Another one bites the dust

I am thankful for this blog (even though I don't post nearly as much as I would like myself to.) because 1. it allows me to update all the people that really matter (here's your chance to feel like a VIP) and 2. I think it will be an aid to my faulty memory of how things transpired the last few years.  Here is my next installment of the Smith Family Saga.

On Friday I got a text from C's mother saying C and Alex were now living with her and she thought I would be happy to know Alex was with her and that she would work on getting C to come up and see Savannah. And could I PLEASE not tell C that she told me they were living with her?
Let me stop there to address a few things.  1. What is wrong with the picture of her having to convince C to come to see his own daughter?  Does she think that is normal?  2. Where did she get the impression I want him to come see his daughter?  His daughter hasn't seen him since Mother's Day and has now taken to calling him "Alex's dad".  She doesn't have a connection to him and that is for the best! and 3. This is a 50 something year old woman feeling obliged to keep it a secret that her son has ruined another relationship and run home to his mom and wants ME to be in on the secret too??? 
I took a deep breath and reminded her that Alex is still registered for school up here and could she work on C a little to convince him it would be better for her to be with her STABLE mom and sister instead of living in a three two bedroom/one over sized closet duplex with 3 large adults, her dad, 2 dogs, and a gaggle of cats.  Tough sell. 
I also took the liberty of sending a text to the only number I had for Leslie (C's most recently expired girlfriend) telling her if she wanted any of his past history I would be happy to talk to her.  I admit I partly texted out of curiosity regarding the story behind the demise of their relationship, but I also remembered how confusing it was when my marriage ended and I was trying to figure out the truth from the lies.  I figured I could fill her in on things I had to research to find out about C.
Leslie's mom called me back right away (she was the one with the phone I texted) and asked if she could talk to me.  Turns out C is a creature of habit.  He took Leslie's company credit card and went shopping at the Home Depot.  When confronted, he denied and denied until the evidence was in his face and then attempted to come up with justifications of why it was ok for him to do it.  I also found out Leslie's mom had worked to get him odd jobs with several of her friends only to have him not do the work, or do the work, get paid with a check and suddenly there is attempted fraud on the very account listed on the check.
I talked with Leslie's mom for quite awhile and it was amazing how similar C's pattern of behaviour was.  He still starts talking suicide if found out in a lie (to deflect the attention and cause the accuser to pity him), he is still able to cry on cue (even while continuing to lie), and he still just flits away in the end thinking nothing will follow him.  Hopefully this time he is wrong.  I gave Leslie's mom his address to make it easier for the police to find him.  Because it was a company card there was a police report filed and Leslie will probably lose her job.  I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg and lots more will come out before it is all over.  In the meantime C is continuing to bully his way into his mom's house and make everyone jump when he commands it.
And his mom wants me to be relieved that Alex is living there? I think not.  She became quite defensive when assuring me it was best for Alex to stay with her and that she would keep Alex safe and make sure she went to bed early and had a good schedule.  It's hard for a 9 year old to go to bed early when she has no bedroom and all 4 adults in the house stay up late watching tv because they are all unemployed.  I reminded her she didn't have a working car to get Alex to school but she assured me she could use her mom's car.  (I would like to take this time to remind you we are talking about a woman in her 50's telling me she can use her mom's car to take Alex to school every day. Ridiculous.)  I finally had to stop replying because I saw that I was trying to strong arm her into doing what I wanted when the reality of the situation is that I am not in control at all, but God is.  He is more than capable of clearing the way for Alex to come back if that is what he wants.  And I believe that he will listen if I pray for her to come back.  And he will do what's best.
In the morning I will alert the child support woman to his new address (I do what I can to help out local government employees :) and see what she thinks about Alex's living arrangements.  You never know where God will work.

