My New Project

I have decided what one of my new projects is going to be. At least as far as the blogosphere goes.  Starting on the 1st of March I am going to work my way through the alphabet finding subjects to blog about.  For example today is brought to you by the letter A...

A.
Arts'n'crafts
Every year as the cold weather starts to move in, I naturally gravitate towards being crafty.  Usually this involves digging up my knitting needles, crochet hooks, mod podge, buttons and paper and settling in with a nice arts and crafts project.  This tends to run from scarves and hats

This is Kate.  I made her hat.

to silhouettes

My girls

and holiday decorations

These are Easter eggs.  They were beautiful.  You should have been there.

 . 
But this year was different.   Fall came and went and my knitting bag stayed firmly wedged on the top shelf of my closet.  The glue was nowhere to be found.  What could have caused this strange shift in behavior??  It's almost as if I was distracted by something.  Now here we are with spring looming around the next rain cloud and the itch is finally back.
It started with a little mosaic type birthday card. 

The H stands for Heather.  It's her birthday.

This isn't the card I made.  Mine is lots of different colors and is made of pieces cut from magazines.  Way better than this silly glass and glue monstrosity;)

Then, as the crafting urge grew stronger, I bought headbands.  Lots of headbands.  I am going to bedazzle them and decorated them within an inch of their life and then I am going to give them to my niece, Kate (wearer of the blue hat above) for her birthday on the 17th.  She will have a different one for every day of the week.  She and I have a slight obsession with headbands right now.  I think she'll appreciate them.  And if not, the headband fairy might just take them away and give them to her auntie Liz.  Who will flaunt them shamelessly.

I bought a huge thick book of gorgeous paper. 

See all the awesome designs??? No? You can't make them out in this tiny, shiny picture? What a shame!

I think some of it will serve as matting for framed photos and some of it is destined for cards or to be mounted on canvas or wood as wall art.  I never knew I could be so excited about paper.

On Saturday I took the girls to Michelle's house to play.  And what did we end up doing?  Why beading of course!  Although I must confess, I had such a difficult time picking out a pattern, I started over about 6 times and then gave it to Alex to finish.  But I had fun anyway!
So you see, it is quite appropriate that my blogging project is starting out with Art/Crafts.  It is something I LOVE to do.  It makes me feel warm and cozy.  Seriously. It does.  It's like hot apple pie for my mind. 
Tomorrow I am dragging my bag 'o knitting with me to work to start putting together some more hats.  Or flowers. Or afghans.  Who knows what I'll end up with?  All I DO know is that the fun is in the crafting.  Errr.. Arting.  (Hmmm... that doesn't quite roll off the tongue.  Oh well.)

Money

Here is a letter I got when I checked the mail today...

Dear Ms. Smith:
Thank you for your letter.  You have done the right thing to bring this to my attention.  It appears we did not envision this much tax refund coming your way, so this is new information I was not aware of at the time.  As debtors will benefit by the administration of these refunds, I ask that you do turn over the funds, when received.  I will then reopen your case, administer those funds for the creditors, and ultimately file a final report.  This process will take about five months.
Questions should be referred to your bankruptcy attorney, Mr. McAvity.

Very truly yours,
Ronald R Sticka
Bankruptcy Trustee.


You see, I was unsure what was going on with the bankruptcy and knew he had told me it wouldn't be closed until I did my taxes.  On the exact day I sent my tax information in the mail, I received a letter stating the bankruptcy was closed and everything was finished.  By then it was too late to get back the information I sent.  When I read the letter today, rage swelled up in me.  And tears too. 
I was so sure after receiving the letter stating the bankruptcy was closed that I was done with all that.  And now I find out I have to pay out thousands of dollars that I was hoping to put in an emergency fund.  And the process will not be done for almost half a year longer. 
I feel like I am in a whirlpool, swirling around and around with no hope of escape.  I have tried to do what is right in each situation and it seems like the battles keep coming at me.  Meanwhile, C is sitting pretty.  Living in a huge house for free. Getting money from the government so he doesn't have to work.  Free to putter around all day, watching movies, eating junk food, and working on little projects as they strike his fancy.  This is a really tough pill for me to swallow.  It seems I am going to continue to pay for the mistake of marrying him.  With no end in sight.
I want to send a letter back to Mr Sticka with one word on it..."NO." 

