to remind myself that she was God's child long before Chris came into the picture. And I have to pray that I can be what she needs.
Right now I feel like a speck of dust. Small, insignificant, powerless, and worthless. Blown about by the winds of circumstance. I know it's not true, but it's how I feel.
And so I need hope. I need hope that things will get better. That there is control and order in the universe. I need hope that things will be ok and that the girls will turn out all right. I need hope that one day I will be happy and fulfilled and full of joy again. Because right now things feel pretty desolate.
So please, if you have something, a verse, a song, anything that brings you hope, please let me know because it might be the first rung I need to crawl out of this dark pit.
Thank you for reading and following along on this roller coaster of a life I have been living the past few months. I pray things will settle down soon.
C's sister came over this weekend (sorry if you are hearing this for the second time) to help with Alex's party. We got to talking and she told me that C had instructed her NOT to talk about him to me. V and I both agreed this is how he gets away with so much. He doesn't allow open communication which means his deception is harder to reveal. In the course of our conversation I found out that between being with Alex's mother and being with me there was another woman. A woman with two young boys that he and Alex moved in with. A woman he has never mentioned to me even thought the relationship was serious enough that they were living together. And it had to have ended RIGHT before we met. Even just writing that makes me feel sick to my stomach.
He has so little respect for relationships. He has so little respect for Alex.
I am constantly being astounded by more and more deception. He told me when we met that he hadn't dated anyone seriously since Alex was born. (At that point the story he was telling was that her mom gave him full custody and washed her hands of everything when Alex was 2 weeks old. He painted a picture of a a single dad, struggling to raise his baby girl alone.) The truth is he has jumped from one relationship to the next with basically no time in between. And he has dragged Alex along behind him.
My first instinct is to confront him and berate him and try to make him understand that the things he has done are so wrong. But the fact is that I know it wont make a difference. He won't get it. I don't know what it is that make him so different from me, but he doesn't seem to have a conscience. He has never shown remorse for the deception, the theft, the embarrassment and stress he has caused me and our family.
So if confronting him isn't going to get him to change his ways, what would be the point? Would it be a release for me? I don't think it would. I think it would cause more frustration when no matter what I said, he wasn't able or willing to see the terrible wrongs he's committed.
I can't control him, so how do I control his power to hurt me? How do I cut him off emotionally while still dealing with him on a day to day basis? At what point will it not matter what comes into the light? When will I have moved on? When will I have put this relationship behind me?
How do I keep from getting flattened by his actions? I am in charge of how I react to situations, but I am unable to control the way those situations make me feel.
I feel so much hurt and disbelief and there is a very real, very physical knot that forms in my throat and in my gut when I think about these things. And on top of it all I now have fury that he has such little care for Alex that he would put himself on a pedestal above her. He has completely disregarded the little girl that is in his care and has instead done what was easiest for him. I haven't been able to feel angry about the things he has done to me, but I am starting to feel a fury about the things he has done to her. She has absolutely no say in things and is completely at his mercy. And the horrible thing is that so far there has been no mercy.
I don't know what to do. I have to remind myself that she was God's child long before Chris came into the picture. And I have to pray that I can be what she needs.
Right now I feel like a speck of dust. Small, insignificant, powerless, and worthless. Blown about by the winds of circumstance. I know it's not true, but it's how I feel.
And so I need hope. I need hope that things will get better. That there is control and order in the universe. I need hope that things will be ok and that the girls will turn out all right. I need hope that one day I will be happy and fulfilled and full of joy again. Because right now things feel pretty desolate.
So please, if you have something, a verse, a song, anything that brings you hope, please let me know because it might be the first rung I need to crawl out of this dark pit.
Thank you for reading and following along on this roller coaster of a life I have been living the past few months. I pray things will settle down soon.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Things are Looking Up!
I don't know what has changed. Maybe it was getting 2 nights of uninterrupted sleep in a row (thanks to C), maybe it was Dr. Ray's potions finally kicking in, maybe it was God thinking I needed a reprieve, but whatever it was I feel GREAT today. For the first time in weeks, when I was at work I actually didn't mind working. I didn't feel angry and bitter at the patients coming in or like a ticking bomb about to go off.
When I got home the good feelings continued. The house was a little messy, but didn't overwhelm me. C brought Savannah back (and succeeded in getting my toilet unclogged. HALLELUJAH!!) and it was such a joy to play with her and watch her do her own thing around the house and just love on her. I cannot beLIEVE how much I love that little girl! I held her and rocked her before sticking her in bed and almost didn't want to put her down. She is so sweet and I am so lucky!
Ruth Anne is on her way down, bringing her whole household with her. In fact, she might even be moving things back into her new/old home as I am typing this. That is a big contributor towards my good mood.
I got a new haircut and highlights last night and am quite happy with it. The more I get used to it, the more I like it. Just that small change is enough to lift my mood even more.
I saw The Duke yesterday and had a really good session. I just dumped everything out on him, from my chronically clogged toilet, to the creditors calling, to Savannah not sleeping, to my weight gain...everything. He suggested I make an appointment with my doc at the VA and get back on Prozac for this stressful time in my life. I think the crazy look in my eye might have scared him a little. I agree with him about the Prozac. I thought I would be able to tough it out, but I think this period in my life isn't just about moving into an apartment and the paperwork of a bankruptcy and divorce. That stuff might not take forever to do, but the effects will be felt much longer. And they take a toll on me. For that reason I am going to get back with my old friend Prozac. I had thought our time together was done, but it appears we have at least one more reunion.
I am going to really focus these last few weeks of the year to eating healthy, drinking lots of water, taking vitamins and getting my body as strong as possible and then doing another round of HCG after the new year. I have never really done the prep work before a round and I think it will really help me get rid of the 32 pounds that have no business clinging to my tummy, hips and bum. Those 32 pounds are having a huge affect on my physical abilities and how I interact with Savannah, on my emotional state, on my comfort level around friends...they are affecting every area of my life and I want them gone.
Dr Ray told me that as my body is brought back into balance I will experience the energy and desire to run again like I used to. I literally have dreams about running and feeling the stress leave my body and my muscles rejoicing to be stretching and moving. I am so looking forward to getting into shape again.
I think I am going to go relax in a hot bath, read up on what I need to do to prepare for HCG, then have a good night's sleep.
And tomorrow, some shopping with my mom! REALLY good deals at Fred Meyer's and Toys R Us tomorrow. Just FYI.
When I got home the good feelings continued. The house was a little messy, but didn't overwhelm me. C brought Savannah back (and succeeded in getting my toilet unclogged. HALLELUJAH!!) and it was such a joy to play with her and watch her do her own thing around the house and just love on her. I cannot beLIEVE how much I love that little girl! I held her and rocked her before sticking her in bed and almost didn't want to put her down. She is so sweet and I am so lucky!
Ruth Anne is on her way down, bringing her whole household with her. In fact, she might even be moving things back into her new/old home as I am typing this. That is a big contributor towards my good mood.
I got a new haircut and highlights last night and am quite happy with it. The more I get used to it, the more I like it. Just that small change is enough to lift my mood even more.
