C's sister came over this weekend (sorry if you are hearing this for the second time) to help with Alex's party. We got to talking and she told me that C had instructed her NOT to talk about him to me. V and I both agreed this is how he gets away with so much. He doesn't allow open communication which means his deception is harder to reveal. In the course of our conversation I found out that between being with Alex's mother and being with me there was another woman. A woman with two young boys that he and Alex moved in with. A woman he has never mentioned to me even thought the relationship was serious enough that they were living together. And it had to have ended RIGHT before we met. Even just writing that makes me feel sick to my stomach.
He has so little respect for relationships. He has so little respect for Alex.
I am constantly being astounded by more and more deception. He told me when we met that he hadn't dated anyone seriously since Alex was born. (At that point the story he was telling was that her mom gave him full custody and washed her hands of everything when Alex was 2 weeks old. He painted a picture of a a single dad, struggling to raise his baby girl alone.) The truth is he has jumped from one relationship to the next with basically no time in between. And he has dragged Alex along behind him.
My first instinct is to confront him and berate him and try to make him understand that the things he has done are so wrong. But the fact is that I know it wont make a difference. He won't get it. I don't know what it is that make him so different from me, but he doesn't seem to have a conscience. He has never shown remorse for the deception, the theft, the embarrassment and stress he has caused me and our family.
So if confronting him isn't going to get him to change his ways, what would be the point? Would it be a release for me? I don't think it would. I think it would cause more frustration when no matter what I said, he wasn't able or willing to see the terrible wrongs he's committed.
I can't control him, so how do I control his power to hurt me? How do I cut him off emotionally while still dealing with him on a day to day basis? At what point will it not matter what comes into the light? When will I have moved on? When will I have put this relationship behind me?
How do I keep from getting flattened by his actions? I am in charge of how I react to situations, but I am unable to control the way those situations make me feel.
I feel so much hurt and disbelief and there is a very real, very physical knot that forms in my throat and in my gut when I think about these things. And on top of it all I now have fury that he has such little care for Alex that he would put himself on a pedestal above her. He has completely disregarded the little girl that is in his care and has instead done what was easiest for him. I haven't been able to feel angry about the things he has done to me, but I am starting to feel a fury about the things he has done to her. She has absolutely no say in things and is completely at his mercy. And the horrible thing is that so far there has been no mercy.
I don't know what to do. I have to remind myself that she was God's child long before Chris came into the picture. And I have to pray that I can be what she needs.
Right now I feel like a speck of dust. Small, insignificant, powerless, and worthless. Blown about by the winds of circumstance. I know it's not true, but it's how I feel.
And so I need hope. I need hope that things will get better. That there is control and order in the universe. I need hope that things will be ok and that the girls will turn out all right. I need hope that one day I will be happy and fulfilled and full of joy again. Because right now things feel pretty desolate.
So please, if you have something, a verse, a song, anything that brings you hope, please let me know because it might be the first rung I need to crawl out of this dark pit.
Thank you for reading and following along on this roller coaster of a life I have been living the past few months. I pray things will settle down soon.
"She did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief."
ReplyDeleteLiz, this verse has carried me through so many dark times when it seemed like I didn't know which was was up.
It's not actually a REAL verse, at least not written like that. There is more to it, and it is ALL really good, but that one line is so simple and something I can remember, something I have stood there in my times of trouble and repeated it over and over until it has become MY promise from God.
It was given to me straight from heaven when I found out I was pregnant with baby #6 just 3 months after I had given birth to baby #5.
I didn't want to have a baby so soon, I already HAD a baby! I really struggled to come to rest and faith with that pregnancy, and then...I miscarried at 11 weeks.
It was devastating, especially since I felt so guilty/bad for not wanting the baby in the first place!
But through it all, and through every pregnancy, postpartum, morning sickness, and every other hard time I've gone through, God has quickened my heart to remember that verse.
Romans 4:20-21 He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform."
It is talking about Abraham when God promised that He would give him descendents as many as there are stars, EVEN THOUGH his body and Sarah's, were so old.
I also think often about how God called him out from his land to go wherever God led him. He left EVERYTHING he knew and took only what belonged to him - his people, his property.
Then he was tested in his faith, and he did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief.
The promise of God to me, is that He will always take care of me and never ever ever give me more than I can bear, even though....yes, even though, it seems like I can't take one.more.minute. That He has made a way for me to be able to change, to become a better Mommy and not get impatient and yell at my kids, to be frugal with my money and not overspend when I'm feeling down. I know He will do what He has promised.
Thank you for sharing your heart, I just got caught up on alot of your posts. It has encouraged me to write this out too - to be reminded of my faith and get my head and feelings out of the day to day things we have to deal with. To lift my vision! And remember that we are only strangers and pilgrims here in this world, it is not our home.
I will be praying for you, Liz - I think of you often with a prayer in my heart. I'm so glad you have such a supportive family that are not afraid to step up and get things done. You are so blessed there!!! =)
Dear liz,
ReplyDeleteIt says..He gives power to the weak and to those who have no might He increases strength. Is. 40:29. I hope you have a super day today
Love, jen
Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
ReplyDeleteI Peter 5:7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
The verse in Peter opened up for me that BECAUSE I care about something/someone, and He cares about me--then He cares about what I care about. So because He has the ability to actually do what I can't, when I cast my care/burden on Him--I can do it with confidence that He will NOW begin to work in that area.
Have also been thinking about Abraham. He was 99 years old and didn't know that it the next year he would finally have his son. But he held fast (clung) to his faith that God would keep His promise and fulfill His word. And Abraham received his son. Because his strength was failing, Sarah's womb was as good as dead, etc, etc there wasn't much Abraham could do. But he COULD hold fast to God's word. So instead of looking at what he couldn't do, he remembered the promise, over and over until he received Isaac.
So bring all your cares to Him. And pray fervently until your supplication has been heard. Then allow the peace of God to rule in your heart and mind. I Peter 5:6-8. and Sing, sing, sing. :)
I'm praying for you. I really am. And I'm always here for you, whether you need someone to talk to, or a babysitter so you can have some alone time, or if you need baked goods.
ReplyDeleteThese are the verses Bjorn Nilsen gave me when he prayed for me: John 14:1-4 "Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions, if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know."
He just strongly encouraged me to BELIEVE. No matter what, to just hold onto that. I believe.
I love you lots and lots and lots.