Fear

Here's a little disclaimer for this post:  I was really on the fence on whether to put this out there or not.  Since this is a blog about my life and this is what I am feeling right now, I am going to post it.  With trepidation.

 

 

fear

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

 

Lately I have been having a lot of fear.  It seems like several times a week there is a new story on the news about a husband who has decided to end his wife's life.  Sometimes taking his own after, and sometimes trying to hide her body and continue living his life.  The scary part is I feel like I could easily become one of those victims on the news. 

Ever since I have known C, I have sensed an undercurrent of danger about him.  It was this that caused me to break up with him when we were dating.  But I eventually told myself I was imagining things.  Throughout our marriage he has never laid a rough hand on me.  It is not beatings that I am fearful of, it is death.  It takes no stretch of my imagination to envision C killing the girls and I and then himself.  I have no concrete evidence towards this.  He has never threatened it.  When we were still living together, I voiced my fear that he would one day kill me, and he laughed it off saying he would NEVER hurt me.  But there is some small instinct in the middle of my gut that refuses to be silenced.  It will not be convinced that I am safe.  I am not given over to hysterics normally.  I have never felt in danger from anyone I have dated before.  The closest I have come to this feeling happened when I was stationed in Guam. 

 I was working the night shift and most of my friends were working the day shift, so I had a lot of time during the day to explore the island and lay out in the warm tropical sun.  One day (Palm Sunday) I visited the beach closest to the base.  It was deserted as far as the eye could see and I gleefully rolled out my towel, stuck my earphones in my ears and drifted off.  Suddenly I got an uneasy feeling and peeked out from behind my sunglasses to see a man squatting next to me.  My stomach dropped as I realized I was completely alone with him.  There was absolutely no one to save me if I needed it.  I tried to remain calm on the outside even as my heart was pounding.  He looked at me and asked if he could put suntan lotion on me.  I tried to smile like it was no big deal and said No thanks.  My mind was racing to think of ways to defend myself.  I had my small, chunky walkman in one hand and wondered how much damage I could do swinging it.  The man continued to squat beside me, looking at my bikini clad body.  In the very core of my being I KNEW I was about to be raped.  There was not a doubt in my mind.  I couldn't believe I was going to become a victim.  He sat staring quietly at me for an eternity and then asked again if he could put lotion on me.  Just then I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  I saw a young family appear, gathering palm fronds for Palm Sunday.  They were all the angels I needed.  I jumped up, grabbed my stuff together and took off towards them.  I made it to the parking lot, got in my car and NEVER went to a beach alone again. 

It is that feeling of impending doom that I have begun to feel lately.  Each time I see C, it's as if his depression is burying him a little more.  There is no joy in his eyes.  There is no hope of life.  Just despair and hopelessness.  My heart breaks for him in the same breath it sends  a prayer up, begging God that if C decides to end his life, that he will do it alone.

God has saved me before from certain danger.  And this is His promise to me:

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

And that is what I quote to myself, over and over, as I am lying in bed in the middle of the night unable to sleep from the knots in my stomach. 

I don't know what His plan is for me.  I do know that people are murdered every day.  And while that may not be God's will, it does happen.  People have evil in them and act on it. 

My main prayer is that He will look after Savannah and take care of her and fill her life with love and goodness.  One of my biggest fears is that she will be left here to be raised by C.  But just like the money God puts in my pocket, I have to realize she doesn't belong to me.  She has been put in my keeping by God, but ultimately she belongs to Him.  He knows the number of her days.  And He has prepared a place for her beside Him.  And she and I will have all eternity together, no matter if our days here are cut short.

I would appreciate any and all prayers you can send our way.  Pray for healing for C's mind and that he would seek out the help he needs.  Pray for safety for us all.  And pray that I would get everything out of this time that I am meant to. 

These girls need me.

And I need her.



And her.



 

Baby Blue

So sorry for the long break in posting.  I have been spending the majority of my time with my dear, sweet, sister, Ruth Anne.  Her husband is working out of town Mon-Thur for much of the foreseeable future and so us single moms have been hanging out.  I love it. 

