K is for Knife to the heart

I thought things were going pretty well lately.  I thought that C and I were getting along great for a divorced couple.  We could joke together, discuss the kids, make scheduling arrangements with no arguing.  It seemed like things were going as perfectly as could be expected.
And then on Saturday I picked Alex up and in the car she accidentally let it slip that C has a girlfriend.  And that she has been spending the night at the house.  And that she has been there when Savannah was there.  And to top it off he told her not to tell me about it.  When she made her slip and I started questioning her a little closer, she covered her face with her hands and said "Daddy told me not to tell you."  She begged me not to tell C that she had let me in on his secret.  To say that I am furious, and heartbroken and devastated is putting it mildly.  I think under normal circumstances it would have been difficult to hear he was dating again.  He is someone I thought I was going to be with until I was old and gray.  To hear that he is continuing to be lying and deceitful and to drag Alex into it and force her to lie to her mom is what puts me over the edge.  And THEN to realize Savannah has been around this stranger is just about to much for me to handle.  Alex said Savannah is afraid of the girl so she takes her into her room when the girl is there.
Turns out he has been seeing L for awhile.  And L just turned 22 last month.  And L has been sleeping with him while Alex was in the house....the house that is in my name and that I have been letting him live in rent free for the last 8 months. 
I was so livid I rented a U-haul and went to the house on Sunday to remove every last thing I might want so I never have to go back there again.  I let C know he would no longer be watching Savannah on Fridays or have her over for sleep overs. In fact, he wouldn't have her alone from now on.  I pointed out the fact that I had a specific rule put into our divorce contract saying if either of us started dating and bringing someone around the kids, we had to let the other know. 
After the shock of finding out the real reason he has been so overly eager to bring the girls to me, rather than have me come to him, I walked around with a pit in my stomach.  Even now as I am sitting here this pit is threatening to swallow me up.  I have been praying and praying.  I don't even know what to pray for though.  It says in the Bible that it is better for a man to have a millstone hung around his neck and be drowned than to cause a child to stumble.  The things C is putting Alex through are so serious.  And no matter what I said and how I begged him to let her live with me so he could do whatever he wanted, it was like there was a wall and I couldn't reach him.
At work on Monday (Day 3 of the pit in my stomach) I decided to google "compulsive liar" which brought me to the definition of sociopath which brought me to the webpage...Love Fraud which is written by a woman who married a sociopath.  This is what caught my eye:

Beware the sociopath
No heart, no conscience, no remorse

I married a con man—a man who I now consider to be a sociopath. I didn't know anything about sociopaths when I said, "I do." Well, I learned about sociopaths (also called psychopaths) the hard way.

In fact, I've written a book about how it all happened. It's called Love Fraud-How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan.

I thought I was marrying a successful businessman, James Montgomery. It turned out I was his business. He took all my money and left me seriously in debt.


I found out, far too late, that my husband had a history of defrauding women. I also found out he's not alone.

Experts estimate that 1% to 4% of the population are sociopaths, depending upon whom you ask. That means there may be 3 million to 12 million sociopaths in the United States, and 68 million to 272 million sociopaths worldwide. What's worse, as adults, sociopathic men and women cannot be rehabilitated. Once a sociopath, always a sociopath.

Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They don't worry about paying bills. They think nothing of lying, cheating and stealing. In extreme cases, sociopaths can be serial rapists and serial killers.

Think you can spot a sociopath? Think again. Sociopaths often blend easily into society. They're entertaining and fun at parties. They appear to be intelligent, charming, well-adjusted and likable. The key word is "appear." Because for sociopaths it's all an illusion, designed to convince you to give them what they want.

Sociopaths are masters of manipulation.


Want to know some of the things our husbands have in common?
1. We were both married for 2 1/2 years
2. Her husband was married again within 4 weeks.  It was his 2nd time committing bigamy.  My husband has also committed bigamy twice.
3. Both did not pay bills.
4. Her husband didn't experience guilt or remorse for bankrupting her. Neither did mine.


I was astounded.  On one hand it was so good to hear that I wasn't the only one experiencing this, on the other hand it made me realize how bad things really were.

If you want to get a better idea of the man I married I will include this link. VERY interesting.It is basically a word for word description of C (also known as a word for word description of a psychopath!)  What a wake up call.  To realize he will not change and I should not waste anymore time trying to make him understand why what he did was wrong.  Short of a miracle, he will be this way for the rest of his life.
And when I remember this is the man I chose to be the father of my children, it makes me want to crumble.  It makes me think back on all his suicide threats and shock myself by sort of wishing he would just do it.  Even though I now KNOW it was all part of the illusion.
I have tried texting Alex's mom to see if she will help me work to get Alex to be with me more often, if not permanently.  She has not replied.  It is at this point I remember (silly human that I am, it took me this long) that I am not the one holding the reins.  God was in control and aware of the situation and he still is.  He has an incredible love for children and perhaps this was his way of connecting Alex and I so she would have someone good in her life.  I have many times prayed that God would make me a useful servant.  Who am I to question him now?
I know this isn't the end of the struggle for me.  It was so incredibly hard to realize that while C meant the world to me, I was just a blip on his screen.  He could take me or leave me.  I was that insignificant.  Ouch.
It has also made me realize I might never be in a relationship again.  I don't know what God has in store, but right now even the glimmer of a thought of one day trying again strikes terror in me.  And when I say terror, I am not speaking lightly.  I get a nauseous feeling, the pit returns to my stomach, my heart drops, and I feel on the verge of a panic attack.
I am just starting to see what a deep, profound effect this has had on me.