It is in this moment that it is clear to me that there are some parts of me that didn't believe my money was God's.  I thought I was doing pretty good.  Tithing, being generous, being a good steward.  But there was more there.  God is the god of all things.  He has unlimited resources.  If the money needs to come to me, it will.  If it is more beneficial that I root out the love of money, then it will flow through my hands to someone else.  Everything I have is God's.  He has always taken care of me.  He has blessed me with two girls in my life.  He has given me a steady job.  He has given me enough money to live in a safe area, have enough food to eat, and be able to afford clothes for all of us.  He knows my needs and he knows when I don't need something.  I can trust his judgement even when my own human judgement is screaming "It's not fair!"  It is better to be honest than to be sneaky and gain money that I won't even remember in 5 years.   The growth taking place in my heart is permanent.  Not to mention all the great character I MUST be building.  Yaaaay me!
I am not going to think about this anymore.  When the money comes in, I will write a check and send it right back out.  And continue to live frugally.
We all know this next verse.  But really read it this time and think about what it's saying:

1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.


I thank God that he is driving out that love of money in me.  He is helping me to find true, lasting happiness.  He is showing me the things that are highly esteemed by men, but worthless to God.

I know the sting of signing over that check will be felt, but I also know it is for my best.  And as my needs arise, they will be met.


FREEDOMMMM!



Teacher Time

I had the meeting today with Alex's teacher Mrs. Ross and her school counselor, Mrs. Hagner.  It went better than I could have imagined.  I have such a huge feeling of relief right now.
I had a meeting with The Duke this morning.  I told him I had concerns about what I should say and what I should leave out when talking to her teachers.  I knew that they already had a relationship with C and would probably continue dealing mainly with him so I didn't want to damage that.  At the same time I wanted them to be aware of what was going on (if you are new here see this post.) so if they saw any behavioral changes, they would know where it was coming from.  I also wanted them to be another source of support for Alex if she should need it.   I didn't want to appear like the bitter ex who was there to trash talk her ex-husband.
When I got there after school let out today I was still a little apprehensive.  But then we all sat down at one of the kiddy tables in Mrs. Ross's classroom and I opened my mouth and it all came out.  From the very beginning.  Naturally they had to run for tissues.  My eyes teared up even before I started talking.  Sometimes it just hits me unexpectedly.  They took it all in and when I was done Mrs. Ross looked at me and said "this explains a LOT."  When I asked what she meant, she said that Alex has been  telling little lies in class.  Just today she had gone with another girl (who had permission) to a different class and when they got back, Mrs.Ross asked where she had been and she said to the bathroom.  It wasn't until talking to the other teacher later that she found out Alex had gone to the other class without permission.   She said she has noticed a very sassy and entitled attitude from Alex.  At one point Alex told her "You aren't my mom".  I was shocked to hear that.  She said she had talked about Alex to the 1st grade teacher Alex had last year.  That teacher commented on what a sweet girl Alex was.  She was surprised to hear about the changes in her behaviour.  I also found out that for the parent-teacher conference, no one showed up for Alex.  She was the only person in her class that didn't have someone show up for her.  Mrs. Ross had never even met C until earlier last week when he came to have lunch with Alex.  That was news to me.  C had made it sound like he was a regular helping out at the school and like he knew her teacher.
You could tell by the look on their faces that things were starting to click into place.  Mrs. Ross had just found out that we had split up when Alex did a report for MLK Jr day saying what she would do to change the world.  One of the sentences she had to complete was how she would change her family.  She said she would make it so she could see me more and that it had been a looong time since she had seen me.  At that point Mrs. Ross sat her down and talked to her and then got her into the counselor.  They are starting up a support group for kids with divorced parents that will meet on lunch once a week.  I was so excited to hear that.  I am so glad Alex will be getting some form of counseling.  And I am glad for her to see that there are other kids going through the same thing and that divorce isn't caused by anything kids do.
Both the teachers said they thought that if it was at all possible I should look into having Alex move in with me.  They thought she was in a very unsafe and unstable environment. She has started missing a lot of school and when she comes back she says she stayed out to take care of her dad.  It's not a healthy relationship because he is depending on her like an adult and at the same time training her to lie and be sneaky.  That was one thing Mrs. Ross had really noticed.  The sneakiness.  And the fact that Alex appears to be worldly above her age.  I told them I had noticed it too and thought a lot of it was from watching adult shows with C and playing adult video games. 
They were both so supportive and suggested I seek legal advice to see what my options are.  They said they would put my address in at the office so I would receive any mail pertaining to Alex and asked if they could deal with me rather than C.  I think it was a relief on both sides to have some answers and explanations.  It was a tremendous weight off my back to know there are more people looking out for Alex's best interests.
Both of the women were so friendly and gave me tremendous confidence.  We all agreed to keep in touch via email.
After the meeting, Mrs. Ross talked to me a little longer and said again how glad she was that we had met.  She said that hearing about Alex's living situation and knowing more about C's family made it clear that if we don't intervene Alex would very easily end up like C's sister.  Pregnant at 15 and out of control.  They gave me so much hope that we had stepped in in time to change that path. 
I told them about the new friend's Alex had made with Michelle's kids.  And about how the fun she had there was innocent fun.  She was able to be a child without the burdens of an adult placed on her.  It made me more determined to seek out and foster relationships like that for her. 
It's also made me seriously think about working to make it possible for her to be with me more, if not full time.  I know it will take some juggling as I want her to stay at the same school.  There are before and after school programs she can attend while I am working. And I know it will take a miracle where C is concerned because she is his ONLY friend.  But I believe that if it is the right thing, God will make a way.  I am going to call the pre-paid legal service I signed up with to see what some options are for us.
If anyone out there is legally savvy or has lawyer friends, I would appreciate any advice you can give me on this. 
Her teachers stressed to me that if something were to happen to C, she would become a ward of the state.   She would then either be sent to live with her biological mom (not good) or with C's family (NOT good). 
Up to this point I have been juggling so much with the move, the bankruptcy and the divorce, but I feel like things are settling into place now and I am able to give this my full focus. 
So here are 2 things I want you to take away from reading this:
1. Pray for me
2. Send me legal advice if you have any:)

