Today at work as I saw a patient pop up on the work list screen (meaning they were in the lobby, ready for me to come get them to take their xrays) I realized how much of a whiner I have become. It's really quite disgusting. Here I am with a good paying, secure job and what am I thinking about?
THIS is what I'm thinking about...
I hope the patient isn't fat.
I bet their fat and that's why their knees, back, feet, etc. hurt.
Why the heck are they coming here? Don't they have better things to do?
I NEVER get to read my book at work!
WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!
It was like a splash of cold water. How did I get this far? How did I get to be so ungrateful when so many people are struggling and searching and desperate for a job? I was quite ashamed of myself.
And yesterday, when C dropped off Savannah, for the first time she started crying and reached for him when I picked her up. My baby didn't want her mama. It totally broke my heart. I started crying and couldn't stop even as I was buckling her in and she was fighting me. I felt so sorry for myself. Here I was, all alone and now even the child I birthed into the world was deserting me. And it IS a sad thing, the first time your kids break your heart. But how unfair of me to try to put her on a pedestal and treat her like she isn't human. She isn't perfect, she has a will and most of all she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She is a child, and deserves the right to have her own opinion. Thank God she is healthy, and confident, and has a fully functioning brain to know what she wants. And besides, I'm pretty sure C was giving her candy in the car and that's why she wanted him. At least that is what I'm telling myself for now...
I have no idea where this post is headed, but I felt like it was important I didn't let anymore time go by without checking in. I feel like I am in a swirling flood of water, twirling down the bathtub drain. And if I don't start actively acting out, I am going to get washed away in grief, sadness, self-pity, bitterness, spite, anger, depression, hopelessness...you name it. It's all there, ready to drown me. I have to take action to save my life. I won't be an empty shell of a person. The experiences in my life are there for a purpose.
At church last Sunday the pastor was comparing the Bible with a wild west book. There are villains in our lives, and trials and tribulations, and things can seem like they are slated against us, but if we skip ahead to the end of the book, we will see that in the end we win! The middle part is all ok because of the victorious ending. Everything else leads up to that.
It's a simplistic way to look at things, but why make things complicated?
For now I will leave you with a scene from the Library Dollhouse. I was looking at it last weekend and realized whoever sets it up must have quite a sense of humor. Here's my first example...
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. In this room we have Granny May. It looks like she did a little too much sampling when canning her award-winning Plum Preserves. UH OH! Looks like SOMEone is going to be in the bathroom awhile!
Light a candle, Granny!
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