Here is the breaking news on the car situation...I got a new one!:)  It was way more of an emotional thing than I had any idea it would be.  My friend M and I went car shopping together and to make a looong story short there was excitement, then horror, then tears, then hopelessness, then hope, then humbling and the final product was a 2010 Toyota Corolla....

She is beautiful.  And so smart!  Just kidding.  I totally feel like this is the perfect car for me.  It's not flashy, it doesn't have a lot of bells and whistles, but it has everything that I need.  The main things being all the safety features and excellent gas mileage.  And with less than 29,000 miles, she will be with me for a long time.  Welcome to the family Baby Blue!  (She is actually dark grey, but when I first saw her she looked really dark grayish blue and the name has stuck.)

And because of the way God had things fall into place, despite my bankruptcy, I had the opportunity to get a loan with 2.9% interest rate. Unheard of! 

In other news, I have finished my round on HCG.  Not my finest round, but I did manage to slough off 13 more pounds.  Now the key is getting my body to establish this as a new normal so it doesn't creep back on and force me to re-lose the same pounds over and over.

Tomorrow I am doing my taxes, sending the paperwork to the bankruptcy trustee and hopefully closing out this whole bankruptcy chapter of my life. 

I apologize for this lackluster post.  I guess I need crisis to write well.  Regardless I am hoping to get back into posting more often and hopefully the creative juices will flow once more.

I hope you are all doing well.  You can think of me tomorrow as I enjoy an unscheduled day off work.  Woohoo!

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Well, it's happened.  My faithful Honda now belongs to another family. 

I will miss you Red.  You were always good to me.  You traveled with me from California, across the seas to Guam.  From Guam to Texas and then the long drive up to Ohio, across to Washington, and home to Oregon.  We've seen a lot of places.  You've been through blizzards and scorching heat.  You've had your window smashed out not once but twice by thoughtless thugs.  You drove me to upstate New York for the funeral of a friend who died too young.  You were a constant in my life and I will miss you.  I think your new owner will treat you well.  When he looked you over and poked and prodded, I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing.  He was respectful of you and spoke kindly to you.  He was impressed by your anti-theft system.  He approved of your timeless choice of cherry red.  He promised to treat you well. 
Good bye Red.  May your oil be changed regularly and cracker crumbs never fill your seat cracks. (again).
Amen.
Let us take a moment to remember Red...

Thank you.

In other news, I was UP a pound today.  Now how that is possible I can't exactly say.  I used hand cream yesterday, but one pound still seems excessive.  I just stepped on the scale tonight and unless the weight loss fairy does some heavy duty work tonight, it's not looking good for my weigh-in tomorrow.  I might be headed for an apple day. 

Now I can begin to look in earnest for a car.  I appreciate your prayers that the right one for me would present itself. 

I am going to go now and morn the loss of Red a little more.  Good night.

