Me vs. Melancholy

They are out to get me.  The winds of loneliness, depression, and hopelessness are blowing around my little apartment and making their way in through the cracks under the door and around the windows.  They bring a chill not only to my bones, but to the very depths of my soul.  The world suddenly seems bleak and devoid of any feelings of joy.  I am an island in a sea of people who have better things to do. 
It all took me by surprise the day after Thanksgiving.  I came home after a long, tiring, but fun day at my mom's.  I tucked myself into bed wondering if maybe I could pinch a few bucks from my car savings account to get in on some of the deals from Black Friday.
The next morning when I woke up I realized something had changed.  The day before I had been surrounded by family.  But suddenly if felt as if I was completely alone in the world.  No one understood the things I was going through.  No one could possible understand how I felt.  The house was a mess, the food I had made for Thanksgiving didn't turn out how I wanted it, I was missing out on all the good deals, and I was alone in my misery.  I turned on Susan Boyle's CD, The Gift and forced myself to start doing the dishes.  Somewhere in the middle this song came on:
 http://youtu.be/O-bDyqEaZrI
and I lost it.  I didn't even know what the words were, but the music was sad and sweet and it killed me.  I started sobbing, trying to keep my back to Savannah so she couldn't see how sad I was.  After a nice good cry I felt much better, but it really made me realize that I need to be aware of certain feelings that are apt to come up during this holiday season. 
There is so much expectation and anticipation leading up to each big day and that pretty much only leaves room for a letdown afterward.  It is so easy to feel entitled to some solid self pity.  But that only leads to the death spiral downward into more and more depression.
So in order to fight back against these mighty foes, I have decided to think on good things.  (Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things Phil 4:8)
I figure there are other people out there experiencing the same things, so I am going to list some things that make me happy and bring me joy. Here we go...

1. This girl and her funny little personality makes me happy.  And her attraction to pie that may or may not remind me just a little of myself.



 2. This girl helping me


make this...



makes me happy.



3. Knowing I've gotten the perfect present, if not the perfect hiding place for it, makes me happy.

4. Family and food combined DEFINITELY make me happy.

5. My brother's ability to fall asleep anywhere at anytime makes me smile.

6. Sweet and salty joined in a holy union makes me happy.

7. Knowing the commoners are tucked away in their cozy houses below my palace walls...oh wait...I might be departing from reality briefly...oops.

8. All these kiddos make me happy

So does this little cuddle-bug.  She makes me want to squeeze her like a little teddy bear.  That's not weird, is it?

9. High thread count sheets, peppermint mochas from Starbucks, cozy days in bed with the rain falling outside the window, the vibrant colors on the trees in the fall, decorating the Christmas tree, a really good song on the radio, Savannah dancing and swaying to said song on radio, ALL make. me. happy.

There is a good possibility that there will be more posts like this in the coming weeks and months.  Each time Miss Melancholy tries to invite herself in, I will beat her off with things that make me happy.  And you, my lucky readers, will get to be there every step of the way.  There is so much to be happy about and it's just feelings that get in the way and blind me to all the good stuff. 

I just realized my list has 9 items on it.  That's just silly.  I can't have a 9 item list!  We must make it 10! 

10. Getting comments on my blog makes me sooo happy!

There. As it is written, so let it be done.

Slow Down

.

 