I will continue to update as things start to happen.  I completely believe everything will fall into place.  So much already has been taken care of for me. God's timing has been so impeccable I don't think he will let Alex fall between the cracks.

As the winter is slowly inching its way into spring, I am feeling the need to dust off my own habits and do a little spring cleaning.  I'm not talking about resolutions.  I am already actively doing weight maintenance and will probably do another HCG round in March. 
What I'm talking about is cobwebs of the BRAIN.  My days are the same.  Day in and day out.  I get up, take Savannah to Ruth Anne's, go to work, eat dinner at Ruth Anne's, come home, put Savannah in bed, put my self in bed...repeat, repeat, repeat. 
Lately the only creative muscle I have been flexing is in trying out new recipes.  (And YES I HAVE been doing some of the ACTUAL baking.  Thank you for asking.)  While this is lots of fun, it is more of a fall/winter hobby.  When it's easier to camouflage or at least cover up the rolls it adds to my waistline. 
But lately I have needed something more.  I need a new project.  Something easy, but new to me.  Something that will spark up my rusty brain and get it firing again. 
In the past when I have felt this itch, I have turned to knitting and crocheting.  I think I will break out my needles again, but I also want to try something completely new.
I was thinking along the lines of some challenge where I had to do SOMEthing new every day for a month. 
My first instinct is almost ALWAYS to turn to Google.  Here are some things it turned up...

1. Take a photo a day for a year and post it on my site. (I am seriously considering this one.  I think it would be a lot of fun) I want to at least do a solid month of this and then see how it's going.

2.30 Ornaments in 30 days. It would be kind of fun to have a lot of cute homemade ornaments on the tree next year...

Cute!

3.I could make a craft for each person in my family.  This could include baking, beading, painting...anything tailored to that person's interests and likes.

What mother wouldn't want to get this from her 30 year old daughter??

4. I could do a cross-stitch.  Haven't done one of those in YEARS.

But then I'd have to find someone to unload it on.

5. I could start with each room in the house and do a makeover.  That would be super beneficial, but might get spendy.  Plus it might end up more work than fun.

Um...yeah.  Maybe not THAT kind of a makeover.

6. I could buy a blank canvas and try my hand at making some art for the wall.

That's cute.  And doesn't look TOO hard to do.

I am not completely sold on any of these ideas.  I want something that makes me perk up and think THAT'S IT!
I would much appreciate any ideas you could send my way for a fun, new project for me to try.
Let me know what you do to keep your days interesting.  I know kids and work take up a lot of time, but I want to try to focus on living in the moment and enjoying my days.  It seems so easy to speed through the days, just trying to get them over with.  Not the way I want to live life.  I think slowing down and forcing myself to try something new will be a good way to enjoy the moment I am in.  And get some skillz along the way.;)

