This is a follow up to my previous post.
The second thing I got from the conference is that when Bratlie (I think it was) had chosen Kare out as a leader and prayed over him Kare felt nothing. He even emphasized this several times. He. Felt. Nothing. I felt such a sense of relief to hear that! You see him so full of joy and life and assume that's how it's always been for him. But feelings are fickle and can't be relied on. Jesus and Kare have had days when they felt down, or irritated, or sorry for themselves. And they persevered and now have life to show for it. Thank you, Jesus that there is a way that leads to endless joy!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
A new way of life
I have had a flash of insight I would like to share. Lately I have been focusing on how HARD life is for me. It's so HARD being a single mother. It's so HARD having such an erratic, irresponsible ex. It's so HARD to be so fat and depressed. These thoughts surrounded me like a weighted net and began to drag me down. I literally felt like my head was below water and I was drowning. (yes, I realize I didn't LITERALLY think I was drowning, I just want to portray the depth of my emotions. Just go with it.)
Without realizing it, I had made EVERYTHING about ME. I was in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to get others to feel sorry for me as well.
And then I went to the conference this weekend and God gave me a few nuggets of gold. This doesn't always happen as it is very easy for me to get distracted during the meetings. Sometimes I have to talk to other people afterward and listen to what they got and then use that. Anyways, this time there was grace and I got some good stuff:)
The first was during a movie that was shown of older people saying how they would live their youth time if they had it to do again. What I heard was they would give more. They would give away as much of their money as they could. They would give as much of their time and work as hard as they could. They would not be so worried about satisfying their material needs and would instead pour themselves into God's word and articles. They would pray all the time. They would testify at every meeting. They would give EVERYTHING for God's kingdom. They would cut worldly friendships. They would pour themselves out as a sacrifice. It was said that issues people can deal with for 10, 15, 20 YEARS can be finished SO much faster if they are zealous and wholehearted. You might even be driven to do things that look foolish for a time, but eventually the zeal and new, pure life will become your new nature. Looking at that way of living, I can't imagine EVER regretting what "could have been" or wishing you had done things differently. It gave me so much more of a seriousness. This is REAL! It is my choice how I will live and how much of God's grace I will pull over myself. I choose life. I won't regret nights where I didn't get quite as much sleep as I would have liked. I won't regret fewer nights spent alone "relaxing". I won't regret being generous and blessing others with the blessings I have been given. Those things have been given to me by God as my talents. Do I bury them and present them back to Him the same? Or do I take them and plant them where God directs so they can grow and multiply?
This life is superficial and temporary, but the work that is taking place is ETERNAL.
I have spent the last week basically sitting around hoping for a husband to make my load easier. As if God didn't know what he was doing when he allowed my life to come to this place.
The second nugget of gold has slipped from my mind. I had it when I first started writing and now I am wracking my brains, but drawing a blank. So it will have to wait for another day.
For those of you who were at the conference, please leave a comment below on one thing you took away from it.
May you be strengthened for the week ahead!
Without realizing it, I had made EVERYTHING about ME. I was in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to get others to feel sorry for me as well.
And then I went to the conference this weekend and God gave me a few nuggets of gold. This doesn't always happen as it is very easy for me to get distracted during the meetings. Sometimes I have to talk to other people afterward and listen to what they got and then use that. Anyways, this time there was grace and I got some good stuff:)
The first was during a movie that was shown of older people saying how they would live their youth time if they had it to do again. What I heard was they would give more. They would give away as much of their money as they could. They would give as much of their time and work as hard as they could. They would not be so worried about satisfying their material needs and would instead pour themselves into God's word and articles. They would pray all the time. They would testify at every meeting. They would give EVERYTHING for God's kingdom. They would cut worldly friendships. They would pour themselves out as a sacrifice. It was said that issues people can deal with for 10, 15, 20 YEARS can be finished SO much faster if they are zealous and wholehearted. You might even be driven to do things that look foolish for a time, but eventually the zeal and new, pure life will become your new nature. Looking at that way of living, I can't imagine EVER regretting what "could have been" or wishing you had done things differently. It gave me so much more of a seriousness. This is REAL! It is my choice how I will live and how much of God's grace I will pull over myself. I choose life. I won't regret nights where I didn't get quite as much sleep as I would have liked. I won't regret fewer nights spent alone "relaxing". I won't regret being generous and blessing others with the blessings I have been given. Those things have been given to me by God as my talents. Do I bury them and present them back to Him the same? Or do I take them and plant them where God directs so they can grow and multiply?