I saw The Duke yesterday and had a really good session. I just dumped everything out on him, from my chronically clogged toilet, to the creditors calling, to Savannah not sleeping, to my weight gain...everything. He suggested I make an appointment with my doc at the VA and get back on Prozac for this stressful time in my life. I think the crazy look in my eye might have scared him a little. I agree with him about the Prozac. I thought I would be able to tough it out, but I think this period in my life isn't just about moving into an apartment and the paperwork of a bankruptcy and divorce. That stuff might not take forever to do, but the effects will be felt much longer. And they take a toll on me. For that reason I am going to get back with my old friend Prozac. I had thought our time together was done, but it appears we have at least one more reunion.
I am going to really focus these last few weeks of the year to eating healthy, drinking lots of water, taking vitamins and getting my body as strong as possible and then doing another round of HCG after the new year. I have never really done the prep work before a round and I think it will really help me get rid of the 32 pounds that have no business clinging to my tummy, hips and bum. Those 32 pounds are having a huge affect on my physical abilities and how I interact with Savannah, on my emotional state, on my comfort level around friends...they are affecting every area of my life and I want them gone.
Dr Ray told me that as my body is brought back into balance I will experience the energy and desire to run again like I used to. I literally have dreams about running and feeling the stress leave my body and my muscles rejoicing to be stretching and moving. I am so looking forward to getting into shape again.
I think I am going to go relax in a hot bath, read up on what I need to do to prepare for HCG, then have a good night's sleep.
And tomorrow, some shopping with my mom! REALLY good deals at Fred Meyer's and Toys R Us tomorrow. Just FYI.
A Psalm
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Pictures from the last week
The last few posts haven't had any pictures, so I thought I would catch you up on my activities with a photo blog. Enjoy:)
Also, in case you hadn't noticed, this is my second post today. So be sure to click on the older post link so you can hear how today REALLY went.
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| I cut Alex's hair and it looked SO cute. Until it dried the next morning and became a frizzed out afro-halo around her head. I got in trouble by C for that one. I didn't realize he felt very strongly about growing her hair out. Oopsie. |
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| This is from the back (talk about stating the obvious!) It had already started springing up more than I thought it would. And would continue to do so. |
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| Isn't it SUCH a cute little bob? A lady from work with tight curls told me about a new product to try to help the curls keep their nice ringlet shape and not morf into a frizzy mass. I am going to try that out next time we wash her hair. I will let you know if it's a success. We've been searching for a good product for YEARS. |
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| I got a free Christmas tree from someone at work who cut down a bunch on his property. It is razor sharp and I have decided it will be going on the balcony and I will be springing for a new tree on Saturday. One that I can string lights on without shredding the flesh on my arms. |
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| Savannah faced down her first airplane this week. |
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| She thought it was pretty cool. |
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| Couldn't get enough of looking at all the excitement happening outside. |
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| She's my sweetheart. Even if she did commence some serious caterwauling once we got on. |
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| After we got back from Arizona, Alex came over because I had promised to straighten her hair for her birthday (Tuesday). This is right after her bath. Devious looking, isn't she? |
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| "The curls must go!" |
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| Somehow during the straightening process she aged about 8 years. I'm not sure exactly how this happened. |
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She approved of the hair and kept running her fingers through it, swishing it around, checking herself out in the mirror, having me check her out in the mirror, you get the idea. She loved it.  The next day for her actual birthday we went to Pietro's Pizza with her best friend, Victoria (Tori). Victoria reminds me so much of me when I was her age. A little shy and self conscious but SUCH a pleasure to have around and spoil a little.  The mandatory Birthday Tiara  Showing off her super cute new t-shirt that she rushed to the bathroom to change into. Yeah, I did good:)  A little sisterly love.  Dance, Dance, Revolution. Savannah couldn't stay away. What she lacks in rhythm she makes up for in enthusiasm.  Victoria trying her hand at Deal or no Deal.  You would be surprised at how many tickets Savannah won just by going around pushing random buttons. She did us proud.  This is Alex on Mt Dew. Not pretty. Not something I want to repeat for another year.;)  We had to drag Savannah off this Flinstone car ride. I let her ride it twice and then resorted to rocking it with my hand. She thought she was still riding. Cheap mommy! Overall, I would say Miss Alexandria had a spectacular birthday. And she still has her "official" birthday party on Sunday with all the family. 8 is an awesome thing to be! |
So this is what Crazy feels like
Last night and all of today have been a blur of one meltdown after another. I'm not sure what exactly is going on, or why it's happening right now. I believe some of it can be chalked up to the fact that little Miss Savannah decided not to sleep last night. Let me correct myself, she decided to sleep from 7:00 until around 1:30. And then she started to cry. I figured she would settle down so I didn't get up to get her immediately. A half hour later I decided to bring her into bed with me. I had secretly been feeling lonely and wanted to cuddle with her anyway. There was no cuddling involved. Just a lot more crying. I gave her some teething tablets and a dose of Children's Tylenol (which she valiantly fought taking). They didn't seem to do a lick of good. I kept all the lights off in the apartment and walked around with her thinking that would lull her back to sleep. She was fine until I stopped walking or tried to sit. I finally gave up the idea of sleeping in my bed and took her to the couch thinking maybe she was congested and would sleep better if we were propped up on the couch a little. She took this as an indicator that it was time to get up and play. And she did. She played in the dark of the living room for about 2 1/2 hours. While I watched the minutes tick away on the clock. Around 5:00 I decided enough was enough and offered her food (nope) and water (nope) and changed her diaper. Knowing any pressing needs had been met, I stuck her in bed and let her cry it out. And she did. For about 1 1/2 hours. During which time I felt my grasp on sanity slip further and further away. But knowing that she would be so exhausted, we would both be able to sleep in. The child woke up at 7:15. Wide awake. No chance of going back to sleep awake. I dragged myself out of bed and out to the living room to try to snooze a little while she played. Not very effective because she decided she wanted me to read books to her. Hard, heavy cardboard books that she thrust at my groggy head. Books that knocked any semblance of sane right out the door. I bided my time until an acceptable nap hour and then back into bed she went for some more crying. At this point I joined her in the tear-fest.
After so little sleep my whole world seemed to cave in around me. I took one look in the mirror at my swollen, pasty body, my greasy hair, and the vacant look in my eyes and called it a day.
The house was overwhelmingly messy, the toilet had been clogged for about a week and no amount of plunging would clear it, a migraine had set in that threatened to implode my head completely, people were calling to collect money (which I had hoped the BANKRUPTCY would take care of) and I was done.
Thank God for sisters. I don't know if their spidey senses were tingling, but right when I had one foot hanging off the cliff and the other about to join it, I got a text from Sarah and another from Ruth Anne asking how I was doing. And I told them without holding back. And they totally stepped up to the plate for me. Sarah volunteered (and then ignored me when I protested) to come right over, take Savannah off my hands AND clean up the apartment. Ruth Anne basically volunteered the same thing for Sunday (the day after moving back from another state. With 3 kids.) and added she would help decorate for Alex's birthday party that afternoon.
I don't know what I would have done without these girls.
I would like to state now that I am NOT suicidal, but today brought me close enough that I can understand where suicidal people are coming from. After finally forcing myself to get up and dressed and get out of the apartment, I was told by not one, but two people that I looked like crap/hell. Um thanks. Did it ever enter their mind that if I looked so bad I probably FELT pretty bad and didn't need an extra kick while I was down?? Each insult sent me into a fresh batch of sobbing.
Tonight C has Savannah which I am so thankful for.
I feel like I am going through a detox/withdrawal right now. I am hoping this is a good and normal thing after visiting Dr. Ray. Most of all I am hoping it is temporary and not indicative of things to come.