A New Motto For My Home

Last week I was perusing a magazine at work.  I think it was Better Homes and Gardens, or something along that line.  I read an article about decluttering your home.  Granted I have read hundreds of articles about decluttering my home.  And each one makes it seem so simple.  I just need to organize, figure out what to sell, take pictures of the things I treasure to put in a photo book so I can throw the actual item away...a closet system, a filing system, baskets, binders, labels...it can all be a little overwhelming and in the end I just throw in the towel without much effort.  This article was different though.  It was like the author was speaking to me personally.  As if she knew my life and my home and my energy level.  I felt like she was taking me by the hand and offering me hope.  I know the physical keeping of a home might not seem so spiritual or important, but as a woman living in a home filled with chaos and disorder I can tell you for certain it has an impact on your soul.  Without realizing it the house begins to close in and you forget how to breath deeply and fully.  The brain has so many distractions bombarding it that thoughts lose clarity and a sense of defeat takes hold.  I have found myself not even maintaining a semblance of order.  Things stay where they are dropped.  Papers are shuffled from one spot to another but never where you need them.  Piles of things that might one day be useful sit waiting for their day to come.  And chances are when that day comes, they will be buried, unable to be found and a substitute will be bought.
The house and all the things in it are beginning to possess me rather than the other way around.  And what do I do to combat it?  Two words...retail therapy.  That's right.  I go out and buy MORE stuff to take my mind off the stuff I already have at home.  I buy stuff to organize my stuff.  It would be a vicious cycle if there were room to cycle.  Instead it becomes a pit of quicksand.  The light, hopeful, joyous, free me is buried in possessions.  Too overwhelmed and exhausted to fight it. 
And then this article came to me like a breath from Heaven.  And one line in particular jumped off the page at me.  And has been percolating in my subconscious since.  And tonight as I lay in bed it clicked.  And gave me the energy to get up and go clear the counters of my kitchen.  This is the quote that has started a revolution in my home:

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.

William Morris

And that, ladies and gentlemen, has caused me to see my home in a whole new light.  And to be able to look at each individual THING and be able to KNOW what I should keep and what I should toss.  I am so excited about this! Little by little, step by step, I am reclaiming my home!   So thank you, Bill Morris for sharing your insight.  It has changed my life.

Savannah turns 3

My baby is 3!!!

My sweet sweet girl has turned 3.  When she was born I didn't think it was possible to love her more, but as she has gotten older and her personality has grown I find myself daily amazed at the depth of love I feel for her.  Even on her worst days when I have had it up to *here* with the whining and "whys" and temper, it takes just a simple "I love you dahling" on her part and I fall in love all over again.  She is so much fun it totally blows my mind.  I am so thankful that God picked this little girl just for me.  Also...drumroll please...little miss Savannah banana has now started wearing panties and going to the bathroom on the potty!!!  I am sure you other moms understand what a momentous occasion this is!  I am going to be sending her to school tomorrow in panties with a bunch of backups and we'll see how she does! 

Now to the fun stuff....pictures of my sweet.

All the pictures with her sitting on steps are from walks we take around our neighborhood.  She insists on choosing different places to get her picture taken.  Usually on various steps on walkways and porches:)



Mother's Day tea at her school.  We had tea and scones!





Visit to the lavender farm

She carried those sprigs of lavender with her all day and then put them in some water at home so they could grow "really big"

The day finally arrived that she had been looking forward to for 2 months! Her 3rd birthday:)

Her special horse given to her by her big sis, Alex




Sisters unite!

The adorable cake made by my sister, Sarah. Complete with Winnie the Pooh characters, cotton candy clouds and a candy adorned rainbow. Total hit of the party!

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There was a splash pad at the park so all the kids got to play in the water while the grownups relaxed tried to keep track of them

She clearly was pleased overcome with joy with all her presents:)

By the end she was a pro at unwrapping and getting to the good stuff quickly

The sign of a good birthday!



Hold on to your hats!

I have a lot of catching up to do!  It's been awhile since I last posted (at least it feels like it) and so much has happened.