This life is superficial and temporary, but the work that is taking place is ETERNAL.
I have spent the last week basically sitting around hoping for a husband to make my load easier. As if God didn't know what he was doing when he allowed my life to come to this place.
The second nugget of gold has slipped from my mind. I had it when I first started writing and now I am wracking my brains, but drawing a blank. So it will have to wait for another day.
For those of you who were at the conference, please leave a comment below on one thing you took away from it.
May you be strengthened for the week ahead!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Bullseye to the Heart
There are no words to describe the feeling in your heart when your daughter goes from happy to ecstatic after finding out she will no longer be living with you...potentially for the rest of her life. Yes, she asked if it was for the rest of her life. And then to top it off asked if he would be picking her up this weekend, please. It was all I could do to not break down during prayers tonight. After being short with Savannah all day, she is suddenly helping her and jumping right in bed with no arguing. It's like I just told her she would have Christmas every day for the rest of her life. Not even a flicker of a thought that she would miss me. It just took me so off guard that she would be SO excited to leave here. And now I have to work on not reacting unkindly to her.
I got a text from C today saying he would be taking her on June 12th, the last day of school. All day I have been battling back and forth on whether I should fight him, or just accept it. I have mixed feelings about having her versus not having her. If she is with me, I know she is in good care, surrounded by good influences. She is able to be with her sister and has a good schedule, gets plenty of sleep, and watches age appropriate movies. If she is with C she doesn't have a bed and either sleeps on the floor, on a recliner, or in bed between him and his new girlfriend (just found out THAT disturbing tidbit). She stays up late, watches graphic crime shows and plays violent video games. If it is inconvenient for him to take her to school, she stays home. She is guilt tripped into feeling responsible for his happiness. On the other hand, if she is living with C I won't have to see him every week or try to do damage control after he drops her off. He will have that much less impact on my life and I will be that much more distanced from him.
In the end all the back and forth doesn't matter. He has full rights over her, so it's up to him.
My role is to pray for her while she is down there. Who knows what will happen or what she'll go through when his relationship ends (which is just a matter of time).
If there comes a time when she decides she wants to be with me, I will welcome her like the prodigal son, with joy and celebration and NO bitterness or resentment. Because that will all be cleansed out during this time now.
The past few weeks this song has been an anthem in my head:
"God knows and plans all things,
What's best for you he brings,
For he knows just what's best for everyone
Drive sorrows far away,
Like Jesus let us say
"Oh Lord not mine own will but thine alone be done'"
I got a text from C today saying he would be taking her on June 12th, the last day of school. All day I have been battling back and forth on whether I should fight him, or just accept it. I have mixed feelings about having her versus not having her. If she is with me, I know she is in good care, surrounded by good influences. She is able to be with her sister and has a good schedule, gets plenty of sleep, and watches age appropriate movies. If she is with C she doesn't have a bed and either sleeps on the floor, on a recliner, or in bed between him and his new girlfriend (just found out THAT disturbing tidbit). She stays up late, watches graphic crime shows and plays violent video games. If it is inconvenient for him to take her to school, she stays home. She is guilt tripped into feeling responsible for his happiness. On the other hand, if she is living with C I won't have to see him every week or try to do damage control after he drops her off. He will have that much less impact on my life and I will be that much more distanced from him.
In the end all the back and forth doesn't matter. He has full rights over her, so it's up to him.
My role is to pray for her while she is down there. Who knows what will happen or what she'll go through when his relationship ends (which is just a matter of time).