Happy Days Are Here Again

It's been a little while since my last post and I wanted to let you all know that I am doing quite well.
I have been on my diet for 10 days and lost about 8 pounds.  Usually by this time all I can think about is food and what I will eat once I get off the diet.  I have super intense cravings that make it hard to complete a round of HCG.  I am using a different brand of drops this time and the guy at the health food store said they were supposed to be stronger and that he had heard good things about them.  I will definitely use this brand in all future rounds of HCG.  It's so nice to not have to struggle through each hour of each day while on the diet.
 I also started back on Prozac 3 days ago.  It usually takes a couple weeks for it to get into your system, but I am already feeling so much better.  I think it might be from seeing the scale go down and from getting all the sugary, processed foods out of my body.
In other news, my car was diagnosed with an $1100 dollar problem.  I had wondered if exhaust was coming into the cabin, and the mechanic said it probably was, and to drive with the windows cracked.  When I told C about it, he said the manifold had been cracked for years and that he had tried to seal it up several times, but it gets so hot nothing would hold.  This got me to wondering if some of the brain fog I have experienced throughout the years is from toxins I've been breathing in while driving.  Yuck.  I think once I am off the diet I am going to do the 2 week cleanse.  It should be pretty simple since my body will already be used to eating whole foods and won't have to go into sugar/caffeine withdrawal.  Hopefully that will get out at least some of the unwanted toxins.  It's supposed to cleanse all different systems in the body.
I had been on the fence about selling the car.  I didn't know if I should just tough it out with a 2 door (getting Savannah into her car seat is quite the production) and save up money or if I should trade it in and get a newer car.  I just got all my debt wiped out in the bankruptcy and I thought maybe I should just use what I had and enjoy being debt free.  And then I found out the car has a crack in the manifold and it could be hurting Savannah and I. 
It caused all kinds of unrest for me.  I put it on craigslist and got a bunch of replies, but when I called people they didn't call back. And then at church today Pastor Ben talked about the widow who was heard because of her persistence.  He said to think about the thing that was bothering you and picture yourself giving that worry to God.  And to keep praying until something happened.  I felt silly praying about the car when there is so much bigger stuff going on in my life, but that was something that had been causing me worry.  I just prayed that God would let things fall into place.  If he wanted me to keep driving the car, I would, and when I had driven it long enough it would be sold.
I just checked my email and have more potential buyers that have replied.  I let them all know they can look at the car tomorrow and if they show up, good. If not, that's fine too.  I have made God aware of my needs.  He has already provided me with temporary transportation should the car sell.  My friend Mariya has an extra truck no one was using and she has kindly agreed to lend it to me.  I feel weird with Savannah in the front seat, but I am able to turn the airbag off.
I feel like the last few weeks have been really rough for me.  It felt like everything that could go wrong, was going wrong.  Even the small stuff was piling up.  I don't know why, but I feel like there has been a shift.  A weight has lifted off me and it feels like the clouds are starting to roll away.
I think even Savannah has felt it.  She has gone from this..



Saaaad



To this...



Happy:)

