Ramblings of a crazy woman

As I sat here, pondering what to write about, feeling pressure to be entertaining and funny and groundbreaking (oh the delusions of grandeur that meander through my head!), it hit me like a swatter on a fat, lazy housefly (oh yeah, I decided to start adding in little sayings that I may or may not have made up and that may or may not cause me to sound like the love child of Dr Phil and Paula Deen) the # 1 point of this blog is ME.  Ha ha.  How gloriously simple.  This blog is all about me!  I can write about whatever I want.  If I wanted to list the contents of my fridge in reverse alphabetical order, I could.  If I wanted to talk about all the exercises I didn't do today, more power to me!  The point is, although my therapist (The Duke) is working with me and helping me, there is a definite healing component to being able to take all the jumbled up, mish-mashed, potpourri of thoughts and feelings and emotions (are they the same thing?) and remove them from my poor overworked brain and lay them out neatly-and sometimes not so neatly- on the tablet that is this blog.  To be able to purge myself of the worry, and stress, and calculating and the pathetic attempts to "fix thing" with my own puny strength.  To unburden myself and give it all to God.  And maybe get a few laughs in at the same time.  I firmly believe God enjoys a good sense of humour.
But back to the subject I have been dealing with lately...
How does one go from being "totally committed, in love, bound for life, love you til you die, never look at another man" to being a "co-parent, can you drop off the kids, do you mind bringing her brown shoes back, is Alex spending the night Wednesday" relationship?  What are the new boundaries?
This has been and will probably continue to be a very interesting time.  I know my feelings on C.  They are that I still love him, and even like him most of the time.  I am missing the "hold a grudge" gene that enables me to remember past dangers and use them as a cautionary tale for future decisions.  C is a good guy most of the time.  Actually, the longer we are apart, the more I am seeing that maybe he wasn't a good guy most of the time.  After living in the peaceful womb of my apartment for the last month it has become jarringly clear that I had become desensitized to many things.  The yelling.  Oh how C can yell and send the whole household, including both dogs, scattering.  Just avoid eye contact, keep out of sight, don't do anything to upset the balance, try to keep him happy.  How ridiculous for the mood of the whole family to revolve around one member.  What a sad, unfriendly place for our girls to grow up.  And the yelling isn't confined to the home.  The slightest hint of another person challenging his authority or doing what he perceives is unfair to him and the world is shaken at its foundation.  No one will escape unscathed.  Everyone will know his displeasure.  And mama churchmouse is was there to pad the blast with excuses, to try to minimize the damage, and convince everyone it was all a joke.  Very funny, yes? 
It is with such relief I am able to take a deep breath and feel the freedom that comes from loosing the chains of responsibility that bound me to him.  Now he is just a bad tempered, spoiled young man who is not a reflection of me.  He is who he is.  May God give grace that he can see his selfishness and change so he can know happiness.  But the responsibility of changing him is not on my shoulders.  In fact it never was.  Imagine that!
It is with great pleasure and sighs of relief I bid adieu to that yelling monster.  It is the other side of the coin I am having difficulty knowing how to deal with. 
This is the man who knew I was sick and offered to keep Savannah until I felt better so I could get as much sleep as I needed.  This is the man who brought me homemade fried chicken, chocolate chip cookies and Gatorade to replenish my weakened body.  The man who sometimes looks like a lost little boy, begging for a hug.  Telling me how much he misses me.  The one who helped me move into my new apartment and made sure the washer and dryer were properly hooked up and that I had an adequately stocked tool box of my own. 
One person is never completely evil.  There is a very real side to C that is kind and thoughtful.  Is there an ulterior motive to the kind gestures?  The Duke seems to think so.  And he is who I have to trust at this time when my own spidey senses have failed me.  Is C always only looking out for himself?  I don't think so.  But what I do know is that the groundwork of our relationship has shifted.  It will never be what it was.  There is no "we" in our future.  I sincerely hope that we are able to maintain a positive friendship for the sake of our children.  The Duke's years of experience tell me there will come a time in the not so far off future when the reality that this is not a temporary separation with sink in with C and the claws will come out.  The time of wooing will be over and the anger and bitterness will be exposed.  I am not looking forward to that time, but knowing it is almost certainly coming allows me to build up my reserves.  To saturate myself with what is true and good.  And that is the word of God. 
I have so much pity and sympathy in me for C.  I feel so horrible that he is unhappy.  For some reason the fact that it is his own doing doesn't seem to affect my sadness for him.  I am a person who wants to nurture and mother. It is probably a huge part of what drew him to me.  But what it keeps coming back to is I am human.  I am not able to see the big picture or the best path for my life.  And so to ensure I don't continually allow myself to become the doormat to the downtrodden masses, I must humble myself and become a servant of GOD.  Not man.  God not only has a plan for me, he also has a plan for C.  I don't need to worry my little head about him.  He also has a shepherd who wants to lead him if he will listen.  I can heap showers of prayers on his head and over his life.  The rest is in the hands of the God of Love.
I have really taken the wandering path on this one.  I've had a feeling of discombobulation for the past week or two.  Things changed so rapidly and they are taking awhile to settle.  I am still coming to terms with the fact that my relationship is over.  And that I am a single mother.  I didn't think that one would bother me as much as it did.  After all, you see single mothers all over, in church, on commercials, in the grocery stores... I never thought I would join their ranks.  In fact, I took Savannah to play at the library in the children's room last week and noticed a young couple there with their small child.  I felt such burning shame and judgment (entirely in my head) that I actually took a ring off my right hand and surreptitiously slid it onto my all-important left ring finger.  I felt immediate relief.  It took me by complete surprise that I would feel that way.  Just another little nugget I learned about myself. I see nothing wrong with wearing a ring during this time if it causes one less stresser to be on my head. 
It is with anticipation I think about the things I have yet to discover about myself.  I pray that I will grow and become a tree of life.  That all this s@#% will be the fertilizer for my beautiful, beautiful tree.  Amen.