So this is what Crazy feels like

Last night and all of today have been a blur of one meltdown after another.  I'm not sure what exactly is going on, or why it's happening right now.  I believe some of it can be chalked up to the fact that little Miss Savannah decided not to sleep last night.  Let me correct myself, she decided to sleep from 7:00 until around 1:30.  And then she started to cry.  I figured she would settle down so I didn't get up to get her immediately.  A half hour later I decided to bring her into bed with me.  I had secretly been feeling lonely and wanted to cuddle with her anyway.  There was no cuddling involved.  Just a lot more crying.  I gave her some teething tablets and a dose of Children's Tylenol (which she valiantly fought taking).  They didn't seem to do a lick of good.  I kept all the lights off in the apartment and walked around with her thinking that would lull her back to sleep.  She was fine until I stopped walking or tried to sit.  I finally gave up the idea of sleeping in my bed and took her to the couch thinking maybe she was congested and would sleep better if we were propped up on the couch a little.  She took this as an indicator that it was time to get up and play.  And she did.  She played in the dark of the living room for about 2 1/2 hours.  While I watched the minutes tick away on the clock.  Around 5:00 I decided enough was enough and offered her food (nope) and water (nope) and changed her diaper.  Knowing any pressing needs had been met, I stuck her in bed and let her cry it out.  And she did.  For about 1 1/2 hours.  During which time I felt my grasp on sanity slip further and further away.  But knowing that she would be so exhausted, we would both be able to sleep in.  The child woke up at 7:15.  Wide awake.  No chance of going back to sleep awake.  I dragged myself out of bed and out to the living room to try to snooze a little while she played.  Not very effective because she decided she wanted me to read books to her.  Hard, heavy cardboard books that she thrust at my groggy head.  Books that knocked any semblance of sane right out the door.  I bided my time until an acceptable nap hour and then back into bed she went for some more crying.  At this point I joined her in the tear-fest. 
After so little sleep my whole world seemed to cave in around me.  I took one look in the mirror at my swollen, pasty body, my greasy hair, and the vacant look in my eyes and called it a day. 
The house was overwhelmingly messy, the toilet had been clogged for about a week and no amount of plunging would clear it, a migraine had set in that threatened to implode my head completely, people were calling to collect money (which I had hoped the BANKRUPTCY would take care of) and I was done.
Thank God for sisters.  I don't know if their spidey senses were tingling, but right when I had one foot hanging off the cliff and the other about to join it, I got a text from Sarah and another from Ruth Anne asking how I was doing.  And I told them without holding back.  And they totally stepped up to the plate for me.  Sarah volunteered (and then ignored me when I protested) to come right over, take Savannah off my hands AND clean up the apartment.  Ruth Anne basically volunteered the same thing for Sunday (the day after moving back from another state. With 3 kids.) and added she would help decorate for Alex's birthday party that afternoon.
I don't know what I would have done without these girls. 
I would like to state now that I am NOT suicidal, but today brought me close enough that I can understand where suicidal people are coming from.  After finally forcing myself to get up and dressed and get out of the apartment, I was told by not one, but two people that I looked like crap/hell.  Um thanks.  Did it ever enter their mind that if I looked so bad I probably FELT pretty bad and didn't need an extra kick while I was down??  Each insult sent me into a fresh batch of sobbing. 
Tonight C has Savannah which I am so thankful for. 
I feel like I am going through a detox/withdrawal right now.  I am hoping this is a good and normal thing after visiting Dr. Ray.  Most of all I am hoping it is temporary and not indicative of things to come. 
As I was sitting in my car on the way home from dropping off Savannah, with rivers of tears coursing down my puffy face and sobs wracking my body a thought suddenly popped into some still coherent area of my mind.  It was this..."This is a time that could really be used to strengthen my faith."  Everything felt completely hopeless.  The kind of hopeless where it seems like the world around you doesn't exist and strange thoughts start to enter your mind.  For example I drove by a park where they were handing out free meals to the homeless.  And I contemplated what it would be like to just give my car away to one of the homeless (not that it would do them a whole lot of good seeing as the gas light had been blinking at me for several miles) and to just walk away from everything.  To leave behind all my possessions  and walk away. And if I don't have food and starve to death, so what?  And if it's cold and I have to sleep outside, no big deal.  I obviously didn't choose that path since I am typing away on a laptop that would not have been part of my "walking" gear. 
Through the bleakness of the moment, a line from a song came to me "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will sing "Blessed be the Name of the Lord"'.  This is such a dark time for me.  And this is when I need my faith more than ever.  I am not alone or forsaken.  It sure feels like it, but those feelings aren't what is true. 
And when I was so low, he sent my sisters to lift me up and carry me.  And he sent C to take over the burden of the insomniac child for a night so I could try to restore balance to my brain.
And tomorrow I will have my lawyer earn his keep and send bankruptcy letters to the creditors who are still harassing me.  And tonight I will dope myself up and sleep.
Tomorrow I see The Duke.  May the Lord have mercy on his soul, he's going to earn his money on this session!