First of all I am happy to report good news about the house I foreclosed on.  For the last year and a half I have been getting notices from the city of Salem saying I would be fined if I didn't keep the yard and house up to code.  When I called to explain to them I no longer lived in the house and had in fact foreclosed on it they just told me my name was listed as the owner so it was my responsibility.  And oh yeah, if I didn't get it done I could be charged up to $250 a DAY until it was taken care of.  To make a long and drawn out story shorter, last Wednesday I got an email from a third party stating their company would begin working on the property for the mortgage company.  That huge burden is off my back!  I hope all that made some sort of sense.

Two days after that good news, I got a call from the child support division and the lady said "This case has been sitting here too long with nothing happening, what's the story?" (C hasn't paid any child support since the first week of last October) She wanted ALL the details on C, what kind of person he was, who he was living with, what kind of employee he was, how long I had his daughter living with me...I told her everything.  She then told me that while we were on the phone she was able to find his girlfriend's address and phone number (he has refused to give it to me or anyone in his family).  She also said she was going to suspend his driver's license, and hold him in contempt of court.  My favorite part was when she said "I am actually really excited to be working on this case!"  Music to my ears!!!  Even if I don't get any money from him, it's nice to know that someone is looking out for me and that he might be made to have some responsibility.

On Sunday my darling sweetheart of a daughter turned 3!  I will post some pictures tomorrow, I can't seem to find my camera chord tonight.  I had a party for her with all of the family (including C and his family) at a local park.  There were a ton of people there, but one was noticeably absent...guess who?  C.  The morning of the party he dropped Alex off at his mom's with no warning.  Didn't say anything to them, just drove away.   I asked Alex if he was planning on coming later and she informed me he thought he was coming down with the flu.  I wish he would be a little more creative with his "stories".  He never called to tell her happy birthday or anything.  It felt like another door was closed and I no longer will feel guilt about her having the right to see her dad and trying to force a relationship between them. The party went well, with a few tantrums thrown by C's mom when Savannah didn't fawn over the gift she had given her  (a homemade pillow, pillowcase, hair bands, and outfit) and again when Savannah just shrugged when she asked Savannah if she knew who she was.  Evidently her feelings were REALLY hurt.  blah.  I think next year the party will be MUCH smaller.  Maybe just the cousins that are around Savannah's age and the two new baby cousins.  It's her party and everyone was trying to get her attention and it seemed like she was getting pulled in too many directions.  Next year will be much simpler. 

The final news I have is not as fun.  The last few weeks my mindset has shifted to my health for some reason.  I feel like I have neglected it (other than the occasional fad diet) the last 5 years or so.  Little things that have bothered me for years are now being addressed.  Last Thursday I had a suspicious mole biopsied.  I am waiting for those results.  I also had a thyroid ultrasound done yesterday.  in 2004 I was in the military and our department got a new ultrasound machine.  They were practicing and randomly did a scan on my thyroid.  It showed a very small but very vascular nodule, along with several other smaller nodules.  The largest one was still too small to biopsy but they said to keep following up on it.  I got out of the military and promptly forgot.  Until last week.  Yesterday I saw my doctor and she ordered the scan.  Lucky for me I work at an imaging center so they fit me right in.  I got the report today and to sum it up the nodule has grown tremendously.  It is a complex solid mass with some calcifications in it that makes it "worrisome".  There is also a nodule on the other side that has grown a little bit since the last scan.  The doctor has ordered an ultrasound guided needle biopsy.  From what I've heard these are very painful and not always accurate.  I would appreciate prayers that God would guide the doctor's needle to get cancer cells if there are any in there.
I am not feeling too much anxiety at this point because even if the worse case scenario is true (cancer) thyroid cancer is usually not life-threatening.  It can be life altering though.  The thyroid controls SOOOOO many things in the body.  I don't have the biopsy scheduled yet, but I will keep you posted on what I find out!

I think that sums up the last few weeks.  I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the sunshine that is finally here!