As I was sitting in my car on the way home from dropping off Savannah, with rivers of tears coursing down my puffy face and sobs wracking my body a thought suddenly popped into some still coherent area of my mind. It was this..."This is a time that could really be used to strengthen my faith." Everything felt completely hopeless. The kind of hopeless where it seems like the world around you doesn't exist and strange thoughts start to enter your mind. For example I drove by a park where they were handing out free meals to the homeless. And I contemplated what it would be like to just give my car away to one of the homeless (not that it would do them a whole lot of good seeing as the gas light had been blinking at me for several miles) and to just walk away from everything. To leave behind all my possessions and walk away. And if I don't have food and starve to death, so what? And if it's cold and I have to sleep outside, no big deal. I obviously didn't choose that path since I am typing away on a laptop that would not have been part of my "walking" gear.
Through the bleakness of the moment, a line from a song came to me "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will sing "Blessed be the Name of the Lord"'. This is such a dark time for me. And this is when I need my faith more than ever. I am not alone or forsaken. It sure feels like it, but those feelings aren't what is true.
And when I was so low, he sent my sisters to lift me up and carry me. And he sent C to take over the burden of the insomniac child for a night so I could try to restore balance to my brain.
And tomorrow I will have my lawyer earn his keep and send bankruptcy letters to the creditors who are still harassing me. And tonight I will dope myself up and sleep.
Tomorrow I see The Duke. May the Lord have mercy on his soul, he's going to earn his money on this session!
After so little sleep my whole world seemed to cave in around me. I took one look in the mirror at my swollen, pasty body, my greasy hair, and the vacant look in my eyes and called it a day.
The house was overwhelmingly messy, the toilet had been clogged for about a week and no amount of plunging would clear it, a migraine had set in that threatened to implode my head completely, people were calling to collect money (which I had hoped the BANKRUPTCY would take care of) and I was done.
Thank God for sisters. I don't know if their spidey senses were tingling, but right when I had one foot hanging off the cliff and the other about to join it, I got a text from Sarah and another from Ruth Anne asking how I was doing. And I told them without holding back. And they totally stepped up to the plate for me. Sarah volunteered (and then ignored me when I protested) to come right over, take Savannah off my hands AND clean up the apartment. Ruth Anne basically volunteered the same thing for Sunday (the day after moving back from another state. With 3 kids.) and added she would help decorate for Alex's birthday party that afternoon.
I don't know what I would have done without these girls.
I would like to state now that I am NOT suicidal, but today brought me close enough that I can understand where suicidal people are coming from. After finally forcing myself to get up and dressed and get out of the apartment, I was told by not one, but two people that I looked like crap/hell. Um thanks. Did it ever enter their mind that if I looked so bad I probably FELT pretty bad and didn't need an extra kick while I was down?? Each insult sent me into a fresh batch of sobbing.
Tonight C has Savannah which I am so thankful for.
I feel like I am going through a detox/withdrawal right now. I am hoping this is a good and normal thing after visiting Dr. Ray. Most of all I am hoping it is temporary and not indicative of things to come.
As I was sitting in my car on the way home from dropping off Savannah, with rivers of tears coursing down my puffy face and sobs wracking my body a thought suddenly popped into some still coherent area of my mind. It was this..."This is a time that could really be used to strengthen my faith." Everything felt completely hopeless. The kind of hopeless where it seems like the world around you doesn't exist and strange thoughts start to enter your mind. For example I drove by a park where they were handing out free meals to the homeless. And I contemplated what it would be like to just give my car away to one of the homeless (not that it would do them a whole lot of good seeing as the gas light had been blinking at me for several miles) and to just walk away from everything. To leave behind all my possessions and walk away. And if I don't have food and starve to death, so what? And if it's cold and I have to sleep outside, no big deal. I obviously didn't choose that path since I am typing away on a laptop that would not have been part of my "walking" gear.
Through the bleakness of the moment, a line from a song came to me "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will sing "Blessed be the Name of the Lord"'. This is such a dark time for me. And this is when I need my faith more than ever. I am not alone or forsaken. It sure feels like it, but those feelings aren't what is true.
And when I was so low, he sent my sisters to lift me up and carry me. And he sent C to take over the burden of the insomniac child for a night so I could try to restore balance to my brain.
And tomorrow I will have my lawyer earn his keep and send bankruptcy letters to the creditors who are still harassing me. And tonight I will dope myself up and sleep.
Tomorrow I see The Duke. May the Lord have mercy on his soul, he's going to earn his money on this session!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Back in the Saddle
I am back from my quick trip to Arizona. It definitely did NOT go as planned, but it was a success in it's own way. Murphy and his law followed my mom and I from our first step into the Portland airport to the moment I pulled in her driveway to drop her off. I don't think it would be super interesting if I listed each detail of things gone awry, but I will give you the highlights to give you a "feel" for the trip.
We left Salem early, wanting to get to the airport and checked in without feeling rushed. Thank goodness we did. My mom had checked in early online but I had to go to the desk and show Savannah's birth certificate to show she was young enough to fly on my lap. Not a big deal. At least it wasn't a big deal until we made it to security and were both turned back...my mom because she tried to get through with an itinerary (I KNOW how weird that didn't "fly" with them) and me because the man at the counter had handed me an empty envelope with no boarding passes in it. So we both headed back to start over. After working our way through the zigzagging roped off area leading to security again we dutifully put our things on the conveyor belt and stepped through the metal detector. My mom passed with flying colors. I did too, but because of the long skirt I was wearing and the possibility of massive weapons under said long skirt I was sent to stand in a clear box while someone was called over to pat me down. My mom, oblivious that I wasn't right behind her, glanced back to see Savannah standing with me in the box with her hands and face pressed to the box trying to get out. She said it reminded her of a mime. So funny! (At this point things were still funny). Because of my short imprisonment, I hadn't been able to get all my things off the conveyor belt which left my mom scrambling to gather everything together and keep the line from backing up to Timbuktu. Someone worthy was finally found to do my pat down and we were on our way. Or so we thought. We made it to our gate before my mom realized in all the ruckus she had misplaced her cell phone. So back she went to get it from the now familiar folks in security. (Thanks TSA!)
As we waited for our flight my mom explained she had a preboarding pass which would allow us to board before everyone else and hopefully snag the first row of seats. These seats have more leg room and would allow Savannah the option of stretching her legs during flight. After announcing they were starting to board, my mom (although she disputes this happened) pointed me to the area where there was a line with several mothers, babies, and strollers. I headed over, thinking she was right behind me. Once there, I turned to get my boarding pass from her and realized she wasn't there. hmm. I figured she had gone to throw away some garbage and would be right back. I craned my head, searching the immediate area to no avail. Surely she hadn't boarded without me! I began looking through my bags, frantically trying to find the boarding pass for Savannah and myself. Nada. I realized she must have gotten on the plane with them. I made my way to the ticket taker and explained the situation, asking if there was any way they could pretty please get her to come back out so I could get the passes. He sent me away, with a disapproving look, to the check in counter to print out more. After FINALLY making it on the plane I found my mother, waging her own battles trying to keep the vultures from stealing the seats she valiantly defended for me. Sitting in her lap was my book with the boarding passes serving as nifty bookmarks.
Fast forward to arriving in Phoenix where my grandmother was supposed to be picking us up at the North gate. And then the South gate...after much weary confusion we were all safely seated and on our way to the hotel.