If there comes a time when she decides she wants to be with me, I will welcome her like the prodigal son, with joy and celebration and NO bitterness or resentment. Because that will all be cleansed out during this time now.
The past few weeks this song has been an anthem in my head:
"God knows and plans all things,
What's best for you he brings,
For he knows just what's best for everyone
Drive sorrows far away,
Like Jesus let us say
"Oh Lord not mine own will but thine alone be done'"
Thursday, May 17, 2012
But Joy Comes in the Morning
Let me start off by saying the funk of Tuesday is subsiding. I have discovered something very interesting about myself over the past month and a half. On March 24th, I decided to do an experiment and eat raw vegan for 30 days. This means my diet consisted of fruits, veggies, and a small amount of nuts and fats. Nothing cooked, processed, or packaged. No coffee, sugar or grains. I figured it would help me lose a few pounds, maybe cleanse out any grossness in my colon and break me of the binging pattern I had been in. Because of the low calorie content of vegetables, the majority of the diet would be fruits. Fruit is the easiest food for your body to break down into energy. Animal meat and products (including dairy) are very acidic and very difficult for the body to break down. By sticking with simple foods, it would give my body a rest and allow it to focus on healing things from the inside out.
Day one ended with a pretty bad headache. Day two I woke up feeling pretty good. By day four I was blown away with how I felt. I was light, happy, JOYFUL, non-irritable, and glad to be alive. I continued eating this way while doing a little experimenting. I found that eating too much fat through avocados and nuts caused me to feel sluggish again. By putting in fresh fresh fresh foods, it caused me to feel fresh fresh fresh! At the end of the 30 days I was down 12.5 lbs (I think it would have been even more had I not been struggling against my avocado addiction towards the end), I was down 1 size and more energy than I've had in the last 5 years. I had visions of myself getting lean for the summer and turning into the young, energetic, JOYFUL mom my girls deserve. I believe that some of the things we chalk up to "the flesh" might actually be attributed to physiological needs. By being a good steward and taking care of my body, I was stronger and happier and more clear headed. This allowed me to be a much more affective warrior on the wall.
On day 30 I decided that while I had experience amazing benefits eating this way, I would try to adapt a modified diet. I would still eat lots of produce, but also allow myself treats along the way. The first bite of sugary cooked food led to a downward spiral. All the old out of control binging urges kicked in. I began to eat and eat and eat. And eat some more. Most days I would wake up determined to get my "raw" legs back under me. But the motivation I had starting my 30 day experiment wasn't there. As I ate more and more crap my depression returned in force. My energy disappeared. I became irritable and unpleasant to be around. All within a week of going back to cooked foods!
It became clear to me the focus needed to be not on how to lose weight, but on how to increase my quality of life. I began reading and reading and reading, knowing that the more I learned the easier it would be for me to stick to. I read 80/10/10 by Dr Doug Graham, and The Beauty Detox Solution by Kimberly Snyder. I watched many videos by raw foodists (durianrider, freelea, meghann elizabeth...)and was on the website 30bananasaday every day. I didn't want to become obsessed and consumed by my diet, but I knew this time period was critical to stop the spiral. And I think I have my mojo back:)
I have been eating closer and closer to 100% raw the last few days with today being the start of my complete 100%. When I see how DEEPLY it impacts my mental health it becomes so much more than a weight loss diet. I need to eat this way to be the person I am meant to be. To be strong so I can work on my salvation. To heal my body that has become so toxic and weighed down and lethargic and unhappy.