A new raw challenge

I am currently on day 2 of a 30 day raw challenge where I will be eating all fruits and veggies and some nuts.  I have done this once before and felt so incredibly good, with tons of energy and no depression.  I also lost 12.5 lbs in the month I did it.
I am hoping to be able to continue this until I reach a healthy weight.  My back has been killing me lately and I know it's probably because of all the extra weight I am carrying around.  I want to take care of my body for myself and my daughters.   I am a better mom and am happier when I am eating healthy.
So far I am down 3 lbs...obviously water weight, but it's still 3 less pounds on my back!  I will do short posts to keep you updated on my progress with the challenge!
I am already feeling so so much better than I did 3 days ago.  It's pretty amazing how quickly this diet works for me and how striking the results are in my quality of life!

I remembered the second thing

This is a follow up to my previous post.
The second thing I got from the conference is that when Bratlie (I think it was) had chosen Kare out as a leader and prayed over him Kare felt nothing.  He even emphasized this several times.  He. Felt. Nothing.  I felt such a sense of relief to hear that!  You see him so full of joy and life and assume that's how it's always been for him.  But feelings are fickle and can't be relied on.  Jesus and Kare have had days when they felt down, or irritated, or sorry for themselves.  And they persevered and now have life to show for it.  Thank you, Jesus that there is a way that leads to endless joy!

A new way of life

I have had a flash of insight I would like to share.  Lately I have been focusing on how HARD life is for me.  It's so HARD being a single mother.  It's so HARD having such an erratic, irresponsible ex.  It's so HARD to be so fat and depressed.  These thoughts surrounded me like a weighted net and began to drag me down.  I literally felt like my head was below water and I was drowning. (yes, I realize I didn't LITERALLY think I was drowning, I just want to portray the depth of my emotions.  Just go with it.)
Without realizing it, I had made EVERYTHING about ME.  I was in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to get others to feel sorry for me as well.
And then I went to the conference this weekend and God gave me a few nuggets of gold.  This doesn't always happen as it is very easy for me to get distracted during the meetings.  Sometimes I have to talk to other people afterward and listen to what they got and then use that.  Anyways, this time there was grace and I got some good stuff:)
The first was during a movie that was shown of older people saying how they would live their youth time if they had it to do again.  What I heard was they would give more.  They would give away as much of their money as they could.  They would give as much of their time and work as hard as they could.  They would not be so worried about satisfying their material needs and would instead pour themselves into God's word and articles.  They would pray all the time.  They would testify at every meeting.  They would give EVERYTHING for God's kingdom.  They would cut worldly friendships.  They would pour themselves out as a sacrifice.  It was said that issues people can deal with for 10, 15, 20 YEARS can be finished SO much faster if they are zealous and wholehearted.  You might even be driven to do things that look foolish for a time, but eventually the zeal and new, pure life will become your new nature.  Looking at that way of living, I can't imagine EVER regretting what "could have been" or wishing you had done things differently.  It gave me so much more of a seriousness.  This is REAL!  It is my choice how I will live and how much of God's grace I will pull over myself.  I choose life.  I won't regret nights where I didn't get quite as much sleep as I would have liked.  I won't regret fewer nights spent alone "relaxing".  I won't regret being generous and blessing others with the blessings I have been given.  Those things have been given to me by God as my talents.  Do I bury them and present them back to Him the same?  Or do I take them and plant them where God directs so they can grow and multiply?
This life is superficial and temporary, but the work that is taking place is ETERNAL. 
I have spent the last week basically sitting around hoping for a husband to make my load easier.  As if God didn't know what he was doing when he allowed my life to come to this place.
The second nugget of gold has slipped from my mind.  I had it when I first started writing and now I am wracking my brains, but drawing a blank.  So it will have to wait for another day.
For those of you who were at the conference, please leave a comment below on one thing you took away from it.
May you be strengthened for the week ahead!