We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express in Scottsdale which was quite nice. The rooms were, well, roomy with the living room and bedroom separated by some french doors. The lobby was cozy with comfortable leather sofas surrounding a merrily lit Christmas tree. They served complimentary breakfast in the morning, chili in the evening and milk and cookies after that. So cool!
The whole lobby was decorated with garland, ornaments and poinsettias. Very festive.
After we decided to retire for the night I laid Savannah down in the crib they had wheeled up for our convenience. And she proceeded to scream and cry into the wee hours of the morning. She didn't want food, she didn't want to be in bed with me, she didn't want anything but to make sure no one was able to get sleep. I ended up taking her into the living area and sleeping with her on the floor so she could wander if so inclined. Not a restful night. The next morning we woke up bright and early for breakfast and then our trek to Dr.Ray's office. I will save the actual office visit for another post.
We left the office with renewed hope and vigor...some more than others.
After arriving back at the hotel, I put Savannah down for a nap knowing she would conk out immediately. Not so much. Again, crying, and screaming which subsided to talking to herself for at least 30 minutes before she finally FINALLY fell asleep. And so did I. As the sun outside was shining in 75 degree weather, I was holed up in my hotel room trying to make up for the night of missed sleep. That evening we ordered pizza and called it a night. Days in Arizona: 2. Days in Arizona sun:0. Not what I had planned.
That night Savannah went to sleep quickly, only waking up once to come hang out with the grownups for a little bit before going back to sleep. Hurray!
The next morning it was breakfast again and then an early start to the airport. We were convinced things would go differently. I checked in one of my bags to make things easier in flight. We showed up at our gate nice and early, like good travelers do. My mom again had procured a preboarding pass and we were determined to stick together. And then the wheelchairs started arriving. Apparently, wheelchairs take precedence over preboarders who are on their own two feet. No big deal we thought. And then more wheelchairs came. And more. We might have gotten a little hysterical at this point. But we weren't the only ones. As the wheelchair brigade grew longer and longer I noticed other passengers discreetly (and some not so discreetly) taking pictures of this train of elderly people. It was like the airlines was running a 2 for 1 senior special. Or like the Phoenix Center for Seniors had decided a field trip to see the snow in Oregon was needed. At last count there were 15 wheelchairs. Lined up in 3 lanes like quarter horses at the track. Miracle of miracles, we were able to still find a spot in the first row, next to one of the elderly racers. It's a trip I am sure he will never forget.
It looked so promising to start off with. As we sat getting ready to taxi, Savannah's eyes were growing heavy and the flight attendants predicted she would be out like a light as soon as we took off. And oh how I hoped they were right. But alas, it was not to be. She screamed for about half the flight. A two hour flight. She wanted up when she was down and down when she was up. She wanted crackers and then she wanted to throw the crackers on the floor. There was no pleasing her. And unfortunately that meant there was no pleasing the innocent victims around us. I contemplated spending the trip in the bathroom, hopefully muffling her shrill shrieks. But seeing as we were on an elderly flight, the restroom was busy earning it's keep, if you know what I mean.
After traumatizing the entire plane, we landed safely and rushed to leave the airport behind us. I think we were all ready to get home and relax in our own snug beds. Which we did after after enduring a few snafus with parking, meeting up with Heather to drop off her son Zachary...you get the idea.
Will I go back to Arizona? Definitely! Will I be taking sweet little Savannah? Not so much.
I am going to end this post here, but fear not! I will try to post again tonight with some pictures and maybe some details of the doctor's visit itself.
Until we meet again,
adieu!
We left Salem early, wanting to get to the airport and checked in without feeling rushed. Thank goodness we did. My mom had checked in early online but I had to go to the desk and show Savannah's birth certificate to show she was young enough to fly on my lap. Not a big deal. At least it wasn't a big deal until we made it to security and were both turned back...my mom because she tried to get through with an itinerary (I KNOW how weird that didn't "fly" with them) and me because the man at the counter had handed me an empty envelope with no boarding passes in it. So we both headed back to start over. After working our way through the zigzagging roped off area leading to security again we dutifully put our things on the conveyor belt and stepped through the metal detector. My mom passed with flying colors. I did too, but because of the long skirt I was wearing and the possibility of massive weapons under said long skirt I was sent to stand in a clear box while someone was called over to pat me down. My mom, oblivious that I wasn't right behind her, glanced back to see Savannah standing with me in the box with her hands and face pressed to the box trying to get out. She said it reminded her of a mime. So funny! (At this point things were still funny). Because of my short imprisonment, I hadn't been able to get all my things off the conveyor belt which left my mom scrambling to gather everything together and keep the line from backing up to Timbuktu. Someone worthy was finally found to do my pat down and we were on our way. Or so we thought. We made it to our gate before my mom realized in all the ruckus she had misplaced her cell phone. So back she went to get it from the now familiar folks in security. (Thanks TSA!)
As we waited for our flight my mom explained she had a preboarding pass which would allow us to board before everyone else and hopefully snag the first row of seats. These seats have more leg room and would allow Savannah the option of stretching her legs during flight. After announcing they were starting to board, my mom (although she disputes this happened) pointed me to the area where there was a line with several mothers, babies, and strollers. I headed over, thinking she was right behind me. Once there, I turned to get my boarding pass from her and realized she wasn't there. hmm. I figured she had gone to throw away some garbage and would be right back. I craned my head, searching the immediate area to no avail. Surely she hadn't boarded without me! I began looking through my bags, frantically trying to find the boarding pass for Savannah and myself. Nada. I realized she must have gotten on the plane with them. I made my way to the ticket taker and explained the situation, asking if there was any way they could pretty please get her to come back out so I could get the passes. He sent me away, with a disapproving look, to the check in counter to print out more. After FINALLY making it on the plane I found my mother, waging her own battles trying to keep the vultures from stealing the seats she valiantly defended for me. Sitting in her lap was my book with the boarding passes serving as nifty bookmarks.
Fast forward to arriving in Phoenix where my grandmother was supposed to be picking us up at the North gate. And then the South gate...after much weary confusion we were all safely seated and on our way to the hotel.
We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express in Scottsdale which was quite nice. The rooms were, well, roomy with the living room and bedroom separated by some french doors. The lobby was cozy with comfortable leather sofas surrounding a merrily lit Christmas tree. They served complimentary breakfast in the morning, chili in the evening and milk and cookies after that. So cool!
The whole lobby was decorated with garland, ornaments and poinsettias. Very festive.
After we decided to retire for the night I laid Savannah down in the crib they had wheeled up for our convenience. And she proceeded to scream and cry into the wee hours of the morning. She didn't want food, she didn't want to be in bed with me, she didn't want anything but to make sure no one was able to get sleep. I ended up taking her into the living area and sleeping with her on the floor so she could wander if so inclined. Not a restful night. The next morning we woke up bright and early for breakfast and then our trek to Dr.Ray's office. I will save the actual office visit for another post.
We left the office with renewed hope and vigor...some more than others.
After arriving back at the hotel, I put Savannah down for a nap knowing she would conk out immediately. Not so much. Again, crying, and screaming which subsided to talking to herself for at least 30 minutes before she finally FINALLY fell asleep. And so did I. As the sun outside was shining in 75 degree weather, I was holed up in my hotel room trying to make up for the night of missed sleep. That evening we ordered pizza and called it a night. Days in Arizona: 2. Days in Arizona sun:0. Not what I had planned.