God's Ways

God works in mysterious ways.  It's a common saying, but when you see things fall into place in real  life it takes on a whole new meaning.  It has been so fascinating to see the way God has worked in my life.  Looking back it is clear how each thing that has happened to me on my way has been for a reason and led to better things.
In my last post, I talked about the church I thought God was leading me back to.  I didn't know for sure what his plan for me was, but I wanted to go wherever he wanted me to be.  It seemed like doors were opening and old friendships were being rekindled, places that were closed in my heart were softening, and things were changing.  There was just one area that felt "off" to me.  But I was determined to not let that one thing keep me from doing God's will.  I can't get into specifics, but I was shocked and amazed to find out that one area was taken care of. 
God softened my heart at the exact time he took care of the thing that was holding me back.  Something that didn't directly relate to me at all, but that was a stumbling block for me. 
I have prayed that God would make it obvious when it came to my life decisions, and he has delivered! 
I hope this isn't too cryptic.
Along the same lines, more and more possibilities are opening up for me to build a strong support group around me.  God knows I need fellowship and camaraderie.  The whole experience with my marriage falling apart has made me rely on him and at the same time shown me that I can trust him to take care of me.  So much anxiety has been eliminated as I realize the things I was anxious about before, don't matter anymore.  I was feeling judged by people and feeling like an outcast and unworthy.  But the only thing that has true worth is God's judgement.  He knows my heart and that enables me to move forward with confidence.  It has given me freedom to be myself.  To embrace the personality he gave me.  I am an individual.  I have noticed that the friends whose company I most enjoy are those who are true to their individuality.  Things are more interesting, more comfortable, and more uplifting when people are true to themselves instead of trying to squeeze into an imagined mold.
My goal now is to continue to keep the lines of communication open with God so that my humanness doesn't come in and muddy things up.  He is faithful to shine light when I need it so my heart can continue to be purified.
Hopefully this isn't too "preachy" of a post.  Actually, even if it is, that's ok because it's MY blog.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.:)

(Change of subject)
I sent an email to Alex's teacher (Mrs. R) today.  I have never met her but I found her email on the school website.  I BRIEFLY explained the situation.  I didn't give specifics, just said that C and I had split up in October and asked if it seemed like Alex was doing ok.  I asked if she had any ideas for making things easier for her and told her some times we could set up if she wanted to get together to talk.  She replied that she would see what the school counselor thought was best.  I hadn't even realized there WAS a school counselor in elementary!  I am actually REALLY glad I wrote now.  I have wanted to get Alex into a counselor and have been told by C and my Alex's other mom that she would be added onto her other mom's medical benefits and would be able to see a counselor.  That was FIVE months ago and nothing has been done.  I am really glad that she has the option of a counselor at school to talk to.  I am definitely going to look into it more once I hear back from her teacher.  I really tried to stress that I wasn't writing to trash talk C or to pull Mrs. R into the middle, I just wanted her to know what Alex has been going through at home so she could alert me to any changes she saw in her behaviour.
Now I am going to start putting pressure on her parents to get her some medical coverage.  You know, things responsible adults do.  Poor Alex. 
I am happy to report that my relationship with Alex is better than ever.  We are at a super good place where we can enjoy each other and benefit from each other's company.  I feel like I am able to give her the love and support she needs and at the same time enjoy her when she comes over because she is turning into a really fun person to be around.  I thank God for softening my heart to her so that it is becoming more of a mother's heart every day. 

It is now time for me to go to bed.  Thanks for your continued interest in my life!

(Change of Subject)

She is going to look like a different child when her hair comes in!



But my baby ROCKS her mullet! (Yeah, Lilly's TOTALLY jealous;)