Lately it's been hitting me how often I rush through my day, not noticing the moment I'm in, just trying to hurry through to the next thing on my list.  What a sad way to live!  I will be going along, like normal and then suddenly realize I am not taking full breaths, just doing shallow, rapid breathing.  My neck is tight, my teeth are clenched, and I'm slouching.  Not a pretty picture at all.  No wonder the joy is being drained from my life.
It's so easy to get off work, throw Savannah in the car, fight traffic to get home, switch on the TV and try to sit and veg out while Savannah is crying/whining for me to read to her.  I start to feel like she is a nuisance.  Um, hello?!?  What is WRONG with this picture?  What exactly ARE my priorities? 
I realized I need to be way more aware of each individual moment.  There are so many things to enjoy and I have been completely looking over them in my mad rush to nowhere.
I have a beautiful little girl who is only going to be this small for a short time.  I don't want her to grow up and have memories of a mom who was just in the background shushing her as she tried to play.  I don't want her to feel "in the way".  Ever.  Not to mention the fact that when I really look at her and engage with her it brings me so much happiness!  I have never once regretted taking the time to play with her.
Tonight when C dropped off Savannah at work I realized it has been a really long time since I have shown Alex that I am interested in her.  I felt so ashamed.  She was standing there beside Chris with a sad sad look on her face.  She wouldn't say what was wrong, but I realized that what she sees every evening is that I light up when I see Savannah.  I give her kisses and hugs and smell her perfect little baby head.  What do I do for Alex?  Maybe a quick squeeze and a hurried "I love you".  That little girl needs me.  She needs a woman in her life who is genuinely interested in her and who cares for her.  It is so easy to take 5 minutes out of my unnecessary hurry to talk to her and let her know she is special.  I feel terrible that I have let this area lapse in my life. 
I have been so caught up in my own drama and my own pain and didn't even acknowledge that she is going through some really tough stuff too.  Most of the time she seems to be fine outwardly, but I haven't taken the time to have a heartfelt girl chat with her.  I know before too long she will be a teenager and the time of grace for building a close relationship will be gone.
I am making a vow to myself to make Alex a priority.  She is such a good girl and I need to let her know that.
A couple ladies at work today were sharing things they did to stay close to their children when they were growing up.
 One idea I particularly liked was a lady who had a high energy son that didn't like being cooped up in the house during the many rainy Oregon days.  When he was young they started the tradition of going on Rain Walks. 
They bought rain gear and during their walks he could jump and splash around as much as he wanted.      
She said that grew to become a time where they bonded and could have sincere talks with each other.  In fact, recently when he came home on a break from college he suggested they go on a Rain Walk.  That small thing that she started when he was little meant so much to him and was able to bring so much blessing in their relationship.  I love that idea.   
I am so grateful that both my girls are still young enough that I can start fresh and be the best mom I can be.  Nothing is written in stone yet.  They both still have soft hearts that can be planted with the seeds of God's word, not only through Bible stories and Sunday school, but through the example they see in me. 
I have had some bumps in the road, but the truth is, my life is good right now.  God has taken care of me.  He has given me everything I need.  I have a roof over my head, more than enough food to eat, 2 healthy girls, and tons of supportive friends.  He has given me a pastor that is in tune with God and is able to encourage me every single Sunday in a way that I can apply to my life.  I have a good paying job and work with a group of women who have supported me in every stage of my life. What on earth do I have to complain about?  The human brain can so easily turn to discouragement and self pity.  But when I slow down and think about what my life consists of, I can see that I have SO much to be thankful for.  I thank God that he is so forgiving.  He must think I am crazy sometimes when I nitpick the small annoyances in my life and completely overlook all the mercy he has given me and the way he has watched over me as a sheppard.
I am so thankful for the patience God has shown me as I stumble along like a baby learning to walk.  I am slow, sometimes I fall or go in the wrong direction completely, but he is able to see the potential in me.  He is able to see that given time and proper nourishment I can become a strong individual, rooted and grounded in him.
Now can't I find it in myself to show that same patience to those around me?  And what's more, can't I find it in myself to show MYSELF that same patience?  To not become discouraged and depressed by my lack of perfection?
During the holidays it is so common for people to get caught up in all the to-do lists and trying to get everything done at once.  I strongly encourage you to take the time each day, even just 5 minutes in the car (you are going to be stuck in traffic anyway, why  not make use of the time?) and take 3 deep, cleansing breaths, step back from your life and look at all God has given you.  Look at each child as the gift they are.  Look at the people in your life who encourage and support you.  Look at the work God has started in you and has promised to finish.  The hard times will pass, but the faith, hope, peace, and joy we gain in them will anoint our lives and the lives of those around us.
I am going to share a song that has been incredibly encouraging for me during the good and the hard times the past few months.  Read the lyrics. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du0il6d-DAk

2 days to Thanksgiving!
Start practicing giving thanks:)

Precursor to Thanksgiving

It's a mere 5 days away.  The holiday that trumps all others excluding Christmas and, depending on the year, birthdays.  When families draw together and enjoy good food, love, laughter, and then more good food followed by dessert. 
I feel so grateful to have my family all living near each other (except for Ruth Anne and Josh, but they will remedy that December 10th).  The last few years I feel like I am getting to know each of my brothers and sisters a little better. 
I have always been close with my older sister, Ruth Anne.  We are separated by a mere 1 1/2 years which allowed us to be friends as well as sisters growing up.  Although we didn't always get along (she was quite the feisty one and used to bully me even though I was 4 inches taller than her.  Picture her chasing me down the block like a chihuahua running after a saint bernard.  Just call me the gentle giant.)  we always had each other to talk to, hang out with, and lean on.  There is a 6 year gap between me and my next sister, Heather, and a 7 year gap to my brother Daniel and a 9 year gap between my sister Sarah and I.  Then there is Melissa, who is 17 years younger than me and Christopher who is 20 years younger.  That blows my mind just thinking about it. 

Anyways, growing up the three younger kids always felt so much younger to me.  I didn't really have a friendship with them, more I just felt that they were babies to tend to.  I enjoyed telling them stories and keeping them entertained but when I left for the military at age 18 they were still young enough that they hadn't yet developed their adult personalities.  Melissa was just a baby and Christopher wasn't even born yet.