Bullseye to the Heart

There are no words to describe the feeling in your heart when your daughter goes from happy to ecstatic after finding out she will no longer be living with you...potentially for the rest of her life.  Yes, she asked if it was for the rest of her life.  And then to top it off asked if he would be picking her up this weekend, please.  It was all I could do to not break down during prayers tonight.  After being short with Savannah all day, she is suddenly helping her and jumping right in bed with no arguing.  It's like I just told her she would have Christmas every day for the rest of her life.  Not even a flicker of a thought that she would miss me.  It just took me so off guard that she would be SO excited to leave here.  And now I have to work on not reacting unkindly to her. 
I got a text from C today saying he would be taking her on June 12th, the last day of school.  All day I have been battling back and forth on whether I should fight him, or just accept it.  I have mixed feelings about having her versus not having her.  If she is with me, I know she is in good care, surrounded by good influences.  She is able to be with her sister and has a good schedule, gets plenty of sleep, and watches age appropriate movies.  If she is with C she doesn't have a bed and either sleeps on the floor, on a recliner, or in bed between him and his new girlfriend (just found out THAT disturbing tidbit).  She stays up late, watches graphic crime shows and plays violent video games.  If it is inconvenient for him to take her to school, she stays home. She is guilt tripped into feeling responsible for his happiness.  On the other hand, if she is living with C I won't have to see him every week or try to do damage control after he drops her off.  He will have that much less impact on my life and I will be that much more distanced from him. 
In the end all the back and forth doesn't matter.  He has full rights over her, so it's up to him. 
My role is to pray for her while she is down there.  Who knows what will happen or what she'll go through when his relationship ends (which is just a matter of time). 
If there comes a time when she decides she wants to be with me, I will welcome her like the prodigal son, with joy and celebration and NO bitterness or resentment.  Because that will all be cleansed out during this time now.
The past few weeks this song has been an anthem in my head:
"God knows and plans all things,
What's best for you he brings,
For he knows just what's best for everyone
Drive sorrows far away,
Like Jesus let us say
"Oh Lord not mine own will but thine alone be done'"

But Joy Comes in the Morning

Let me start off by saying the funk of Tuesday is subsiding.  I have discovered something very interesting about myself over the past month and a half.  On March 24th, I decided to do an experiment and eat raw vegan for 30 days.  This means my diet consisted of fruits, veggies, and a small amount of nuts and fats.  Nothing cooked, processed, or packaged. No coffee, sugar or grains. I figured it would help me lose a few pounds, maybe cleanse out any grossness in my colon and break me of the binging pattern I had been in.  Because of the low calorie content of vegetables, the majority of the diet would be fruits.  Fruit is the easiest food for your body to break down into energy.  Animal meat and  products (including dairy) are very acidic and very difficult for the body to break down.  By sticking with simple foods, it would give my body a rest and allow it to focus on healing things from the inside out.
Day one ended with a pretty bad headache.  Day two I woke up feeling pretty good.  By day four I was blown away with how I felt.  I was light, happy, JOYFUL, non-irritable, and glad to be alive.  I continued eating this way while doing a little experimenting.  I found that eating too much fat through avocados and nuts caused me to feel sluggish again.  By putting in fresh fresh fresh foods, it caused me to feel fresh fresh fresh!  At the end of the 30 days I was down 12.5 lbs (I think it would have been even more had I not been struggling against my avocado addiction towards the end), I was down 1 size and more energy than I've had in the last 5 years.  I had visions of myself getting lean for the summer and turning into the young, energetic, JOYFUL mom my girls deserve.  I believe that some of the things we chalk up to "the flesh" might actually be attributed to physiological needs.  By being a good steward and taking care of my body, I was stronger and happier and more clear headed.  This allowed me to be a much more affective warrior on the wall. 
On day 30 I decided that while I had experience amazing benefits eating this way, I would try to adapt a modified diet.  I would still eat lots of produce, but also allow myself treats along the way.  The first bite of sugary cooked food led to a downward spiral.  All the old out of control binging urges kicked in.  I began to eat and eat and eat.  And eat some more.  Most days I would wake up determined to get my "raw" legs back under me.  But the motivation I had starting my 30 day experiment wasn't there.  As I ate more and more crap my depression returned in force.  My energy disappeared.  I became irritable and unpleasant to be around.  All within a week of going back to cooked foods!
It became clear to me the focus needed to be not on how to lose weight, but on how to increase my quality of life.  I began reading and reading and reading, knowing that the more I learned the easier it would be for me to stick to.  I read 80/10/10 by Dr Doug Graham, and The Beauty Detox Solution by Kimberly Snyder.  I watched many videos by raw foodists (durianrider, freelea, meghann elizabeth...)and was on the website 30bananasaday every day.  I didn't want to become obsessed and consumed by my diet, but I knew this time period was critical to stop the spiral.  And I think I have my mojo back:)
I have been eating closer and closer to 100% raw the last few days with today being the start of my complete 100%.  When I see how DEEPLY it impacts my mental health it becomes so much more than a weight loss diet.  I need to eat this way to be the person I am meant to be.  To be strong so I can work on my salvation.  To heal my body that has become so toxic and weighed down and lethargic and unhappy. 
Eating this way feels me with hope for my future.  It gives me the strength I need to get through the  day and have energy to be with my girls.  Already, after just being raw for a short time, the benefits are becoming evident.  It works so quickly and I am so thankful to God for leading me to this way of eating that is best for me.