She has been so much fun lately.  I can't even put into words how much fun.  She is saying more things, copying me, and developing such a cool personality.  I am not exaggerating when I say she already has great comedic timing.  She makes these facial expressions that have me cracking up.  Unfortunately as soon as I pull out the camera she is too busy trying to see what I'm looking at in the camera to act natural.  I am so glad she is the baby I got to have.
So once again I am going to end by thanking God from the bottom of my heart for the blessings he has given me.  He is taking care of me just like he promised he would.

Letting Go

I feel like every post lately has been about the divorce.  But that's because my life has been revolving around the divorce, what needs to be done, the paperwork that needs to be filed, what C's reaction will be to everything, wondering how long it will take...the list goes on and on.
Here's how it stands thus far... I hadn't heard anything from the sheriff's office about whether they had successfully served C the paperwork or not.  I finally asked C and he said he had gotten them and WHY DID I WANT TO KNOW? And then he hung up the phone. Huh. I  got queasy and wondered if this was the end of the denial and if his anger would start showing.  I think the question just caught him off guard and it took a minute for him to rebuild his pretend world where there is no divorce going on and where I am temporarily moved out because he spent some money he shouldn't have. 
From what I understand he has 30 days to respond to the terms I asked for.  After that it is another 60 days for the courts to decide whether they will grant my request for dissolution of the marriage.
I went to a mandatory class on Saturday.  It was called COPE and is for divorcing couples with children.  It was 4 hours long and was pretty interesting.  The instructor said something that gave me hope for Alex.  She said that as long as a child has 1 good, positive adult in their life they will survive.  I was so worried about the parents she was dealt and the environment of lies and secrets she lives in. 
HOLD THE PHONE!
I just read the last sentence I wrote and realized I am so stressed and worried because I am trying to fix everything by myself!  I am trying to make things better and work the situation and be the big boss in control.  But I am NOT in control.  I am like Martha, worried about so many things.  Just consciously realizing that I am not in charge and that God is more than capable to take care of EVERYTHING has allowed me to breathe easier.  The tightness in my chest is starting to loosen. 
I have been so worried lately that if something happened to me, C would get Savannah.  It's pretty strange to go from thinking you had picked such a good dad for your daughter to wanting to do anything in your power to make sure he isn't the one allowed to raise her.
But even in that situation, God is in control.  He knows the number of my days.  He knows my need and the needs of my children. 
I have been sadly lacking in the area of coming to Him with my needs.  It is so deeply ingrained in my nature to try to fix things in my own power.  To take care of myself and not need help from anyone else.  It's completely backward.  God has provided me with a strong, supportive family both at church and at home.  His word is a light unto my path.  To ignore it would be like holding a flashlight in the pitch black wilderness and not turning it on. 
I thank Him for the blessings in my life.  For my family and my daughters and the friends He has given me.  I am thankful for my steady job.  I am thankful that no matter how many times I start to drift off into my own strength, He is faithfully there to guide me again.
I am going to consciously place my thoughts on things above, not on the things here below.  I know He will finish this work He has started in me.  He will mold me into His image as I am faithful in my situations.  My greatest desire is to become a tree of life that bears all of the fruits of the spirit. 