Since getting out of the military 6 years ago I have slowly but surely begun to know them as the adults they are.  It feels so strange because they are family, close family, but I still felt like I didn't really know them at all.  In the 6 years I was gone they had all changed drastically from kids to grownups.  (Not to be mistaken for them ACTING like grownups.  That has yet to happen:)

My sister Sarah had a baby (Lilly) 6 months after I had Savannah.  That has given us a perfect window for bonding and becoming friends.  And I LOVE that Savannah and Lilly will grow up close to each other. That's them in the picture.  The older they get, the less and less difference 6 months makes.  I love that Savannah has Lilly around because there is a pretty good chance she isn't going to have any more siblings any time soon.  Which saddens me SO much.  I loved being pregnant and giving birth and experiencing all the wonder and joy and incredible feelings that go with it.  I really really hope I get to do it at least one more time.  But that's a whole other topic.  My sister Heather had a girl, Melanie, about 9 months after I had Savannah.  Although they live in Washington now, she comes down fairly often and I am excited to have another playmate for Savannah.  Once Melanie is old enough to defend herself that is.  That's Melanie down below.  She's 7 months older now.  But she's still bald.  She and Savannah have bonded over it.  Luscious-locks Lilly sometimes feels left out.

 

I guess what I am getting at is that I am so thankful for my family.  We haven't always had the smoothest road, but my mom made the absolute best out of each situation and raised us in a godly home and taught us to love each other so that even as we grow older we stick together.  I think about the difference my family has made in this time I am going through now.  I can't even imagine the stark loneliness I would be going through if I didn't have Heather, Daniel and Sarah (and soon Ruth Anne) dropping in to visit.  And not just because it forces me to shower and clean up the house before they come. 

Even though Ruth Anne lives further away right now, she cheers me up daily with the funny things she writes about in her blogs and the way she joins in with me when I rail against the injustices of the day.  Granted some are just perceived injustices, but the support is there nonetheless.  I am giddy at the thought that she will soon be just across town and we can start our weekly coffee dates. (yes mom, you are still invited;)  And the baking.  Boy-howdy will there be baking!!!  That's one thing you can count on with Ruth Anne.  As soon as the weather cools her oven starts heating up.  Until this year I hadn't really experimented a whole lot.  With Savannah going to bed around 7 each night and me not having cable I have started branching out a little more than the occasional batch of chocolate chip cookies.  I decided I would bake an apple and a lemon pie to bring to Thanksgiving dinner.  And not wanting it to be a flop I decided to do a test run.  I tried the Apple-Cranberry pie first.  I got the recipe for both pies and the crust from the November issue of Better Homes and Gardens.Here's how the Apple turned out...

Pretty little thing, isn't she?  The crust was golden and on the heartier side.  I think it would be divine with a scoop of vanilla ice cream...mmmmm

There were a few scattered cranberries mixed in with the apples to give a little burst of tartness.  My brother Daniel approved.  That means a lot to me.  There were a lot of juices when I cut the first slice, but it thickened up a bit after sitting a little while.

This was the first piece that I cut.  And devoured.  I gotta say, I was pretty proud of myself on this one.  I will definitely be making it again for Thanksgiving.  Debating on whether to buy the crust or not.  Nah, I think I'll do it from scratch again.  Yum.

And next on the docket we have the Lemon pie. 

Lemon Meringue is my favorite kind of pie.  This one wasn't a meringue, but I thought the lemon flavor would make it my favorite out of the two.  I just realized I didn't take pictures of the finished pie, but luckily I still have some left.  Which is a pretty good indicator this pie won't be repeated in my kitchen. 

And NO I don't have rats.  It looks like that from eating it straight out of the pan with a fork.  It's not my favorite but it's still pie, okay?  Don't judge me.  Anyways, it had a really thick, custardy texture which I liked.  I think I overworked the dough and it came out a bit tough.  Also it didn't have the zing of lemon flavor I love in a lemon meringue.  An okay pie, but not worth repeating.  I am open to try any favorite lemon recipes out there, so send them my way!

Today I decided to try my hand at some scones.  I arrived at this choice because I had everything in my cupboards needed to make them.  I didn't have any oil so that threw out the pumpkin bread recipe I was wanting to try.  Scones it was.  It was a pretty basic recipe and I threw in chocolate chips for some added pizazz.  Truthfully I have never been a huge scone fan.  They always seemed kind of like stale biscuits to me.  But I really outdid myself this time:)  Although I had a few mishaps along the way...

Don't worry.  No scones were harmed in the blaze.

I was able to pop in these lovelies

And out came these!

So buttery and flaky and warm with just the right amount of chocolate gooey-ness in each bite. Definitely best served warm.  I declare them a success.  Making me 2 for 3.  Not bad. 