I don't know where I am going to go with this post.  All I know is that my depression has gotten so bad I feel like I am walking around in a shell.  If I crack and  show any emotion it brings me to tears, literally.  I have cried 4 or 5 times today alone.  I feel so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to take care of my girls and I feel in over my head.  My weight is ballooning up, my house is littered with laundry, dishes, papers...the bathroom is filthy, fruit flies are multiplying faster than I can kill them in the kitchen, and I feel useless to make things right.  I was rear-ended on Easter and there was minor damage.  My car insurance is telling me I will have to pay even though I was not the one in the wrong.  They say they have never heard of the insurance company the other lady had.  I was able to find it on Google in about 12 seconds.  They say I MAY be reimbursed if they can track them down.  I bought a groupon for yard service and they were supposed to come on Monday to do it.  It still hasn't been done.  I feel like every little thing is a chore and like the world is against me.  Nothing seems to go smoothly.  I am tired of having to follow up on everything and fight for every small thing.  I have gift certificates for Create-a-Memory, a mani-pedi, and a bikini wax (ha).  I have no sitter to make use of them.  There is no one to lean on, no one to share the burden.  A single word from C and Alex is on cloud 9, all past hurts forgotten.  Then reality sets in and I have to weather the storm of her disappointment, confusion, and sadness.  She doesn't want to be here with me.  She wants to be with him.  And I don't blame her. I am no fun to be around.  I am moody and stressed and quick to jump on her about her homework, housework, etc.  Savannah has been really emotional. Quick to cry (wonder where she gets that), quick to yell, quick to whine.  She used to be so easy going and happy.   I am sure this is a part of being 2, almost 3.  
I am so overwhelmed by LIFE.  I want a do-over.  I want to run away.  I want to forget my "responsibilities".  Let someone else pick up the pieces.  Even as I sit here I feel guilt for not having a good dinner on the table every night.  And for not keeping a clean house.  Savannah is eating chicken nuggets for dinner (again) and Alex made herself a sandwich.  What kind of mom am I???  I don't know how to do it.  I don't know how to be a good mom and get everything done.  I want to lock the doors of my house and not come out for a week (or ten).
I have guilt that I have worn out my welcome at my mom's from staying over and eating dinner when I was supposed to just pick Alex up.  I have guilt for not paying her for watching Alex after school.  I feel anger that all the financial burden always comes back to me. 
I know these are probably all things in my flesh that need to be put to death, but from the pit I'm sitting in I don't even know how to start.  I feel like I can't even see the light at the top.
I am so consumed with guilt and self loathing and I am so TIRED.
And what is my coping mechanism for  all this?  To eat.  To shovel as much in my mouth as I can, as fast as I can.  It doesn't matter what it is, if it's not nailed down, it goes down my throat.  And the pit grows deeper.
So on that super fun note, I am going to sign off.  I will be back the instant things get better to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  As soon as I see it.