That night Savannah went to sleep quickly, only waking up once to come hang out with the grownups for a little bit before going back to sleep. Hurray!
The next morning it was breakfast again and then an early start to the airport. We were convinced things would go differently. I checked in one of my bags to make things easier in flight. We showed up at our gate nice and early, like good travelers do. My mom again had procured a preboarding pass and we were determined to stick together. And then the wheelchairs started arriving. Apparently, wheelchairs take precedence over preboarders who are on their own two feet. No big deal we thought. And then more wheelchairs came. And more. We might have gotten a little hysterical at this point. But we weren't the only ones. As the wheelchair brigade grew longer and longer I noticed other passengers discreetly (and some not so discreetly) taking pictures of this train of elderly people. It was like the airlines was running a 2 for 1 senior special. Or like the Phoenix Center for Seniors had decided a field trip to see the snow in Oregon was needed. At last count there were 15 wheelchairs. Lined up in 3 lanes like quarter horses at the track. Miracle of miracles, we were able to still find a spot in the first row, next to one of the elderly racers. It's a trip I am sure he will never forget.
It looked so promising to start off with. As we sat getting ready to taxi, Savannah's eyes were growing heavy and the flight attendants predicted she would be out like a light as soon as we took off. And oh how I hoped they were right. But alas, it was not to be. She screamed for about half the flight. A two hour flight. She wanted up when she was down and down when she was up. She wanted crackers and then she wanted to throw the crackers on the floor. There was no pleasing her. And unfortunately that meant there was no pleasing the innocent victims around us. I contemplated spending the trip in the bathroom, hopefully muffling her shrill shrieks. But seeing as we were on an elderly flight, the restroom was busy earning it's keep, if you know what I mean.
After traumatizing the entire plane, we landed safely and rushed to leave the airport behind us. I think we were all ready to get home and relax in our own snug beds. Which we did after after enduring a few snafus with parking, meeting up with Heather to drop off her son Zachary...you get the idea.
Will I go back to Arizona? Definitely! Will I be taking sweet little Savannah? Not so much.
I am going to end this post here, but fear not! I will try to post again tonight with some pictures and maybe some details of the doctor's visit itself.
Until we meet again,
adieu!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thanks! (Not another Thanksgiving post)
I want to start by saying a heartfelt Thank You to everyone who commented on my last post. It meant so much to me. I have read and re-read each one and every time have had to wipe away tears. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. It provided so much support that I needed today because...
today I went to the courthouse to get the divorce packet.
The wave of emotion that hit me totally took me by surprise. I thought the attitude of "don't think about it, just do what you have to do, take care of business" would help get me through this like it has my bankruptcy. It wasn't like I was actually filing for divorce today or sitting down with a lawyer. I was just getting the paperwork needed to think about filing for divorce.
When the lady started talking about who was eligible to serve C with the papers and what procedures they needed to follow, I almost lost it. I had to look down real fast and blink real hard to keep the tears from flowing. Everything became so real and so final. And it's all happening RIGHT NOW. How did I get here??
All the thoughts about the divorce have lead me to start thinking about a time when C and I were dating. I had decided to break up with him because things felt off. I didn't like how he was so dependent on me and I didn't like the fact that he didn't get along with my best friend and had made it clear he wouldn't even try to patch up their mutual dislike for each other. I drove to his apartment when I knew he would be working (typical me. Totally passive-aggressive.). I left him a note that just said "Sorry". And I headed back home. I was shaking both from relief, from sadness, and more than a little from fear that he would flip out and climb in my window at night and kill me. In fact I called Ruth Anne on that trip home and voiced my fears to her. She basically told me to drive away as fast as I could and not to look back.
It's funny how the human brain will overlook those glaring moments of clarity to see the facade of a fairytale that they prefer. But not funny in a ha-ha way. More of a "what the heck is wrong with me, look at all the trouble it's caused" kind of way.
As you have probably figured out, I eventually got lonely/second guessed my decision and got back together with him. At that point the blinders were on and the "fairytale" was in full swing. I was determined that this would work. I don't know if it was my biological clock ticking that subconsciously screamed I was running out of time and I needed to find me a husband NOW, but whatever it was, I listened and obeyed. I threw away my better sense. That first instinct that told me that C was not a good candidate. If nothing else, I have learned the value of that first thought that comes before the larger part of you tries to reason it away. But at a terrible cost.
So now here I am trying to wade through pages of legal mumbo jumbo not knowing how much I should be asking for child support or how he is going to react when he sees I am requesting full custody. There are so many decisions to be made and many of them will affect Savannah and I for at least the next 18 years. These are BIG decisions! And what is my life raft in this sea of uncertainty? It's this...
God is completely aware of my stupidity and ignorance and lack of wisdom. He has compared me to a sheep. A sheep is an animal whose brain is there to remind it to eat, drink, and poop. The rest of the brain is basically ornamental. It is a helpless creature, especially when it is out in the wild. It needs guidance. It needs a Sheppard to let it know when the water is safe to drink and where it is safe to graze. It needs a Sheppard keeping watch, warding off any dangerous predators. The sheep isn't fearful. It has complete trust in the competence of the Sheppard.
And I am that sheep. In my own ignorance, I might think that I know something. I might think that I have things under control and that I am smarter than the other sheep and won't succumb to bad circumstances. All it takes is a whiff of danger and I am reminded of what my role actually is. I am not the leader, I am not in charge. That responsibility is not mine to bear. I have a Sheppard who is actively looking out for my very best. He sees what I am going through and he knows where to take me so I find the most nutritious grass and the clearest water. What do I need to do? Just humble myself and put my faith in him and open myself to his word. What a relief! I don't have to stress about all the money I could be saving if I had stayed in the house...the money is God's and he has limitless amounts. He has given me some to tend to and I need to hold it in an open hand so that it is free to flow where he wishes. (that's from Dave Ramsey:). I don't need to stress about the paperwork...the paperwork will get done. He will provide people to help me when I have questions. In fact, he has provided me with those people already through my friend Debbie. I have access to an outstanding law firm that I can call and pick their brains for an incredibly tiny amount of money each month. God provided. In each and every situation and problem, God has provided. Without fail.
Tomorrow Savannah and I leave for Arizona with my mom. We will be meeting Ruth Anne there. We are going to visit with my grandparents and my aunt who hasn't ever seen Savannah. We will also be visiting a very special doctor who specializes in looking at your live blood under a microscope and from that is able to tell where any imbalances are in your body. I am so excited to see what comes out of the visit. The rest of my family has gotten so much help from him and I am glad it's my turn now.
I don't know too many details about him yet, but I will soon find out and report back!
I just want to end this with another big thanks for the people who have taken time to read and respond to my new blog project. It means so so much to me. If you blog and would like to share it with me, please just leave the address in in the comments section. I'll be your follower if you'll be mine;)
I hope you are all doing well and I'll be thinking of you as I enjoy the sunny 75 degree weather in Arizona!
today I went to the courthouse to get the divorce packet.
The wave of emotion that hit me totally took me by surprise. I thought the attitude of "don't think about it, just do what you have to do, take care of business" would help get me through this like it has my bankruptcy. It wasn't like I was actually filing for divorce today or sitting down with a lawyer. I was just getting the paperwork needed to think about filing for divorce.
When the lady started talking about who was eligible to serve C with the papers and what procedures they needed to follow, I almost lost it. I had to look down real fast and blink real hard to keep the tears from flowing. Everything became so real and so final. And it's all happening RIGHT NOW. How did I get here??