Now do you want to see the behind the scenes footage from the scones session?  I know you do.

First we have the original shot of the scones ready to be put in the oven.

How cute! A little Christmas village nestled peacefully behind.  Or is it...pan out...

And pan out further...

Yes folks, that was my work area.  I am sadly lacking in counter space.  You will see the mixing bowl on the chair and that tiny corner was the only spot I had to knead the dough.  Yeah, yeah I suppose I COULD have cleared the purse, bag, flour, and jacket off but it's more cozy this way, right?  One downside is I evidently didn't wipe off a big enough area and when I was eating my scone and felt something very non-scone-like in my mouth.  I spit it out to discover one of those little plastic dealies they use to hold price tags on clothes. (Probably from that scrub shirt draped over the chair) Oopsie.  It was clear so I didn't see it on the black tabletop.  My bad.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our first installment of Liz's Lovelies.  (Not sure why but the word lovelies keeps rolling off my tongue today.  I'm gonna go with it.  I hope you enjoyed looking at food as much as I did.  I am sorry if I ruined your appetites by giving you a sordid look at life behind the camera.  And speaking of lovelies, look what's under my tree!

Thanks mom for the wrapping job!  Hurray for successful shopping trips!

As Thanksgiving draws nearer, I urge you to pause and reflect on the family you have in your lives.  Family is not always defined by blood relations.  Family is those you turn to in times of crisis and those you are able to laugh with when times are good.  I hope you are blessed as richly as I have been.

It is finished. Sort of.

I had my Meeting of the Creditors (MOC) today.  Turns out the thing I most feared (having to face the credit card company representatives) was not the thing I should have been worrying about.  Turns out I should have been more concerned with my choice of lawyer.  I found him by looking up bankruptcy lawyers on the Better Business Bureau website.  He had an A rating, so I called him right up. 
I don't know if you saw the news report on the BBB recently.  Turns out, you can BUY a good grade.  That's right.  Even the company whose sole purpose is to protect the consumer has gone astray.  Buying a membership for several hundred dollars guarantees you a good grade.  I was so disappointed.  I hope they can feel my displeasure.
I have a very strong feeling this is what Mr. Macavity did.  For starters, when I showed up for my initial meeting with him, I had to climb the stairs over an ethnic tea shop to get there.  Hippyville, USA.  His "office" consisted of 2 rooms.  The outer one had his paralegal, Sara.  She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and low slung pants, her hair a tangled twisty affair.  The back office was the big boss's.  He had a desk, and several chairs stacked piled high with folders.  He was wearing cargo shorts, tennis shoes, a short sleeved un-tucked button down shirt and some sort of puca shell necklace.  SO not what I was expecting.  But I told myself it didn't matter what they looked like or the laaaaaid back vibe of the office as long as they did a good job.  Plus the BBB said they were a good firm.
At the first meeting he asked me lots of questions and filled out the forms on his computer.  After I left they requested 2 different batches of specific forms and financial data be faxed to them.  I gave them everything they asked for quickly as I wanted to speed this along as fast as possible.
They informed me all I needed to bring to the MOC was my driver's license and social security card.  I had given them everything else they would need for the meeting. 
One thing I haven't mentioned yet is the slow or non-existent response time they had anytime I asked them a question or to clarify something.  I finally stopped emailing Sara and sent my questions right to Mr Macavity.  And was given the same high quality of service.
This left me with an uneasy feeling, like maybe they weren't on top of things.  I was reassured by The Duke and other friends that lawyers, ALL lawyers, are known for not getting back to you and for taking their time. 
As I was preparing for my MOC today, I decided to play it safe and take along the stack of forms and statements I had faxed to them.   I didn't want to get there and not have something I needed.
THANK GOODNESS I did!  I was 1 of 3 clients they were representing at the MOC.  They had not submitted the paperwork on any of us.  I couldn't believe it.  The firm is a BANKRUPTCY firm.  That's all they do!  How was it possible for them to get it wrong???
Luckily I was able to provide the information they needed, but then the trustee (the person presiding over the whole lovely affair) noticed that in the filing they had said my house was paid off.  Bwahahahahahah. Yeah right.  He then started grilling me on whether I had actually read the forms before I signed them.  I explained that yes, I had and that I had to read the forms off the computer screen and must have missed that part.  Um hello?!?  Truth is I had NO idea what to look for in the 20+ pages of information.  Isn't that what I hired the lawyer for?
To sum it up, the law firm has to go back and amend the mistakes.  My case will then be discharged in about 60 days.  But it won't actually be closed until after I file my taxes and they decide if it's worth it for them to seize my returns.  Lovely.  More good things to look forward to.  The trustee also STRONGLY urged me to file for divorce before the bankruptcy was done.  He kept telling me to get a "Release of State".  But couldn't seem to explain to me what that was or why I needed it.  He sure did think it was important though.  I googled it and didn't find any answers.  If anyone out there knows anything that can make things clearer I beg you to let me know! 
A friend of mine is a representative for a company called Prepaid Legal.  Evidently you pay a yearly membership and you have access to a whole board of lawyers to help with whatever your legal woes are.  I am getting together with her Monday evening to see if that is something I can use for the divorce.  Maybe save myself a couple grand.  (The retainer on at least 3 of my coworkers divorce lawyers was over $2000. yikes.)
I feel like the tone of the last few posts have had a whiny quality to them, and I apologize.  That isn't how I want this to come across at all.  I am trying to navigate these treacherous waters and it seems like more often than not things don't go smoothly.  I bet I have so much character!!
So there you have the update of the MOC today.  Now I will put it all behind me and enjoy the weekend.  Christmas shopping! WoooHOO!!