And then life intervened...

Hmmm...how do I break this to you all?...Remember my last post? The one where I was going to do a cleanse? And exercise every day? ...it hasn't really worked out that way.  But don't worry!  I'm still not one of the masses of impulsive people who fall to the wayside after tiring of the healthy lifestyle. 
Monday I took the first capsule for the cleanse system I got. You are supposed to take one in the morning and then one at night.   And eat whole foods.  I was doing great, but had a headache that seemed to come and go throughout the day.  It started to worsen towards the end of the day and by the time I left work it was a full-blown migraine.  I got Savannah and then drove home with a plastic bag on my lap feeling like I was going to vomit any minute. 
I felt shaky and weak and was so scared I was going to pass out while driving.  I finally made it home and got Savannah inside and I laid on the floor while giving her a dinner of spoonfuls of peanut butter, slices of apple, and cheerios.  Please don't call child welfare services.  I promise this isn't a usual dinner for her.  She totally seemed to enjoy it though.  Then I proceeded to throw up in a bowl.  It was so surreal because I didn't want to freak her out, so between heaves I would look up at her worried face and grin like "isn't this so much fun???"  Totally psychotic.  She kept pulling the bowl trying to see what was in it.  Not my most favorite night ever. 
After surviving the night (which I wasn't at all sure I would do) I felt much better in the morning.  Unfortunately on that day, Derill went running before I was able to get to the park. I secretly didn't mind but we both promised to keep working on a time that worked for both of us.
On Wednesday I actually made it to the park, but couldn't get ahold of Derill and after having read a story about a woman getting attacked in THAT VERY PARK on New Years Day and after seeing several homeless men walk by in the dark I decided there was no way I was going to put myself and Savannah in danger by walking it by ourselves.  So away we went to home.  TODAY however, was different.  I had an appointment with the VA to get back on Prozac (which I will get to in a minute) and C offered to watch Savannah for that.  Which allowed me to meet up with Derill after my appointment and WE ACTUALLY WALKED.  That's right...it actually happened.  And it was wonderful and glorious and just like the good old days.  Minus the running.  But I'm sure that will come in time.  It felt good to be moving and to catch up on each other's lives. 
I have also decided to forgo the cleanse and jump back into another round of HCG.  I am still a little if-fy thinking maybe I should wait and see what the walking will do for me before doing the drastic diet.  I also don't want to kick my body into starvation mode by working out more than the low calories can tolerate.  But I figure that walking is light exercise and I should be fine to do both.  And hopefully by doing the walking it will help me stay motivated while on the diet.  So tomorrow I am going to start taking the drops but instead of binging, I will just eat like I normally do, maybe throw in an extra fast food but not get out of hand.  I don't want to gain tons on my binge days and have to start off by losing it before I get into the stuff I really want gone.  (If you are reading this and don't know what I'm talking about, you can Google HCG diet to see what it's all about.  It's a low calorie diet that is for a short period of time but that keeps the weight off for good).
All in all I am happy with the way things are going so far.  I still feel confident that I am starting an exercise program that will be permanent and will increase in intensity over time.
I had two therapy appointments today.  One with The Duke and one with the VA.  In my last session with The Duke he invited me to bring Savannah to my next meeting with him.  I had shown him pictures of her before and he seemed genuinely interested in her.  Cause he's cool like that.  Anyway, I brought her today and although we didn't get a lot of talking done because we were busy staring in awe at the glory that is Savannah, I think he really got a kick out of her.  He told  me he used to do therapy programs for children and I think he misses it.  Now he has seminars where he teaches about children's therapy.  He totally played with her and wanted to know what words she says and how she's sleeping and if she's teething.  It was fun to show him that side of my life.  She is normally pretty shy around strangers and although she stayed on the same couch as me, she chattered away to him and did her tricks (pointing to the parts of her face as we named them, repeating words after us like shoe and hat and duck, playing peekaboo...you get the idea.)
They were both very at ease with each other which made me even more glad for my choice in therapists.
My second appointment was this evening.  The nurse practitioner I talk to is named Betty and I've gone to her for several years but usually only every 6 months to a year.  She is super down to earth and blunt but not in a mean way at all.  I really like her.  She is a good listener and responds appropriately.  Sounds simple, but it really means a lot when you are baring your soul to someone.
She was aware of some of the problems with C I've had over the years, but the major stuff like his using my credit cards I hadn't told her.  Mostly because of her bluntness and my need to defend him at that point.
Today I laid the whole story out for her.  Her jaw was literally hanging open for most of it.  When I told her about finding the suicide notes she leaned forward and looked me in the eye and said "Those were his ace in the holes that he had ready to pull out when he needed them.  He is a CON ARTIST". 
She was super supportive and kept telling me that she could say with absolute certainty that I was going to be just fine.  I would land on my feet and this would NEVER happen to me again.  She said I was tough as nails.  She applauded the action I had already taken and the swiftness in executing it.  (It DID all happen really fast.  I can't believe things came to a head only 3 1/2 months ago.)  In short, she was a one man cheering squad.  It was just what I needed.  To hear from the mouth of a professional that I handled things the right way and that the things that happened were not my fault.  She emphasized that he has had years to perfect the art of lying and his ability to read people and find where they are vulnerable.  She also said that it is my personality to want to fix things and make things better for people.  But the fact that I have Savannah to protect will ensure that I never get into that kind of relationship again.  And she is totally right.  There is no way I am going to get involved with a fixer-upper.  Any person I bring into her life is going to be good, and kind, and honest, and secure in their relationship with God as well as their finances and employment. 
I am so grateful that God has brought these two therapists into my life.  There are a LOT of them out there.  And I've had my share of bad ones, but right when I needed them the most, God brought the perfect ones for me and my situation. 
So far this year is looking much better than last already.  I feel like I am on a good path that will lead to good things.  I hope you all are feeling the same.
I will do a post with more pictures once I get my camera back from my mom.  My sneaky little brother borrowed it  and "forgot" to give it back.  Hmmmm....likely story.
For now good night and Happy Friday!

