The Other Daughter

You may have heard me mention in passing my stepdaughter Alex.  I hesitate to call her stepdaughter because I feel that title diminishes the reality of our relationship.  I have been pretty much the only mom she has known since she was 4.  She is now an energetic, lanky, stunningly beautiful girl who will be turning 8 in about 3 weeks.  I feel it is time to give her her due.

Alex (short for Alexandria Nicole) is incredibly smart and so fun to have around.  Although I have struggled for some time trying to define our relationship, I feel like we are getting to a place where we are both comfortable and getting what we need.  She was 4 when I met her, had already developed her personality and was no longer a baby, and it didn't feel natural for me to swoop in and take charge like I had been her mother all along.  I didn't feel comfortable disciplining her and usually left that up to C.  I also, sadly, didn't feel right stepping in when I thought C was being too hard on her.  It's been a learning experience.  I didn't know any mothers who were in the same situation I was and I would have loved to find a support group with others who shared the same difficulties.  I felt a lot of guilt that I wasn't as bonded to her as I thought I was supposed to be. 
The Duke clued me in on something so simple, but so real it instantly released me from a lot of the guilt I had been carrying around.  What he said was this, "You did not know her as a baby, or even a toddler.  YOU DON'T HAVE THAT HISTORY TOGETHER.  It normally takes a blended family 4 years to feel like things are normal."
I realized I had set such high expectations on myself and had been trying to force our relationship to be something it couldn't be.
I also realized that when the guilt was taken away, I was able to enjoy what we did have. 
When I moved out of the house I struggled with the feeling that I was abandoning Alex.  And once again The Duke had to remind me "She has a mother.  You are her stepmother.  You do not have any legal rights over her.  Those are the facts."  He wasn't saying that I couldn't have a loving, supportive relationship with her.  He was once again removing the self-imposed guilt. 
Since moving out, the friendship between Alex and me has grown.  She is able to come over to my place and relax and be herself.  Because our time together is more limited, we are able to focus on really enjoying each other's company without worrying about the day to day mundane things.  She is such a sweet girl and each time she comes over she tells me no less than 5 times how much she looooves coming over to my house.  It makes me feel so good.

 She never fails to leave sweet messages on my white board.

I am so glad to have her in my life and so glad that Savannah has her as an older sister.   

Alex is a doting, caring, loving, role model and it's easy to see Savannah mimicking the example she has set.  They play together for hours and it's like the 6 year age gap means nothing. 

 I am so thankful they have each other. 

My relationship with my sister has been one of the most important in my life.  She is my best friend, my confidante, and my sounding board.  I hope that my girls will experience the same with each other.
I am excited to get to know Alex better as she gets older and wiser.  I am actively working on building our friendship so she feels she is able to come to me about anything.  I want her to feel acceptance and love and for her to know I think the world of her and she will always have a place in my home. 
She has been through so much in her short life and has weathered it with amazing resilience. 
I pray that God will show me how to be the person she needs me to be and how to set the best example for her through the way I live my life.

In the meantime, I thank Him for the bond he has created between these two girls.  My two daughters. 

I feel like this post focused more on my relationship with Alex than actually writing about her, but don't worry! I will be sure to do another posting that includes some of the funny things she has said and that highlights a little more of her personality.