Waiting on Tomorrow

This is going to be a short posting because I need to be rested tomorrow, but I knew I wouldn't be able to quiet my mind unless I got some of this out.

Tomorrow is my Meeting of the Creditors.  I have been told by numerous people who have filed bankruptcy that this is no big deal.  In my mind I know this is not a big deal.  But the rest of me is dreading tomorrow.  It's one thing to decide I am unable to pay back debts.  It's something else completely to face the companies who will be losing money because of me. 

My good friend, and co-worker, Lissa owned a bowling alley many years ago that went under.  Her family had to declare a bankruptcy for over 5million dollars.  At their Meeting of the Creditors the only people that showed up were the people that took care of the plants at the bowling alley.  I find that story so reassuring.  I spoke with another co-worker who declared bankruptcy over 10 years ago.  Not one creditor showed up to their meeting.  It seems that the meeting itself isn't something to be dreaded.  At the same time there is a soft, scary, chanting voice in my head that is reminding me there are probably other stories out there.  Stories that aren't so reassuring.  And maybe the creditors will want to grill me on my financial decisions and point out things I should sell and tell me to eat out less and carpool more.  I know that sounds silly.  And that is exactly why I decided to write this out before going to bed. 

When I am walking around with a feeling of dread, but am not aware of the exact cause of that feeling, it tends to grow and grow until it overwhelms me. 
By putting down the worse case scenario and seeing how unlikely it looks I am able to breathe again. 

On another note, I sent C a text telling him I had the meeting tomorrow and that I was a little worried about it.  For those of you who have been following along, you will remember C had declared bankruptcy before.  I was looking for just one more comforting story of how trivial and easy it is.  And maybe an "I'm sorry I helped put you in that spot and that you have to go through it alone".  But I got absolutely nothing back.  It's been such an eye opener to see how quickly he is moving on and how little he actually cares about me.  There is no remorse.  I don't understand how I ended up with someone like that.  It's the complete opposite of me.  I tend to feel guilty and responsible for any emotional upset the other person is experiencing. 

PLEASE let me be learning from all this so I never, ever have to go through it again.
I am going to leave you with some cute pics of my little sweet pea.  She is staying with C tonight because I went out for drinks and dinner with all the girls at work for Lissa's birthday.  The house is so empty without her.

 

I'm sorry Mr. Ramsey

I am declaring Bankruptcy.  On Friday I have to have a "Meeting of the Creditors" and face everyone to whom I owe money.  I am scared.
 Mine is a Chapter 7 meaning I am asking to be freed from all debt.  I am letting the house go back to the bank, letting the car that isn't paid off go back to the loan company, and hopefully letting the mountain of credit card debt that has accrued in my 2 1/2 year marriage go back from whence it came.  This is not how I was raised and not how I am comfortable conducting myself.  I have always had good credit, a healthy savings account, and a good idea of what I should and shouldn't buy.  I had some credit cards, but no balances on them.  They were mostly used to rack up air miles that I never used.  I was always careful to pay them off before the dreaded interest set in.
Something happened when I began dating C.  He had a more carefree way with money.  He told me his credit was bad because of unpaid student loans.  I was proud of him for going to school and didn't question it.  Or ask to see a degree.  Or ask why he hadn't used his G.I. Bill for education.  Hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah...
It all started when I went to a bridal show and received a call a week later telling me my name had been picked in a drawing and I had won a 3 day, 2 night trip (airfare and hotel included) to Vegas.(!!!)  All I had to do was go claim it.  And listen to a short presentation.  It quickly became clear this was a timeshare gambit.  I had heard of the free trips they gave out, hoping to persuade would-be schmucks to buy in.  I am not saying all timeshares are a bad deal.  I know several people who have time-shares, and use them and have totally gotten their money's worth.  But this is about me.  C and I agreed to go, claim our prize and then jet out of there.  We weren't going to get suckered in. Nope, not us.  Fast forward about 7 hours later, 10 o'clock at night.  Me, sitting at a desk signing paper after paper.  Wanting to be out of there. Second guessing my choice to be the proud new parent of a timeshare.  But not leaving.  It seemed like a good deal.  Our grandchildren would use this!  It's a legacy.  And just like that, I had a sizable debt attached to a credit card in my name.  And only my name.
Next I decided the neighborhood I lived in was starting to get a little trashy, and I should probably sell the house before it starting losing value.  One of my favorite things in the world is house hunting.  I love seeing the new spaces and imagining the life I would have there.  All things become possible.  I could grow my own veggies!  I could have a place for everything and everything in its place!  I could regularly be a hostess to a gathering of friends who would have a standing date to come to my house for food, fun, and games!  So many possibilities. 
So C and I began looking.  And looking.  I was working with a realtor I had used in the past with great success.  After we had been shopping around several weeks she mentioned that she was going to be selling her house.  It was in an excellent area and had a great school district.  She was convinced it was perfect for us!  I agreed to come look around.  Although the house was quite a bit more than I had intended to get into and was a completely different style than I wanted, I felt like turning it down would somehow be an insult to the realtor.  Oh the problems I create for myself!  I rationalized to myself that the view WAS amazing and it came with a studio apartment downstairs which would be so cool and C loved it.  And with 2 incomes, we could afford it.  And there I went, ignoring the quiet whisper of my common sense and slipping down the rabbit hole, further into debt.  In my name alone.

