Fear

Here's a little disclaimer for this post:  I was really on the fence on whether to put this out there or not.  Since this is a blog about my life and this is what I am feeling right now, I am going to post it.  With trepidation.

 

 

fear

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

 

Lately I have been having a lot of fear.  It seems like several times a week there is a new story on the news about a husband who has decided to end his wife's life.  Sometimes taking his own after, and sometimes trying to hide her body and continue living his life.  The scary part is I feel like I could easily become one of those victims on the news. 

Ever since I have known C, I have sensed an undercurrent of danger about him.  It was this that caused me to break up with him when we were dating.  But I eventually told myself I was imagining things.  Throughout our marriage he has never laid a rough hand on me.  It is not beatings that I am fearful of, it is death.  It takes no stretch of my imagination to envision C killing the girls and I and then himself.  I have no concrete evidence towards this.  He has never threatened it.  When we were still living together, I voiced my fear that he would one day kill me, and he laughed it off saying he would NEVER hurt me.  But there is some small instinct in the middle of my gut that refuses to be silenced.  It will not be convinced that I am safe.  I am not given over to hysterics normally.  I have never felt in danger from anyone I have dated before.  The closest I have come to this feeling happened when I was stationed in Guam. 

 I was working the night shift and most of my friends were working the day shift, so I had a lot of time during the day to explore the island and lay out in the warm tropical sun.  One day (Palm Sunday) I visited the beach closest to the base.  It was deserted as far as the eye could see and I gleefully rolled out my towel, stuck my earphones in my ears and drifted off.  Suddenly I got an uneasy feeling and peeked out from behind my sunglasses to see a man squatting next to me.  My stomach dropped as I realized I was completely alone with him.  There was absolutely no one to save me if I needed it.  I tried to remain calm on the outside even as my heart was pounding.  He looked at me and asked if he could put suntan lotion on me.  I tried to smile like it was no big deal and said No thanks.  My mind was racing to think of ways to defend myself.  I had my small, chunky walkman in one hand and wondered how much damage I could do swinging it.  The man continued to squat beside me, looking at my bikini clad body.  In the very core of my being I KNEW I was about to be raped.  There was not a doubt in my mind.  I couldn't believe I was going to become a victim.  He sat staring quietly at me for an eternity and then asked again if he could put lotion on me.  Just then I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  I saw a young family appear, gathering palm fronds for Palm Sunday.  They were all the angels I needed.  I jumped up, grabbed my stuff together and took off towards them.  I made it to the parking lot, got in my car and NEVER went to a beach alone again. 

It is that feeling of impending doom that I have begun to feel lately.  Each time I see C, it's as if his depression is burying him a little more.  There is no joy in his eyes.  There is no hope of life.  Just despair and hopelessness.  My heart breaks for him in the same breath it sends  a prayer up, begging God that if C decides to end his life, that he will do it alone.

God has saved me before from certain danger.  And this is His promise to me:

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

And that is what I quote to myself, over and over, as I am lying in bed in the middle of the night unable to sleep from the knots in my stomach. 

I don't know what His plan is for me.  I do know that people are murdered every day.  And while that may not be God's will, it does happen.  People have evil in them and act on it. 

My main prayer is that He will look after Savannah and take care of her and fill her life with love and goodness.  One of my biggest fears is that she will be left here to be raised by C.  But just like the money God puts in my pocket, I have to realize she doesn't belong to me.  She has been put in my keeping by God, but ultimately she belongs to Him.  He knows the number of her days.  And He has prepared a place for her beside Him.  And she and I will have all eternity together, no matter if our days here are cut short.

I would appreciate any and all prayers you can send our way.  Pray for healing for C's mind and that he would seek out the help he needs.  Pray for safety for us all.  And pray that I would get everything out of this time that I am meant to. 

These girls need me.

And I need her.



And her.