All the thoughts about the divorce have lead me to start thinking about a time when C and I were dating. I had decided to break up with him because things felt off. I didn't like how he was so dependent on me and I didn't like the fact that he didn't get along with my best friend and had made it clear he wouldn't even try to patch up their mutual dislike for each other. I drove to his apartment when I knew he would be working (typical me. Totally passive-aggressive.). I left him a note that just said "Sorry". And I headed back home. I was shaking both from relief, from sadness, and more than a little from fear that he would flip out and climb in my window at night and kill me. In fact I called Ruth Anne on that trip home and voiced my fears to her. She basically told me to drive away as fast as I could and not to look back.
It's funny how the human brain will overlook those glaring moments of clarity to see the facade of a fairytale that they prefer. But not funny in a ha-ha way. More of a "what the heck is wrong with me, look at all the trouble it's caused" kind of way.
As you have probably figured out, I eventually got lonely/second guessed my decision and got back together with him. At that point the blinders were on and the "fairytale" was in full swing. I was determined that this would work. I don't know if it was my biological clock ticking that subconsciously screamed I was running out of time and I needed to find me a husband NOW, but whatever it was, I listened and obeyed. I threw away my better sense. That first instinct that told me that C was not a good candidate. If nothing else, I have learned the value of that first thought that comes before the larger part of you tries to reason it away. But at a terrible cost.
So now here I am trying to wade through pages of legal mumbo jumbo not knowing how much I should be asking for child support or how he is going to react when he sees I am requesting full custody. There are so many decisions to be made and many of them will affect Savannah and I for at least the next 18 years. These are BIG decisions! And what is my life raft in this sea of uncertainty? It's this...
God is completely aware of my stupidity and ignorance and lack of wisdom. He has compared me to a sheep. A sheep is an animal whose brain is there to remind it to eat, drink, and poop. The rest of the brain is basically ornamental. It is a helpless creature, especially when it is out in the wild. It needs guidance. It needs a Sheppard to let it know when the water is safe to drink and where it is safe to graze. It needs a Sheppard keeping watch, warding off any dangerous predators. The sheep isn't fearful. It has complete trust in the competence of the Sheppard.
And I am that sheep. In my own ignorance, I might think that I know something. I might think that I have things under control and that I am smarter than the other sheep and won't succumb to bad circumstances. All it takes is a whiff of danger and I am reminded of what my role actually is. I am not the leader, I am not in charge. That responsibility is not mine to bear. I have a Sheppard who is actively looking out for my very best. He sees what I am going through and he knows where to take me so I find the most nutritious grass and the clearest water. What do I need to do? Just humble myself and put my faith in him and open myself to his word. What a relief! I don't have to stress about all the money I could be saving if I had stayed in the house...the money is God's and he has limitless amounts. He has given me some to tend to and I need to hold it in an open hand so that it is free to flow where he wishes. (that's from Dave Ramsey:). I don't need to stress about the paperwork...the paperwork will get done. He will provide people to help me when I have questions. In fact, he has provided me with those people already through my friend Debbie. I have access to an outstanding law firm that I can call and pick their brains for an incredibly tiny amount of money each month. God provided. In each and every situation and problem, God has provided. Without fail.
Tomorrow Savannah and I leave for Arizona with my mom. We will be meeting Ruth Anne there. We are going to visit with my grandparents and my aunt who hasn't ever seen Savannah. We will also be visiting a very special doctor who specializes in looking at your live blood under a microscope and from that is able to tell where any imbalances are in your body. I am so excited to see what comes out of the visit. The rest of my family has gotten so much help from him and I am glad it's my turn now.
I don't know too many details about him yet, but I will soon find out and report back!
I just want to end this with another big thanks for the people who have taken time to read and respond to my new blog project. It means so so much to me. If you blog and would like to share it with me, please just leave the address in in the comments section. I'll be your follower if you'll be mine;)
I hope you are all doing well and I'll be thinking of you as I enjoy the sunny 75 degree weather in Arizona!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Me vs. Melancholy
They are out to get me. The winds of loneliness, depression, and hopelessness are blowing around my little apartment and making their way in through the cracks under the door and around the windows. They bring a chill not only to my bones, but to the very depths of my soul. The world suddenly seems bleak and devoid of any feelings of joy. I am an island in a sea of people who have better things to do.
It all took me by surprise the day after Thanksgiving. I came home after a long, tiring, but fun day at my mom's. I tucked myself into bed wondering if maybe I could pinch a few bucks from my car savings account to get in on some of the deals from Black Friday.
The next morning when I woke up I realized something had changed. The day before I had been surrounded by family. But suddenly if felt as if I was completely alone in the world. No one understood the things I was going through. No one could possible understand how I felt. The house was a mess, the food I had made for Thanksgiving didn't turn out how I wanted it, I was missing out on all the good deals, and I was alone in my misery. I turned on Susan Boyle's CD, The Gift and forced myself to start doing the dishes. Somewhere in the middle this song came on:
http://youtu.be/O-bDyqEaZrI
and I lost it. I didn't even know what the words were, but the music was sad and sweet and it killed me. I started sobbing, trying to keep my back to Savannah so she couldn't see how sad I was. After a nice good cry I felt much better, but it really made me realize that I need to be aware of certain feelings that are apt to come up during this holiday season.
There is so much expectation and anticipation leading up to each big day and that pretty much only leaves room for a letdown afterward. It is so easy to feel entitled to some solid self pity. But that only leads to the death spiral downward into more and more depression.
So in order to fight back against these mighty foes, I have decided to think on good things. (Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things Phil 4:8)
I figure there are other people out there experiencing the same things, so I am going to list some things that make me happy and bring me joy. Here we go...
1. This girl and her funny little personality makes me happy. And her attraction to pie that may or may not remind me just a little of myself.
2. This girl helping me
6. Sweet and salty joined in a holy union makes me happy.
7. Knowing the commoners are tucked away in their cozy houses below my palace walls...oh wait...I might be departing from reality briefly...oops.
It all took me by surprise the day after Thanksgiving. I came home after a long, tiring, but fun day at my mom's. I tucked myself into bed wondering if maybe I could pinch a few bucks from my car savings account to get in on some of the deals from Black Friday.
The next morning when I woke up I realized something had changed. The day before I had been surrounded by family. But suddenly if felt as if I was completely alone in the world. No one understood the things I was going through. No one could possible understand how I felt. The house was a mess, the food I had made for Thanksgiving didn't turn out how I wanted it, I was missing out on all the good deals, and I was alone in my misery. I turned on Susan Boyle's CD, The Gift and forced myself to start doing the dishes. Somewhere in the middle this song came on:
http://youtu.be/O-bDyqEaZrI
and I lost it. I didn't even know what the words were, but the music was sad and sweet and it killed me. I started sobbing, trying to keep my back to Savannah so she couldn't see how sad I was. After a nice good cry I felt much better, but it really made me realize that I need to be aware of certain feelings that are apt to come up during this holiday season.
There is so much expectation and anticipation leading up to each big day and that pretty much only leaves room for a letdown afterward. It is so easy to feel entitled to some solid self pity. But that only leads to the death spiral downward into more and more depression.