The next big blunder involved the purchase of a spendy Nissan Maxima, fully loaded.  It was a beautiful car and one I quickly grew attached to.  The payments were pretty hefty though and we decided to see if we could trade it in for something a little more in our price range.  And came home with a Cadillac.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  We went IN with a Maxima, wanting lower our payments and came OUT with a Cadillac. 

The payments did NOT go down but C (who did his best to push me in the direction of a Hummer.  Good gracious.) informed me the Caddy would maintain it's value better than the Maxima and so it was quite rational to do the little switcharoo.  AND I DID.  That's the shocking part.  My brain was just completely shut off.  I got it (say it with me) in MY NAME ALONE.

That is quite a bit of debt for one person to carry on their shoulders.  But that's not all.  At that point I knew better than to add on anymore.  Especially since C had now been unemployed for several months.  And we had a new baby. 

Unfortunately, C didn't think it was enough.  He proceeded to take the credit cards I had laying around the house.  The credit cards I didn't use because I knew better.  He took those cards and unbeknownst to me began using them like there was no tomorrow.  He went shopping, he got cash advances, he went gambling. 

.         And not a word to me.

When I discovered what he had done the fireworks flew.  He looked at me and denied everything.  Someone must have stolen my identity!  When I broke down each transaction and pointed out they were made in the businesses he frequented the protests became weaker.  We went for an emergency intervention with our pastor.  The denials became claims he had just bought a couple tools.  He wasn't sure what all he got, but it was no big deal.  The sting of betrayal hits me to this day. 

When it became apparent we were sinking financially, I took some really good advice and signed us up for the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University.
 It literally changed my life.  I saw it was possible to get out of debt.  We could do it!  C and I attended the 13 week class every Thursday.  We both went to the classes, but I was the only one putting it to use in our life.  I was desperate for him to see the light and to see the weight that is lifted when your finances become organized and focused.  I faithfully did the budget each month, called all the creditors and let them know we had a plan and were working it, began having garage sales and clipping coupons to scrounge up whatever money I could to build up a savings and start paying down the debt.
And then the first shimmy of the earthquake that would rock my whole world came.  I found out C had taken a check sent to us by the insurance company for us to give to the birthing center where I had my daughter, and he had gambled it away.  Every last cent of the almost $1200.00.  And then he lied about it.  And lied about it.  Until I informed him I was being sent a copy of the check and would be checking the signature to see if it was his.  Sitting in a darkened bedroom, with a hat pulled low over his eyes, unable to look at me, the truth finally slipped through his lips.  I felt like a sledgehammer had collided with my chest.  How could he do this to us?  To our family?  After all the hard work to get us to a financially stable place and with one thoughtless, selfish act he pushed us farther down.  I saw that nothing had changed. 

It was then I took a closer look at other things C had said during our marriage.  And right about then was when the earthquake hit its peak and was followed by a tidal wave of massive proportions.  And when all was said and done the truth came out.  The truth was that my marriage of 2 1/2 years had been built on sand.  I had done my best to try to hold it together and patch up the crumbling walls, but sand is sand and cannot withstand the fury of an earthquake. 

When the floods had subsided I was left with one option.  That was bankruptcy.  Every last scrap of debt was in my name.  The house payment alone was more than half of my monthly income.  I had to admit defeat. 

