Thanks! (Not another Thanksgiving post)

I want to start by saying a heartfelt Thank You to everyone who commented on my last post.  It meant so much to me.  I have read and re-read each one and every time have had to wipe away tears.  Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  It provided so much support that I needed today because...
today I went to the courthouse to get the divorce packet.
The wave of emotion that hit me totally took me by surprise.  I thought the attitude of "don't think about it, just do what you have to do, take care of business" would help get me through this like it has my bankruptcy.  It wasn't like I was actually filing for divorce today or sitting down with a lawyer.  I was just getting the paperwork needed to think about filing for divorce. 
When the lady started talking about who was eligible to serve C with the papers and what procedures they needed to follow, I almost lost it.  I had to look down real fast and blink real hard to keep the tears from flowing.  Everything became so real and so final.  And it's all happening RIGHT NOW.  How did I get here??
All the thoughts about the divorce have lead me to start thinking about a time when C and I were dating.  I had decided to break up with him because things felt off.  I didn't like how he was so dependent on me and I didn't like the fact that he didn't get along with my best friend and had made it clear he wouldn't even try to patch up their mutual dislike for each other.  I drove to his apartment when I knew he would be working (typical me.  Totally passive-aggressive.).  I left him a note that just said "Sorry".  And I headed back home.  I was shaking both from relief, from sadness, and more than a little from fear that he would flip out and climb in my window at night and kill me.  In fact I called Ruth Anne on that trip home and voiced my fears to her.  She basically told me to drive away as fast as I could and not to look back.
 It's funny how the human brain will overlook those glaring moments of clarity to see the facade of a fairytale that they prefer.  But not funny in a ha-ha way.  More of a "what the heck is wrong with me, look at all the trouble it's caused" kind of way.
As you have probably figured out, I eventually got lonely/second guessed my decision and got back together with him.  At that point the blinders were on and the "fairytale" was in full swing.  I was determined that this would work.  I don't know if it was my biological clock ticking that subconsciously screamed I was running out of time and I needed to find me a husband NOW, but whatever it was, I listened and obeyed.  I threw away my better sense.  That first instinct that told me that C was not a good candidate.  If nothing else, I have learned the value of that first thought that comes before the larger part of you tries to reason it away.  But at a terrible cost. 
So now here I am trying to wade through pages of legal mumbo jumbo not knowing how much I should be asking for child support or how he is going to react when he sees I am requesting full custody.  There are so many decisions to be made and many of them will affect Savannah and I for at least the next 18 years.  These are BIG decisions!  And what is my life raft in this sea of uncertainty?  It's this...
God is completely aware of my stupidity and ignorance and lack of wisdom.  He has compared me to a sheep.  A sheep is an animal whose brain is there to remind it to eat, drink, and poop.  The rest of the brain is basically ornamental.  It is a helpless creature, especially when it is out in the wild.  It needs guidance.  It needs a Sheppard to let it know when the water is safe to drink and where it is safe to graze.  It needs a Sheppard keeping watch, warding off any dangerous predators.  The sheep isn't fearful.  It has complete trust in the competence of the Sheppard. 
And I am that sheep.  In my own ignorance, I might think that I know something.  I might think that I have things under control and that I am smarter than the other sheep and won't succumb to bad circumstances.  All it takes is a whiff of danger and I am reminded of what my role actually is.  I am not the leader, I am not in charge.  That responsibility is not mine to bear.  I have a Sheppard who is actively looking out for my very best.  He sees what I am going through and he knows where to take me so I find the most nutritious grass and the clearest water.  What do I need to do?  Just humble myself and put my faith in him and open myself to his word.  What a relief!  I don't have to stress about all the money I could be saving if I had stayed in the house...the money is God's and he has limitless amounts.  He has given me some to tend to and I need to hold it in an open hand so that it is free to flow where he wishes. (that's from Dave Ramsey:).  I don't need to stress about the paperwork...the paperwork will get done.  He will provide people to help me when I have questions.  In fact, he has provided me with those people already through my friend Debbie.  I have access to an outstanding law firm that I can call and pick their brains for an incredibly tiny amount of money each month.  God provided.  In each and every situation and problem, God has provided.  Without fail.
Tomorrow Savannah and I leave for Arizona with my mom.  We will be meeting Ruth Anne there.  We are going to visit with my grandparents and my aunt who hasn't ever seen Savannah.  We will also be visiting a very special doctor who specializes in looking at your live blood under a microscope and from that is able to tell where any imbalances are in your body.  I am so excited to see what comes out of the visit. The rest of my family has gotten so much help from him and I am glad it's my turn now. 
I don't know too many details about him yet, but I will soon find out and report back!
I just want to end this with another big thanks for the people who have taken time to read and respond to my new blog project.  It means so so much to me.  If you blog and would like to share it with me, please just leave the address in  in the comments section.  I'll be your follower if you'll be mine;)
I hope you are all doing well and I'll be thinking of you as I enjoy the sunny 75 degree weather in Arizona!