I don't know where I am going to go with this post.  All I know is that my depression has gotten so bad I feel like I am walking around in a shell.  If I crack and  show any emotion it brings me to tears, literally.  I have cried 4 or 5 times today alone.  I feel so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to take care of my girls and I feel in over my head.  My weight is ballooning up, my house is littered with laundry, dishes, papers...the bathroom is filthy, fruit flies are multiplying faster than I can kill them in the kitchen, and I feel useless to make things right.  I was rear-ended on Easter and there was minor damage.  My car insurance is telling me I will have to pay even though I was not the one in the wrong.  They say they have never heard of the insurance company the other lady had.  I was able to find it on Google in about 12 seconds.  They say I MAY be reimbursed if they can track them down.  I bought a groupon for yard service and they were supposed to come on Monday to do it.  It still hasn't been done.  I feel like every little thing is a chore and like the world is against me.  Nothing seems to go smoothly.  I am tired of having to follow up on everything and fight for every small thing.  I have gift certificates for Create-a-Memory, a mani-pedi, and a bikini wax (ha).  I have no sitter to make use of them.  There is no one to lean on, no one to share the burden.  A single word from C and Alex is on cloud 9, all past hurts forgotten.  Then reality sets in and I have to weather the storm of her disappointment, confusion, and sadness.  She doesn't want to be here with me.  She wants to be with him.  And I don't blame her. I am no fun to be around.  I am moody and stressed and quick to jump on her about her homework, housework, etc.  Savannah has been really emotional. Quick to cry (wonder where she gets that), quick to yell, quick to whine.  She used to be so easy going and happy.   I am sure this is a part of being 2, almost 3.  
I am so overwhelmed by LIFE.  I want a do-over.  I want to run away.  I want to forget my "responsibilities".  Let someone else pick up the pieces.  Even as I sit here I feel guilt for not having a good dinner on the table every night.  And for not keeping a clean house.  Savannah is eating chicken nuggets for dinner (again) and Alex made herself a sandwich.  What kind of mom am I???  I don't know how to do it.  I don't know how to be a good mom and get everything done.  I want to lock the doors of my house and not come out for a week (or ten).
I have guilt that I have worn out my welcome at my mom's from staying over and eating dinner when I was supposed to just pick Alex up.  I have guilt for not paying her for watching Alex after school.  I feel anger that all the financial burden always comes back to me. 
I know these are probably all things in my flesh that need to be put to death, but from the pit I'm sitting in I don't even know how to start.  I feel like I can't even see the light at the top.
I am so consumed with guilt and self loathing and I am so TIRED.
And what is my coping mechanism for  all this?  To eat.  To shovel as much in my mouth as I can, as fast as I can.  It doesn't matter what it is, if it's not nailed down, it goes down my throat.  And the pit grows deeper.
So on that super fun note, I am going to sign off.  I will be back the instant things get better to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  As soon as I see it.

I feel I need to add an addendum to this.  I know I will get an indignant response from my sister, Ruth Anne saying I can call her anytime to babysit.  And the answer is NO.  With your back and pelvis problems, added to your impending delivery and current load of children, NO.