I feel I need to add an addendum to this.  I know I will get an indignant response from my sister, Ruth Anne saying I can call her anytime to babysit.  And the answer is NO.  With your back and pelvis problems, added to your impending delivery and current load of children, NO.

How do I start up again?

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last posted.  Actually, maybe I can believe it.  I am at a loss as to where to begin, and how to catch up and to be frank, I have been overwhelmed thinking about posting again.  So I will start small, not worry if I skip things and lower my expectations a bit.

Since posting last, I have moved into a super happy little house.  No more apartment!  It is small but has everything we need.  And by we, I mean myself, Savannah, and Alex.  Alex moved in with me at the beginning of the school year (September).  I have hopes that she will continue to stay with me although C jonlyt signed over temporary custody until June.  I am next door to my mom's cousin (Aunt Reva), around the corner from my mom, about 5 minutes from Savannah's "school", and about 7 minutes from my work.  The location is perfect and the house fits our family like a glove.  I am so blessed.

C has been living with his latest new girlfriend, Leslie in Eugene.  She has a daughter the same age as Alex and a 7 year old son.  I found out about this new girlfriend in January.  Acting on an impulse I sent her a message on facebook.  I explained to her the reasons I divorce him.  I told her he was still married to Alex's biological mother.  I told her he stole from me and bankrupted me.  I said I wished someone had warned me and that she didn't have to believe me, but to trust her gut instinct and not to ignore the red flags.  And then I hit send and proceeded to have a nervous breakdown second-guessing myself.  I waited on edge for a reply.  And I got it the next day when she changed her profile picture to a photo of her, Chris and her two children.  Ouch.

Time went on and I found out Leslie is an apartment manager (jackpot for C).   She never actually invited C to live with her.  He showed up in February and never left.  This coincided with the time when his family found out he had stolen $3000 from his grandmother under the pretense of setting up online banking for her and his mother.  When they found out and confronted him, he ran to live with Leslie.  She found him a job working at a retirement center as a handy man (unlimited access to the rooms and belongings of elderly people :-/ ).  He was fired (he claims for going to Urgent Care...yeah. THAT makes total sense.) and has since been hanging out at her apartment.  Evidently she is now questioning some of his stories and has called his sister to get the truth.  She first called my letter to warn her "pathetic" but it seems she is now starting to figure things out.  When she does get to the point of kicking him out, he will either have to move back in with his mom (with his grandma he's been avoiding next door) or find a new woman to prey on.  This gives me hope that he won't push to have Alex move back in with him.
Oh, did I forget to mention his grandma is pressing charges?  And that because it is a crime against the elderly it will be a more serious charge?  In fact, he might do actual jail time.  I have total mixed feelings about this.  He is the father of my girls.  They will forever have to know their dad was arrested and did jail time.  But he also has NEVER had to take responsibility for his actions.  He has skated by from person to person leaving a path of destruction and pain behind him.  It is all in God's hands and he knows what is best for each person in this situation.  The blinds are coming off Alex's eyes more and more and it seems she is adjusting to the fact that her dad isn't a saint.  She prays at night that he will make good choices so he can be happy.
I am going to sign off for now.  It totally takes it out of me to tell this story over and over again.  I look forward to a time when someone can ask me how I'm doing and I won't feel compelled to update them on the latest drama.  I look forward to not having this time in my life be the thing that defines me or the thing that comes to people's minds when my name is mentioned.

Things that make me happy:
The thought of more and more sunshine as we get closer to summer, bike rides with the girls, having a yard to work in and attempt to grow things in, walks to the farmer's market every Saturday...and did I mention sunshine?