Eating this way feels me with hope for my future. It gives me the strength I need to get through the day and have energy to be with my girls. Already, after just being raw for a short time, the benefits are becoming evident. It works so quickly and I am so thankful to God for leading me to this way of eating that is best for me.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I don't know where I am going to go with this post. All I know is that my depression has gotten so bad I feel like I am walking around in a shell. If I crack and show any emotion it brings me to tears, literally. I have cried 4 or 5 times today alone. I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how to take care of my girls and I feel in over my head. My weight is ballooning up, my house is littered with laundry, dishes, papers...the bathroom is filthy, fruit flies are multiplying faster than I can kill them in the kitchen, and I feel useless to make things right. I was rear-ended on Easter and there was minor damage. My car insurance is telling me I will have to pay even though I was not the one in the wrong. They say they have never heard of the insurance company the other lady had. I was able to find it on Google in about 12 seconds. They say I MAY be reimbursed if they can track them down. I bought a groupon for yard service and they were supposed to come on Monday to do it. It still hasn't been done. I feel like every little thing is a chore and like the world is against me. Nothing seems to go smoothly. I am tired of having to follow up on everything and fight for every small thing. I have gift certificates for Create-a-Memory, a mani-pedi, and a bikini wax (ha). I have no sitter to make use of them. There is no one to lean on, no one to share the burden. A single word from C and Alex is on cloud 9, all past hurts forgotten. Then reality sets in and I have to weather the storm of her disappointment, confusion, and sadness. She doesn't want to be here with me. She wants to be with him. And I don't blame her. I am no fun to be around. I am moody and stressed and quick to jump on her about her homework, housework, etc. Savannah has been really emotional. Quick to cry (wonder where she gets that), quick to yell, quick to whine. She used to be so easy going and happy. I am sure this is a part of being 2, almost 3.
I am so overwhelmed by LIFE. I want a do-over. I want to run away. I want to forget my "responsibilities". Let someone else pick up the pieces. Even as I sit here I feel guilt for not having a good dinner on the table every night. And for not keeping a clean house. Savannah is eating chicken nuggets for dinner (again) and Alex made herself a sandwich. What kind of mom am I??? I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be a good mom and get everything done. I want to lock the doors of my house and not come out for a week (or ten).
I have guilt that I have worn out my welcome at my mom's from staying over and eating dinner when I was supposed to just pick Alex up. I have guilt for not paying her for watching Alex after school. I feel anger that all the financial burden always comes back to me.
I know these are probably all things in my flesh that need to be put to death, but from the pit I'm sitting in I don't even know how to start. I feel like I can't even see the light at the top.
I am so consumed with guilt and self loathing and I am so TIRED.
And what is my coping mechanism for all this? To eat. To shovel as much in my mouth as I can, as fast as I can. It doesn't matter what it is, if it's not nailed down, it goes down my throat. And the pit grows deeper.
So on that super fun note, I am going to sign off. I will be back the instant things get better to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as I see it.
I feel I need to add an addendum to this. I know I will get an indignant response from my sister, Ruth Anne saying I can call her anytime to babysit. And the answer is NO. With your back and pelvis problems, added to your impending delivery and current load of children, NO.
I am so overwhelmed by LIFE. I want a do-over. I want to run away. I want to forget my "responsibilities". Let someone else pick up the pieces. Even as I sit here I feel guilt for not having a good dinner on the table every night. And for not keeping a clean house. Savannah is eating chicken nuggets for dinner (again) and Alex made herself a sandwich. What kind of mom am I??? I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be a good mom and get everything done. I want to lock the doors of my house and not come out for a week (or ten).
I have guilt that I have worn out my welcome at my mom's from staying over and eating dinner when I was supposed to just pick Alex up. I have guilt for not paying her for watching Alex after school. I feel anger that all the financial burden always comes back to me.
I know these are probably all things in my flesh that need to be put to death, but from the pit I'm sitting in I don't even know how to start. I feel like I can't even see the light at the top.
I am so consumed with guilt and self loathing and I am so TIRED.
And what is my coping mechanism for all this? To eat. To shovel as much in my mouth as I can, as fast as I can. It doesn't matter what it is, if it's not nailed down, it goes down my throat. And the pit grows deeper.
So on that super fun note, I am going to sign off. I will be back the instant things get better to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as I see it.
I feel I need to add an addendum to this. I know I will get an indignant response from my sister, Ruth Anne saying I can call her anytime to babysit. And the answer is NO. With your back and pelvis problems, added to your impending delivery and current load of children, NO.
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