Just a quick thought

I am posting this quickly while Alex is in the tub.  We just got back from Michelle's house which was a smash success!  Both of the girls had a blast and got along well with Michelle's kids.  Alex was a little shy at first, but Michelle's oldest girl, Claire got her to open right up with some coloring.  After that she bounced from kid to kid.  Playing with light sabers, swinging on the awesome swing INDOORS (that totally blew Alex's mind), playing air hockey.  As we left she announced it was her new favorite place.  Savannah fit right in too.  She followed the kids around and snuggled up with Claire and didn't want to leave. 
I am thrilled to have a healthy environment for them to play.  A house where there is peace (not without chaos though), security, and love.  I am so excited to surround them with these good examples more and more. 
And we are planning on going back the Thursday after next.  I'm not sure which of us is excited more:)
Being there really highlighted even more the dysfunction that was my life before leaving Chris.  Our house wasn't peaceful.  There wasn't a whole lot of stability for the girls.  I am so thankful things have changed.  At that the majority of their childhood will be in  a more positive environment. 
I have been thinking more and more about the church where I grew up.  I stopped going there because it felt like so much emphasis was on fund-raising, and there were long gaps in between actual services.  I felt like an outsider when I moved back after leaving the military.  But in these hard times I'm going through, it's the relationships with my friends that go to that church that have been the most supportive.  Those are the families I want my girls to be around.  I have always wanted to go where God wants me to be, and it feels like he is drawing me back to that church. 
I like the church I am going to now, but I don't have the lifelong relationships there that I have at the other one.  So unless I am extending myself and working to forge new friendships, I don't get a lot of social interaction.  And with everything else that's going on, sometimes it's just too much work.
I am determined to keep an open mind and hope that God will speak clearly.  And I will humble myself and go where he leads.
I had a fabulous day all in all. The doctor ended up removing one mole to send away for a biopsy.  The rest he said looked fine. 
My talk with the Duke was pretty easy flowing and relaxed and I got help from it.  I was able to talk about my fears of Chris doing something violent and at the same time realize that he seems to be doing better the past week.  Just saying it out loud seemed to make me realize that I don't need to live in fear.  And the Duke pointed out that unlike a lot of the other domestic violence cases, Chris doesn't seem to see me as an evil b+&*h or as an enemy.  He loves Savannah and is attached to her.  He knows I love him still and want him to be happy and healthy.  I feel much better.
I don't have time to go back and make sure this all flows well because I have a girl in the tub calling for me to come wash her hair.  Hopefully it all makes sense.
Hurray for spring being on its way!!!

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

Despite my lack of consistent blogging lately, I am still alive and well.  (Maybe not the best way to put it after that last post...sorry:))  There are 4 things I am excited about tomorrow. 

1. My weekly date with my sister Ruth Anne and my mom for coffee and fresh baked goods.  I think tomorrow is Pumpkin Spice baked doughnuts. YUM!  We get together, the kids play (for the most part...when they aren't fussing or pooping), Ruth Anne usually does the actual baking, but we ALL enjoy the eating!  And with a little coffee kick on the side it all just works.  It really does.

2. A therapy appointment with the Duke.  Now on this one I feel a smidge less excitement than #1.  Although I really like and respect the Duke, sometimes I feel all talked out.  I mean, he knows the story, he's heard how I feel about it, he knows what I worry about with the kids...it just feels repetitive sometimes.  Unless there has been a new development I get a little tongue-tied.  Sometimes I just want HIM to tell ME what he thinks I should be doing.  And how to do as little damage to my kiddos as possible.  I don't do well with long awkward silences while my mind races to think of something brilliant to say.  I know you can't tell from all the fabulous things I have to say on here, but sometimes my mind locks up and begins to operate on repeat.  And then I realize I'm repeating and stop and have nothing to fill the silence so I start coming up with clever things like..."so anyway"..."It's really cold outside today!"..."but it's been really nice to have some sun"..."I like sun"...you get the gist.  I'm looking for him to tell me the advice he would give his own daughter.  The good stuff.

3. This one drops another notch on the fun gauge.  I have an appointment to get some moles biopsied.  I have 2 that have appeared on my toes and one on my shin that is 2 different colors.  The thing about moles on your toes is that it can be REALLY bad.  It could be melanoma and the mole could be just the tip of the iceberg.  And the thing about moles that are multi-colored is it can be REALLY bad and be skin cancer.  And they might have to cut a good sized chunk out to get it all.  Or they could be harmless.  One of the two.  Either way I am relieved to have a certified dermatologist remove them and look at them under a microscope to decide which one it is.  Because frankly, WebMD sucks.  It makes you think you have full blown scarlet fever when maybe all you have is a stomach bug.  It can be dangerous in the wrong hands. 

4. The fun gauge is jumping back up on this one!  I am invited to go to my friend Michelle's house for dinner.  Michelle is someone I grew up with and was in my tight circle of friends.  She was the first of us to get married and then she started having kids and we lost touch.  I was living out of state and single, and it wasn't as natural to hang out all the time.  BUT I was able to talk to her the other night and remember how good it had been when we were more involved in each other's lives.  She is so easy to talk to  and so sincere.  She has been through some trials of her own and has grown from them.  In other words, a VERY good influence;)  I am determined to nurture the relationships with all my girl friends so that my life is full even as a single mother.  Plus I want Savannah to grow up knowing all the people that are important to me and for her to be surrounded by strong, godly women.

So that is my day tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it. 
As a side note, the last few times I have talked to C, it seems like he is doing better!  He said he had a cleaning day at the house which is a good sign.  He took Alex down to see his grandma and get out of the house, which is also good.  Thank you so much for your prayers.  He also said he would pray for my moles...which I think might have been a joke, but the fact that he is joking and that he isn't angry at God is all really good.  Hurray!