And so I would like to apologize to Mr.Ramsey.  He taught me how to claw my way out of debt and how to do the righteous thing and repay what I owed.  I learned the lessons, honest I did, but still had to choose the coward's way out. 

But, Mr Ramsey, all is not lost!  The lessons are even now being strengthened in me.  I am using the tools you gave me almost every day.  I am in a scorched heap of ashes now, but one day soon I will rise and I will do you proud.  I will pay for cars in cash!  I won't ever use credit cards again!  I will "live like no one else now, so I can LIVE like no one else later". I will ask for discounts wherever I go.  I will grow my savings account so I can have low premiums and high deductibles!

Thank you Mr Ramsey for the hope you have given of a world where I have financial peace.  Thank you for teaching me the importance of giving back to God first, even before I pay the rest of the

bills. 
I truly believe God brought Mr Dave Ramsey into my life at the absolute perfect time. 
Without the classes I took, I wouldn't have become aware of discrepancies in our finances.  I wouldn't have had focus and balance.  And I wouldn't have had a clue where to start when it came to starting over. 
To any of you reading this, I BESEECH you to look up the classes that are being held near you and sign up.  The classes are entertaining and easy to follow along.  I promise, you will thank me!

http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/

And don't forget to think of me on Friday at 1:00.  I will be in the fiery trial.



The Other Daughter

You may have heard me mention in passing my stepdaughter Alex.  I hesitate to call her stepdaughter because I feel that title diminishes the reality of our relationship.  I have been pretty much the only mom she has known since she was 4.  She is now an energetic, lanky, stunningly beautiful girl who will be turning 8 in about 3 weeks.  I feel it is time to give her her due.

Alex (short for Alexandria Nicole) is incredibly smart and so fun to have around.  Although I have struggled for some time trying to define our relationship, I feel like we are getting to a place where we are both comfortable and getting what we need.  She was 4 when I met her, had already developed her personality and was no longer a baby, and it didn't feel natural for me to swoop in and take charge like I had been her mother all along.  I didn't feel comfortable disciplining her and usually left that up to C.  I also, sadly, didn't feel right stepping in when I thought C was being too hard on her.  It's been a learning experience.  I didn't know any mothers who were in the same situation I was and I would have loved to find a support group with others who shared the same difficulties.  I felt a lot of guilt that I wasn't as bonded to her as I thought I was supposed to be. 
The Duke clued me in on something so simple, but so real it instantly released me from a lot of the guilt I had been carrying around.  What he said was this, "You did not know her as a baby, or even a toddler.  YOU DON'T HAVE THAT HISTORY TOGETHER.  It normally takes a blended family 4 years to feel like things are normal."
I realized I had set such high expectations on myself and had been trying to force our relationship to be something it couldn't be.
I also realized that when the guilt was taken away, I was able to enjoy what we did have. 
When I moved out of the house I struggled with the feeling that I was abandoning Alex.  And once again The Duke had to remind me "She has a mother.  You are her stepmother.  You do not have any legal rights over her.  Those are the facts."  He wasn't saying that I couldn't have a loving, supportive relationship with her.  He was once again removing the self-imposed guilt. 
Since moving out, the friendship between Alex and me has grown.  She is able to come over to my place and relax and be herself.  Because our time together is more limited, we are able to focus on really enjoying each other's company without worrying about the day to day mundane things.  She is such a sweet girl and each time she comes over she tells me no less than 5 times how much she looooves coming over to my house.  It makes me feel so good.

 She never fails to leave sweet messages on my white board.

I am so glad to have her in my life and so glad that Savannah has her as an older sister.   

Alex is a doting, caring, loving, role model and it's easy to see Savannah mimicking the example she has set.  They play together for hours and it's like the 6 year age gap means nothing. 

 I am so thankful they have each other. 

My relationship with my sister has been one of the most important in my life.  She is my best friend, my confidante, and my sounding board.  I hope that my girls will experience the same with each other.
I am excited to get to know Alex better as she gets older and wiser.  I am actively working on building our friendship so she feels she is able to come to me about anything.  I want her to feel acceptance and love and for her to know I think the world of her and she will always have a place in my home. 
She has been through so much in her short life and has weathered it with amazing resilience. 
I pray that God will show me how to be the person she needs me to be and how to set the best example for her through the way I live my life.

In the meantime, I thank Him for the bond he has created between these two girls.  My two daughters. 

I feel like this post focused more on my relationship with Alex than actually writing about her, but don't worry! I will be sure to do another posting that includes some of the funny things she has said and that highlights a little more of her personality. 

It's Heee-eeere!