So in order to fight back against these mighty foes, I have decided to think on good things. (Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things Phil 4:8)
I figure there are other people out there experiencing the same things, so I am going to list some things that make me happy and bring me joy. Here we go...
 |
 |
make this... |
 |
makes me happy. |
 |
3. Knowing I've gotten the perfect present, if not the perfect hiding place for it, makes me happy.   |
4. Family and food combined DEFINITELY make me happy.
5. My brother's ability to fall asleep anywhere at anytime makes me smile.
 |
| 8. All these kiddos make me happy |
 |
| So does this little cuddle-bug. She makes me want to squeeze her like a little teddy bear. That's not weird, is it? 9. High thread count sheets, peppermint mochas from Starbucks, cozy days in bed with the rain falling outside the window, the vibrant colors on the trees in the fall, decorating the Christmas tree, a really good song on the radio, Savannah dancing and swaying to said song on radio, ALL make. me. happy. There is a good possibility that there will be more posts like this in the coming weeks and months. Each time Miss Melancholy tries to invite herself in, I will beat her off with things that make me happy. And you, my lucky readers, will get to be there every step of the way. There is so much to be happy about and it's just feelings that get in the way and blind me to all the good stuff. I just realized my list has 9 items on it. That's just silly. I can't have a 9 item list! We must make it 10! 10. Getting comments on my blog makes me sooo happy! There. As it is written, so let it be done. |
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Slow Down
.
Lately it's been hitting me how often I rush through my day, not noticing the moment I'm in, just trying to hurry through to the next thing on my list. What a sad way to live! I will be going along, like normal and then suddenly realize I am not taking full breaths, just doing shallow, rapid breathing. My neck is tight, my teeth are clenched, and I'm slouching. Not a pretty picture at all. No wonder the joy is being drained from my life.
It's so easy to get off work, throw Savannah in the car, fight traffic to get home, switch on the TV and try to sit and veg out while Savannah is crying/whining for me to read to her. I start to feel like she is a nuisance. Um, hello?!? What is WRONG with this picture? What exactly ARE my priorities?
I realized I need to be way more aware of each individual moment. There are so many things to enjoy and I have been completely looking over them in my mad rush to nowhere.
I have a beautiful little girl who is only going to be this small for a short time. I don't want her to grow up and have memories of a mom who was just in the background shushing her as she tried to play. I don't want her to feel "in the way". Ever. Not to mention the fact that when I really look at her and engage with her it brings me so much happiness! I have never once regretted taking the time to play with her.
Tonight when C dropped off Savannah at work I realized it has been a really long time since I have shown Alex that I am interested in her. I felt so ashamed. She was standing there beside Chris with a sad sad look on her face. She wouldn't say what was wrong, but I realized that what she sees every evening is that I light up when I see Savannah. I give her kisses and hugs and smell her perfect little baby head. What do I do for Alex? Maybe a quick squeeze and a hurried "I love you". That little girl needs me. She needs a woman in her life who is genuinely interested in her and who cares for her. It is so easy to take 5 minutes out of my unnecessary hurry to talk to her and let her know she is special. I feel terrible that I have let this area lapse in my life.
I have been so caught up in my own drama and my own pain and didn't even acknowledge that she is going through some really tough stuff too. Most of the time she seems to be fine outwardly, but I haven't taken the time to have a heartfelt girl chat with her. I know before too long she will be a teenager and the time of grace for building a close relationship will be gone.
I am making a vow to myself to make Alex a priority. She is such a good girl and I need to let her know that.
A couple ladies at work today were sharing things they did to stay close to their children when they were growing up.
One idea I particularly liked was a lady who had a high energy son that didn't like being cooped up in the house during the many rainy Oregon days. When he was young they started the tradition of going on Rain Walks.
They bought rain gear and during their walks he could jump and splash around as much as he wanted.
She said that grew to become a time where they bonded and could have sincere talks with each other. In fact, recently when he came home on a break from college he suggested they go on a Rain Walk. That small thing that she started when he was little meant so much to him and was able to bring so much blessing in their relationship. I love that idea.
I am so grateful that both my girls are still young enough that I can start fresh and be the best mom I can be. Nothing is written in stone yet. They both still have soft hearts that can be planted with the seeds of God's word, not only through Bible stories and Sunday school, but through the example they see in me.
I have had some bumps in the road, but the truth is, my life is good right now. God has taken care of me. He has given me everything I need. I have a roof over my head, more than enough food to eat, 2 healthy girls, and tons of supportive friends. He has given me a pastor that is in tune with God and is able to encourage me every single Sunday in a way that I can apply to my life. I have a good paying job and work with a group of women who have supported me in every stage of my life. What on earth do I have to complain about? The human brain can so easily turn to discouragement and self pity. But when I slow down and think about what my life consists of, I can see that I have SO much to be thankful for. I thank God that he is so forgiving. He must think I am crazy sometimes when I nitpick the small annoyances in my life and completely overlook all the mercy he has given me and the way he has watched over me as a sheppard.
I am so thankful for the patience God has shown me as I stumble along like a baby learning to walk. I am slow, sometimes I fall or go in the wrong direction completely, but he is able to see the potential in me. He is able to see that given time and proper nourishment I can become a strong individual, rooted and grounded in him.
Now can't I find it in myself to show that same patience to those around me? And what's more, can't I find it in myself to show MYSELF that same patience? To not become discouraged and depressed by my lack of perfection?
During the holidays it is so common for people to get caught up in all the to-do lists and trying to get everything done at once. I strongly encourage you to take the time each day, even just 5 minutes in the car (you are going to be stuck in traffic anyway, why not make use of the time?) and take 3 deep, cleansing breaths, step back from your life and look at all God has given you. Look at each child as the gift they are. Look at the people in your life who encourage and support you. Look at the work God has started in you and has promised to finish. The hard times will pass, but the faith, hope, peace, and joy we gain in them will anoint our lives and the lives of those around us.
I am going to share a song that has been incredibly encouraging for me during the good and the hard times the past few months. Read the lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du0il6d-DAk
2 days to Thanksgiving!
Start practicing giving thanks:)
Start practicing giving thanks:)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Precursor to Thanksgiving
It's a mere 5 days away. The holiday that trumps all others excluding Christmas and, depending on the year, birthdays. When families draw together and enjoy good food, love, laughter, and then more good food followed by dessert.
I feel so grateful to have my family all living near each other (except for Ruth Anne and Josh, but they will remedy that December 10th). The last few years I feel like I am getting to know each of my brothers and sisters a little better.
I have always been close with my older sister, Ruth Anne. We are separated by a mere 1 1/2 years which allowed us to be friends as well as sisters growing up. Although we didn't always get along (she was quite the feisty one and used to bully me even though I was 4 inches taller than her. Picture her chasing me down the block like a chihuahua running after a saint bernard. Just call me the gentle giant.) we always had each other to talk to, hang out with, and lean on. There is a 6 year gap between me and my next sister, Heather, and a 7 year gap to my brother Daniel and a 9 year gap between my sister Sarah and I. Then there is Melissa, who is 17 years younger than me and Christopher who is 20 years younger. That blows my mind just thinking about it.
My sister Sarah had a baby (Lilly) 6 months after I had Savannah. That has given us a perfect window for bonding and becoming friends. And I LOVE that Savannah and Lilly will grow up close to each other. That's them in the picture. The older they get, the less and less difference 6 months makes. I love that Savannah has Lilly around because there is a pretty good chance she isn't going to have any more siblings any time soon. Which saddens me SO much. I loved being pregnant and giving birth and experiencing all the wonder and joy and incredible feelings that go with it. I really really hope I get to do it at least one more time. But that's a whole other topic. My sister Heather had a girl, Melanie, about 9 months after I had Savannah. Although they live in Washington now, she comes down fairly often and I am excited to have another playmate for Savannah. Once Melanie is old enough to defend herself that is. That's Melanie down below. She's 7 months older now. But she's still bald. She and Savannah have bonded over it. Luscious-locks Lilly sometimes feels left out.