Warning: HUGE cliche ahead

It's a new year.  The time when the gyms start to bulge at the seams with people and resolutions.  Diet pills, books, and food fly off the shelves.  Everyone sees this time as the perfect opportunity to get the body they have always wanted.  Within 9 weeks most will sadly be back to their old lives.  At least until next January.  Or maybe the start of swimsuit season. 
I must confess, I too am going to hop on the New Year's lose-weight/get-in-shape-resolution bandwagon.  I am down about 25 lbs from my all-time highest, but still have at least 35 lbs to go.  Here's what makes me different from all the other New Year's resolutionists...
1. On New Year's Eve I received a sign.  I was in Wal-mart shopping for dutch apple pie, vanilla ice cream, tortilla chips, and powdered doughnuts.  I'm not even kidding about that.  That was my entire shopping list.  I was in the ice cream aisle trying to decide what brand of vanilla to get when I heard my name being called.  And no, it wasn't the voice of God.  It was my friend Derril who I hadn't seen since I was pregnant with Savannah (about 2 years).  The weird part is, the week before I had been thinking about Derril and wondering if I should track down his number.  I just kind of put it out of my mind.  But fate intervened.  Here's the thing about Derril.  He was the best jogging partner I ever had.  I normally do not go jogging with anyone.  It's too hard to find someone with the same pace and stamina (or lack of stamina as the case may be when starting off).  People can be flaky and decide not to go or whine when they do show up.  It was always easier to just run by myself.  And then I met Derril.  I can't even remember how we started running together, but I DO remember we were both in horrible shape.  There is a bark dust trail at a local park that we decided was the perfect spot for our new regime.  It has hills and dips and is a big enough loop that you don't feel like you are just going in circles, but can still keep track of the distance you are running.  We ran together for probably 1 1/2 years and got really in shape.  Our runs got longer and faster and it felt SO good to have bodies that were where they should be.
Then I met C and he didn't like the idea of me running with another man.  He was jealous of my time with Derril and so I stopped running.  And proceeded to gain 60 lbs in the following 3 years. 
Now here comes Derril, walking up the ice cream aisle like the angel of fitness. 
I caught him up on all the drama and found out he now lives in West Salem and walks a loop that goes across the bridge and around the Riverfront Park before returning.  He has been doing this in the morning and evening and has found it is enough to keep him from gaining weight and allows him to not be restrictive in his diet.  We agreed that in the evenings after picking Savannah up I would stick her in the stroller and walk the loop with him.  He then looked at what was in my cart and said NO. and walked away.  He might have even waggled his finger at me.
I am so excited about this.  Ridiculously so.  Finally I have an accountability partner.  It's not jogging, which is just fine for now.  I haven't been active for so long, I need to start slower.  It will be a chance to give Savannah some fresh air and vent/chat.
2. Ok.  The second reason I know this will succeed for me is because along with increasing my exercise, I am increasing my whole foods intake and doing a 2 week cleanse...

and cutting out all sugars, processed foods, and meat during this two weeks.  At the end of the cleanse I plan to do a round of HCG. 

I have come up with a meal plan for the first week and made a huge pot of beans tonight that will be lunch throughout the week.  Each morning I am having steel cut oats with blueberries and cinnamon for breakfast, and fruit and fresh veggies for snacks throughout the day.  I will also be starting the walking tomorrow which should help move things along.

3. My third reason for guaranteed future success is I have an appointment on Thursday to see my VA psychiatrist and talk about getting back on Prozac. 

You may not know this, but Prozac is actually used to treat obesity.  Here's a little clip I took from an on-line information website.  FYI the generic name for Prozac is fluoxetine.

Fluoxetine is also sometimes used to treat alcoholism, attention-deficit disorder, borderline personality disorder, sleep disorders, headaches, mental illness, posttraumatic stress disorder, Tourette's syndrome, obesity, sexual problems, and phobias

I don't know if the people are obese because they are depressed and eating, but either way it benefits me.  A happier Liz is one that exercises.  And a Liz that exercises is not obese.  Win/win!  

Once I have made some noticeable headway I will post some before and after pics.  Not yet though.  I am so embarrassed about the way I look right now.  But it feels good to have a plan and to feel strong enough mentally to carry it out.

 

Also...still no word from C on whether he was served the papers or if  he had anything to say about the provisions I put down.  I think it will be REALLY helpful to be in the process of getting a healthier body when the divorce is finalized.  Otherwise it just might do me in.

I hope you all are doing well and full of hope for the new year ahead!