The last few posts have been a little heavy/serious.  I decided it's time to lighten things up a little and show what I've been doing this evening.  First let me explain what I had to go through to get things done.  I might lose you here, but knowing that both you readers are moms, I think you'll follow along just fine. 
I spoke with my therapist yesterday and came to the conclusion that my overwhelming feeling of limbo might be lessened with a little holiday cheer.  And by holiday I mean of course the king of all holidays.  The holiday that wimpy Valentine's Day and Arbor Day (pshaw) don't dare make eye contact with.  I'm speaking of CHRISTMAS. 
When I moved into my apartment, I left behind tubs of Christmas decorations and ornaments.  I decided it was time to bring them home.  C agreed to lug them down from the attic and bring them to me at work when he dropped off Savannah.  I was giddy to say the least.  And then I realized I would have to somehow get them from my car to the apartment.  Let me just explain why that is an issue. 
I love my apartment.  I love the cozy feeling I get from hearing the other families living their lives in the walls around me.  I love the extra high ceilings and the fantastic view.  Unfortunately there is one drawback.  My assigned parking spot is in front of the next building over.  Not a big deal you say?  You could use the exercise you mutter under your breath?  I would be inclined to agree IF I were never required to bring anything other than myself and my purse in from the car.  That, of course, is not the case.  I have a 15 month old ( who has a tendency to want to head for the hills-which is NOT where our apartment is), a diaper bag, a purse, a large water jug, and a bag containing all my financial information (don't ask)  that I routinely must carry from home to car and back again.  That doesn't include groceries, sippy cups, abandoned shoes, or the infant carrier Savannah was still using up until today. Are you feeling my pain here?  Seriously, I don't mean pain metaphorically.  I have bruises on my arms and legs from struggling under the weight of it all.  I think you are probably starting to get the picture. 
The problem I face whenever I have extra cargo to unload is What do I do with the baby?  Do I throw her in the crib and let her scream?  Do I carry her back and forth and increase the number of trips?  Do I leave her to wander and hope she doesn't make it out the door before I come back?  A girl could drive herself a little nuts thinking about it. 
Back to today.  After work I went outside to see C with a smug look on his face.  I didn't recognize it as smug at the time, but looking back I am almost certain that's what it was.  I drive a Honda Civic.  A 2 door Honda Civic.  Bought it when I was 19. Never even crossed my mind that I would one day curse the person who took away my other 2 doors.  A 2 door car is NOT a good option for a person with a baby.  Let this be a cautionary tale to you.  And all you goody two shoes minivan drivers with your dual sliding doors.  May you never know my pain.  As I got closer to the car I could see it was stuffed to the gills with tupperware bins of Christmas decorations.  In the passenger seat, in the rear seat, in the trunk.  There was just a tiny little cubby for Savannah to squeeze in in her car seat.
I'm just going to cut this short by saying I successfully got everything in.  Even the crock pot.  You may call me Wonder Woman.  I won't blush.  It involved some barricading, a lot of tears, some not so nice words mumbled by yours truly and a little illegal parking.  BUT it was so worth it.
Now, it is my pleasure to bring you.....Christmas.

Mr and Mrs Claus wish  you a Merry Christmas.  No, seriously, they sing "We wish you a Merry Christmas" and shake their cute little booties. The star on the tree even lights up and blinks.  Adorable.

Our cozy little town is tucked in for the night.  I wonder what the villagers are up to?

Sheriff Tom is finishing up some paperwork before heading home to Nancy and the kids.

All the puppies and kittens are dreaming of new homes, warm bowls of milk, and lots of cuddles to come.

Gordon is tidied up and ready for another day of business.  I absolutely LOVE the little hanging fish and scale.

Granny has been baking up a storm and the smells of melting chocolate, and freshly baked muffins still waft in the cooling night air.

Ahhh....Did I mention I just loooove Christmas? 

And of course this scene wouldn't be complete without the "reason for the season"...

Mary is feeling much better now that the labor is over.  No hot water, no clean towels, and straw in areas straw should never be.  But the baby is here and all else fades to the background.  The heat from the animals and the sweet scent of the cows chewing their cud wafts over her in warm waves and she feels her tensions drain as she focuses on the joy brought by the small baby boy before her.  The frankincense and myrrh are nice but the gold is getting them a plush suite at the nearest hotel complete with minibar! And maybe a little deep tissue massage to top things off.*

*The views expressed in this post are speculative and should not be interpreted as fact.

The Christmas Star shines over them all.

It's here!!!

And I will leave you with these scenes from Daniel's kick a** 23rd birthday party...

For those of you who know them, I'm sure you are well aware that Savannah's presence really IS her present.  It's a birthday miracle.

Zachary showing off a butterfly painstakingly hand crafted for him by his talented aunt. Which he promptly crumpled up into a turd-like ball and accused me of ruining.  (Yes.  We are still on the party pictures)

Daniel meditating on this, his 23rd year of life.  Ermm yes... that's what he's doing...meditating...

And my! What a lovely shirt he is sporting!  Someone must have loved him very much to give him a shirt such as that.