Yes folks, that was my work area. I am sadly lacking in counter space. You will see the mixing bowl on the chair and that tiny corner was the only spot I had to knead the dough. Yeah, yeah I suppose I COULD have cleared the purse, bag, flour, and jacket off but it's more cozy this way, right? One downside is I evidently didn't wipe off a big enough area and when I was eating my scone and felt something very non-scone-like in my mouth. I spit it out to discover one of those little plastic dealies they use to hold price tags on clothes. (Probably from that scrub shirt draped over the chair) Oopsie. It was clear so I didn't see it on the black tabletop. My bad.
I feel so grateful to have my family all living near each other (except for Ruth Anne and Josh, but they will remedy that December 10th). The last few years I feel like I am getting to know each of my brothers and sisters a little better.
I have always been close with my older sister, Ruth Anne. We are separated by a mere 1 1/2 years which allowed us to be friends as well as sisters growing up. Although we didn't always get along (she was quite the feisty one and used to bully me even though I was 4 inches taller than her. Picture her chasing me down the block like a chihuahua running after a saint bernard. Just call me the gentle giant.) we always had each other to talk to, hang out with, and lean on. There is a 6 year gap between me and my next sister, Heather, and a 7 year gap to my brother Daniel and a 9 year gap between my sister Sarah and I. Then there is Melissa, who is 17 years younger than me and Christopher who is 20 years younger. That blows my mind just thinking about it.
Anyways, growing up the three younger kids always felt so much younger to me. I didn't really have a friendship with them, more I just felt that they were babies to tend to. I enjoyed telling them stories and keeping them entertained but when I left for the military at age 18 they were still young enough that they hadn't yet developed their adult personalities. Melissa was just a baby and Christopher wasn't even born yet.
Since getting out of the military 6 years ago I have slowly but surely begun to know them as the adults they are. It feels so strange because they are family, close family, but I still felt like I didn't really know them at all. In the 6 years I was gone they had all changed drastically from kids to grownups. (Not to be mistaken for them ACTING like grownups. That has yet to happen:)
My sister Sarah had a baby (Lilly) 6 months after I had Savannah. That has given us a perfect window for bonding and becoming friends. And I LOVE that Savannah and Lilly will grow up close to each other. That's them in the picture. The older they get, the less and less difference 6 months makes. I love that Savannah has Lilly around because there is a pretty good chance she isn't going to have any more siblings any time soon. Which saddens me SO much. I loved being pregnant and giving birth and experiencing all the wonder and joy and incredible feelings that go with it. I really really hope I get to do it at least one more time. But that's a whole other topic. My sister Heather had a girl, Melanie, about 9 months after I had Savannah. Although they live in Washington now, she comes down fairly often and I am excited to have another playmate for Savannah. Once Melanie is old enough to defend herself that is. That's Melanie down below. She's 7 months older now. But she's still bald. She and Savannah have bonded over it. Luscious-locks Lilly sometimes feels left out.
I guess what I am getting at is that I am so thankful for my family. We haven't always had the smoothest road, but my mom made the absolute best out of each situation and raised us in a godly home and taught us to love each other so that even as we grow older we stick together. I think about the difference my family has made in this time I am going through now. I can't even imagine the stark loneliness I would be going through if I didn't have Heather, Daniel and Sarah (and soon Ruth Anne) dropping in to visit. And not just because it forces me to shower and clean up the house before they come.
Even though Ruth Anne lives further away right now, she cheers me up daily with the funny things she writes about in her blogs and the way she joins in with me when I rail against the injustices of the day. Granted some are just perceived injustices, but the support is there nonetheless. I am giddy at the thought that she will soon be just across town and we can start our weekly coffee dates. (yes mom, you are still invited;) And the baking. Boy-howdy will there be baking!!! That's one thing you can count on with Ruth Anne. As soon as the weather cools her oven starts heating up. Until this year I hadn't really experimented a whole lot. With Savannah going to bed around 7 each night and me not having cable I have started branching out a little more than the occasional batch of chocolate chip cookies. I decided I would bake an apple and a lemon pie to bring to Thanksgiving dinner. And not wanting it to be a flop I decided to do a test run. I tried the Apple-Cranberry pie first. I got the recipe for both pies and the crust from the November issue of Better Homes and Gardens.Here's how the Apple turned out...
Pretty little thing, isn't she? The crust was golden and on the heartier side. I think it would be divine with a scoop of vanilla ice cream...mmmmm
There were a few scattered cranberries mixed in with the apples to give a little burst of tartness. My brother Daniel approved. That means a lot to me. There were a lot of juices when I cut the first slice, but it thickened up a bit after sitting a little while.
This was the first piece that I cut. And devoured. I gotta say, I was pretty proud of myself on this one. I will definitely be making it again for Thanksgiving. Debating on whether to buy the crust or not. Nah, I think I'll do it from scratch again. Yum.
And next on the docket we have the Lemon pie.
Lemon Meringue is my favorite kind of pie. This one wasn't a meringue, but I thought the lemon flavor would make it my favorite out of the two. I just realized I didn't take pictures of the finished pie, but luckily I still have some left. Which is a pretty good indicator this pie won't be repeated in my kitchen.
And NO I don't have rats. It looks like that from eating it straight out of the pan with a fork. It's not my favorite but it's still pie, okay? Don't judge me. Anyways, it had a really thick, custardy texture which I liked. I think I overworked the dough and it came out a bit tough. Also it didn't have the zing of lemon flavor I love in a lemon meringue. An okay pie, but not worth repeating. I am open to try any favorite lemon recipes out there, so send them my way!
Today I decided to try my hand at some scones. I arrived at this choice because I had everything in my cupboards needed to make them. I didn't have any oil so that threw out the pumpkin bread recipe I was wanting to try. Scones it was. It was a pretty basic recipe and I threw in chocolate chips for some added pizazz. Truthfully I have never been a huge scone fan. They always seemed kind of like stale biscuits to me. But I really outdid myself this time:) Although I had a few mishaps along the way...
Don't worry. No scones were harmed in the blaze.
I was able to pop in these lovelies
And out came these!
So buttery and flaky and warm with just the right amount of chocolate gooey-ness in each bite. Definitely best served warm. I declare them a success. Making me 2 for 3. Not bad.
Now do you want to see the behind the scenes footage from the scones session? I know you do.
First we have the original shot of the scones ready to be put in the oven.
How cute! A little Christmas village nestled peacefully behind. Or is it...pan out...
And pan out further...
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our first installment of Liz's Lovelies. (Not sure why but the word lovelies keeps rolling off my tongue today. I'm gonna go with it. I hope you enjoyed looking at food as much as I did. I am sorry if I ruined your appetites by giving you a sordid look at life behind the camera. And speaking of lovelies, look what's under my tree!
Thanks mom for the wrapping job! Hurray for successful shopping trips!
As Thanksgiving draws nearer, I urge you to pause and reflect on the family you have in your lives. Family is not always defined by blood relations. Family is those you turn to in times of crisis and those you are able to laugh with when times are good. I hope you are blessed as richly as I have been.
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